Thursday, August 18, 2011

They take me for a weakling.*

The descriptions of Matt's car are much worse than the pictures. I'm sure it's worse in person but the pictures aren't half as bad as I thought they would be. I guess they wanted to make it sound really bad considering they didn't know how I would react and wouldn't want me to be upset. That's understandable. Tom looked at them first. There are only two pictures I won't let others see due to blood. I'm going to put the pictures on a separate page (link at the top) so that if you're not comfortable viewing them, you won't find them here. The front of the car is mangled. The windshield is out. The roof is peeled back. The air bag deployed. Most of the obvious blood is on the airbag (again, not posting pictures of that). There's also blood on the dash and in the center console. There was nothing there to block the impact because the farm equipment came through the windshield above the steering wheel. One of the officers told me if he had been sitting up higher, he would have survived.

I have been going through some of the stuff in the office. I rarely ever went into that room; it was basically all Matt's stuff. So I think that will be the most difficult room to pack considering I have no idea what half of the stuff even is (computer parts, etc.). It will probably take the longest. But once I get the desk cleared out then hopefully it goes a little faster from there. The closets will be the next most time-consuming. I started working on the worst one; basically our junk closet!

I find myself wondering what the tractor driver is feeling. Sometimes I hope that he has trouble sleeping at night knowing that his careless, negligent, irresponsible decision to drive a tractor 25mph on a 70mph highway cost a young family their father; a wife her husband. It is so hateful for me to think that but I can't help it sometimes. I really don't even think like that often; only on occasion. I have to remind myself what's done is done and whatever he thinks has nothing to do with us. It could have been anyone. But it was Matt.

I did dream about Matt last night. He was sending me messages; communicating via drawings. He drew pictures of a person crying; he was asking me if I cried a lot. As if he wasn't there watching me cry that night. It was a really strange dream. There was more to it but I can't remember the rest.

I don't regret seeing those pictures at all. I'm glad I did. I kind of wrote the title to this post on impulse. I'm not trying to imply that a wife who doesn't wish to see pictures of the vehicle in which her husband sustained fatal injuries is weak.

I hope Matt doesn't mind that I'm sharing songs he wrote in high school. But here are a few lyrics from a song written on February 25, 1999.

What if...
God's way of making us repay Jesus was by letting us kill ourselves with our sins. With every new sin we commit, that sin is directed upon Jesus. We sin so much Jesus is overloaded & the rest is put on us, as it should be.


  1. Love you Steph, Dad

  2. Jessica (JessJo04)August 18, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    You are so strong; my heart aches when I read some of your posts. I think about you and your family a lot (hope that's not too creepy from an internet stranger, I found your story on the bump). Being a new mom, I understand how much we worry about our children and something happening to them, so much worry that we often forget to stop and appreciate the other people in our lives. I'm so glad you are willing to share your story, it has reminded me to tell my husband how important he is to me and how much I love him. I know it has inspired others to do the same. I pray for your family often. God blessed you with a wonderful husband and he is still inspiring people after his death.

  3. Jessica (JessJo04)August 18, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    I don't know if you've heard this song, but its beautiful. I hope it gives you some comfort.

    "Praise You in this storm" by Casting Crowns

    I'll praise You in this storm
    And I will lift my hands
    For You are who You are
    No matter where I am
    Every tear I've cried
    You hold in Your hand
    You never left my side
    And though my heart is torn
    I will praise You in this storm

  4. i love you, sister.

  5. Don't be hard on yourself. You'll be able to forgive in time. But that's just it... give it time. Ask God to help you... He will. He understands that it's hard. You can't forgive on your own strength.... you need His help.