Monday, August 15, 2011

Life's not fair.

I had two fabulous dreams last night. And they were both just me hugging Matt upon reunion. I never wanted to let go. I don't even recall any dialogue, once again. I was just in his arms, where I yearn to be. And it seemed like one of the dreams I had was really long, but it was only 20 minutes. I woke up at 6:40 and my alarm doesn't go off until 7:00 so I went back to sleep. It felt like more time went by in my dream than it really did. Like time in Heaven isn't linear... same thing with dreams.

Last night was more difficult than usual. It's hard to lay in bed and just stare at all of his clothes. I see all his suits and ties and shirts hanging in the closet and it reinforces the fact that he will never be in them ever again. I look at his cologne on the shelf and think about how he will never use it ever again. He will never be in our bed next to me ever again. When I look at his things and really think about how one day he was there, touching them, and then he was gone... it just reminds me that he's gone for the rest of my life.

I started to pack a couple things. Really, just movies, video games and books. That's it so far. I don't want to pack everything and leave. I don't want to leave our house. It's just going to make it all the more real. I will no longer be able to imagine him walking through our door. I don't want to leave because this is our home. Leaving will just seal the deal that he's not going to come walking through that door ever again. I know that moving to Michigan is the right thing to do and what Matt wants us to do, I just hate that I'm being forced to turn my back on the life we've built here. But there's no reason to stay without Matt.

I've started to think about ideas for the monument that will be over our burial plots. Who knew that I'd be buying my burial plot at 26? Who knew that I'd be picking out my headstone at 26? Who knew that I'd be burying my husband at 26? To a certain degree, this is still all so surreal. You just don't do this stuff so young. It's not fair.

Fair or not, it's my life. And my brother in law just informed me that single mothers have a longer life expectancy. Very not fair.


  1. You're 100% right. What you're going through simply is not fair, and I wish that you didn't have to go through it. I wish there is more that I could say, but I want you to know that I pray for you and your children every night. I can't imagine what you must be dealing with. I hope that you continue to find least as much as you can. Your strength is amazing.

  2. Streph, the reality of your thoughts made me cry as I read them tonight. I prayed as I cried, "Lord bring Stephanie comfort." Someone asked me today if I understood why this happened? I had to tell them no, because I truly do not have one single clue. I think sometimes God just loves some of us so much He can't stand to be without that person with Him any longer.Matt was one of those people.