Monday, August 29, 2011

It's official.*

I'm really leaving. My last day at work is September 9 and then I'm moving that weekend. I wish I could just continue what I've been doing so I never had to face the fact that I'm moving my life back to Michigan. It's just making everything more real. Each major step I take will feel like that. It's something I know is right; it's what I need to do... but at the same time, it's a reminder. A terrible reminder about what is actually going on here.

Now here is something really weird (and I mean weird - not one of those "neat" weird things). I cleaned our bathroom this afternoon. It was WAY past due. I'm sure Matt was enjoying his popcorn up in Heaven while watching me do that. I rarely cleaned the bathroom and never to the extent of which I cleaned it just now. Not only was Matt a romantic, but he was also a clean freak. So he cleaned everything. Anyway, cleaning the bathroom meant washing the sink, which meant getting rid of the little flakes of blood that came off of Matt's cell phone (I removed the bottom half of the cover over the sink... no idea what happened to the top half as it was not with the phone - strange?). If it's not weird that I was sad to do that then I don't know what is. I was thinking about how Angeline Jolie had a vile of Billy Bob's blood on a necklace... yeah, I so wish I had Matt's blood in a vile on a necklace. As crazy as I thought those two were, now I'm thinking they had the right idea. I wonder what kind of looks I would have gotten if I made that request at the hospital. Well, his blood is him so I was just trying to cling onto anything I could... including that.

Here is a random story I never wrote about - after I picked up photos of the car and accident scene from the station and was thinking about them on the drive home, a tiny white feather landed on my windshield while I was stopped at a traffic light. I told myself it was a feather from one of Matt's angel wings. =D It stayed there for the rest of the drive home so I saved it! I may or may not have gone crazy.

My absolute need to know everything that happened on Matt's side that day has diminished a bit. And THAT is a good feeling because that constant questioning inside my head was so exhausting. It also helps me feel more closure now that that is starting to pass. However, I am still anxiously awaiting the medical report, which I hope is ready this week. That should tell me what Matt's specific injuries were. And, if I need to, I will call the physician whose care he was under in the trauma center. What I'm asking myself now is, "What about this head injury made it not survivable?" Because he survived one already. I'm just curious. Why was it different this time?

It may be apparent through the tone of my post but I am feeling okay today. I think I'm just excited that my grandma is coming down tomorrow to help me finish packing and then it also feels nice to have a date set for moving. It's sad but good. This mixture of emotion I get throughout this process is slightly annoying. Am I heartbroken? Yes... but am I also comforted by the Lord's presence (and Matt's, too)? Yes! It's very hard to describe. In short, I'm holding on.


  1. Keep holding on. Hold on by your fingernails if you have to - you are an inspiration. Your children will be so proud to call you their mother someday - once they finally realize how remarkable you are.

  2. You are amazingly strong and are making the best choices for you an your family. Making the move is bittersweet, I am sure. But it's the right choice for you. Hold onto those moments, like the feather. Those are the moments that will continue to give you peace and comfort you.