We are back to normal internet access after being at the cottage all weekend. I was sure to keep notes on my phone of thoughts I felt were important so that I could come back here to record them.
We were sitting around the bonfire on Sunday night, Matt's birthday, and I was feeling completely hopeless, my heart full of despair. All I could think about was how Matt should have been there with me. I would have been sitting in his embrace; wrapped in his arms. I was just envisioning what should have been - something I should eventually try not to do but I know I will be doing for a long time to come so I'm not going to fight it. Everywhere I look, I either picture what we did at one time, like when I look at the fireplace in his parents' house and see us sitting there taking family pictures at Christmastime, or what we should be doing if Matt was still here right now, like around the bonfire.
It started to rain a bit while we were sitting around that fire but we were beneath a large tree so it wasn't hitting us directly... just a light sprinkle. I laid my head on my knees and just prayed. I thanked God for giving me the strength to make it through one more day. I thanked Him for embracing Matthew. I promised Him I would continue to grow closer to Him each day. I also pray to Matt. I told him, whether or not he wants to hear it, I cannot wait to see him again. I am ready whenever God is ready... and I am far from afraid. When I lifted my head, the rain just stopped.
I oftentimes wonder if Matt sees me. Or if he is right here with me. I find that I just stare a lot. I look out the window and hope that maybe Matt will be out there - like that scene in Forrest Gump when he looks out the window and sees Jenny walking toward his house but then she fades away. I also stare at empty chairs sometimes and wonder if he's sitting there.
That night, during my feelings of hopelessness and despair, before it started to rain, we noticed something that looked like a shooting star but it was much too close to be that. It was right over the lake. I took it as a sign that Matt was there and it lifted my spirits. It seems he gives me these signs when I need them most; when I am feeling very low and sorrowful. As if to say, "I am right here, darling."
I wore his cross all day on Sunday since it was his birthday.
I read the book Heaven is for Real in less than 24 hours. It helped me. Helped give me hope... or at least strengthened my hope.
Hope that Matt is in a good place filled with love and comfort.
Hope that I will see him again one day.
And hope that he will recognize me and love me just as he had here on Earth.
Hope that he is waiting for me like I'm waiting for him. I can already see the look on his face when we are reunited. I know that look.
The rest of my life, no matter how short it may be, still seems far too long to be away from him. I hate to be impatient... I know our kids will need me for a long time... but it still hurts.
I dreamt about him last night. I remember when we would watch Spouse vs. House together. We would say to each other, "I can't IMAGINE having to go three weeks without seeing or talking to you!" I wish that's all it was. I would go a year if it meant we could be together again after that year was up. But now all I have are dreams. And I will take it. No matter what, I will always have my dreams.
We were laying on our sides, facing each other. It seems like it was outside but I don't know where. We held hands; kissed. But there was no dialogue. At least not that I remember. We just looked into eachother's eyes. Matt was wearing a white button-up shirt. It could have been the one he was buried in. Those dreams, no matter how short, are the sweetest moments now. So I will hold onto them.
"Remember, I am with you always, until the end of time." Matthew 28:20