Sunday, August 7, 2011

"I have to tell Matt about this dream."

I just woke up from the second dream I've had where Matt survived. He was left worse off, of course... but he survived. And he was still able to walk and talk - just not as strong as before. His left hand had loss of feeling. We were walking, holding hands and we had to stop to get our fingers intertwined just right.

Actually, that is something we occasionally had to do if I was holding his right hand because he had loss of feeling in his fingers from his first accident. And I would sometimes help him put gloves on because he couldn't feel which holes they were going into... we would chuckle sometimes at his first attempt. Like a little kid trying to put on gloves. Matt was always so lighthearted about everything. Some days, I would help him to button the very top button of his shirt in the morning - it's that difficult one and gave him trouble sometimes.

So in my dream, he survived and it wasn't as long of a recovery. There was no drug-induced coma. But there were tiny scars across his chest and I remember he said that his shoulder blade had been shattered. But he made it.

He did have lots of tiny scars on his chest from his first accident... where wires & tubes had been held in place in the hospital. And he had scars from a feeding tube and tracheotomy. Noah would point to them and say "boo boo".

My first thought upon waking from this dream... for just a split second was, "I have to tell Matt about this dream." But then I remembered he was gone. How could I forget that for even a fraction of a second? Because I yearn so badly that it didn't have to be this way, I guess. But that miniscule length of time that I thought I should tell him about my dream sure was a nice one. A split-second of my old life. I'd always tell him about my dreams.

I frequently wonder what would it have taken for him to survive this. If he had veered left instead of right? If he had saw the tractor in time enough to apply his brakes some in order to lessen the impact? I doubt he had would have been any better off if he hadn't tried to avoid it and just went straight into the equipment. The first scenario I mentioned... going left instead of right... would have probably saved him - or at least given him a better chance. But he spared the other two cars that were in the left lane. If only they hadn't have been there. He could have gotten over in plenty of time knowing there was no one there. There's the "what if" demon again.

Chloe is getting baptized this morning. It is something Matt was working on the week he died. He contacted our favorite priest, Father Tom, that Monday to see if we could arrange her baptism for the week we were to visit at the end of August. I think Matt will definitely be there today. To watch his daughter get baptized; something he was really looking forward to. I wish he was there to hold that candle for her... but I'm sure he will be there doing so much more than that now - embracing us along with the Holy Spirit, watching over us, watching over Chloe. He will be there.

I miss you, Matt.


  1. Step,
    You are inspirational. Keep writing.

  2. step,
    your writing is very inspirational.. you should publish this because it could help many other woman or men that are going through. May God continue to bless you and your family.