This is the advanced course. The learn-how-to-do-everything-yourself course... learn-to-be-in-more-than-one-place-at-once course.
It is the nightmare I always imagined being a single parent would be. I know I will adapt eventually, but this learning process is not easy. I basically have to let a lot of things go. So Noah is throwing toothpicks all over the floor... while I'm trying to go put Chloe down to prevent such a thing. Happens anyway.
So Noah is eating and I know very well that I need to stay in close proximity so I can prevent him from throwing food everywhere. But I'm nursing Chloe so I can't exactly help it. He makes a mess and all I can do is try my best to parent with an infant attached to my boob and clean up later.
I'm trying to put Noah to bed and he's almost asleep... and Chloe starts crying from the other room. So I think I can sneak out of Noah's room undetected... false. He comes walking into the bedroom and ends up falling asleep in our bed because I just can't do it anymore. We were planning on weaning him off of his paci and never allowed him to have it in public after he turned one. Then all this happened and now I let him have it whenever he wants. I can just read the minds of judgmental strangers - I used to be one myself. Not anymore.
I have moments where I just feel absolutely hopeless. I would dread every time Matt had to go away for work for a few days. It was awful. Even when he had to work late some nights and it was up to me to just make it through dinnertime without his help... it was challenging. I need to grow an extra pair or two of arms.
Matt did most of the cleaning. I can barely keep up with the laundry and dishes as it is. It's a good thing I'm working part-time right now so it's manageable... but I can see myself hiring a cleaning service when I establish another full-time job. I can't believe it's possible to parent, work 40 hours a week, keep a clean house and all of the other little things that need to be kept track of - alone. Matt and I together could barely keep up!
Some of the hardest moments are have are the moments where I only wish Matt was here to help me raise these kids. I hate to even think about when they start school, extracurricular activities, sports... will I survive? It's not even like I'm divorced and "Dad" is still around to help with those things... he's simply gone. With no warning whatsoever. I've been thrown into the snake pit.
I don't like it when my posts contain a depressing undertone like this but I just want to be honest about what I'm feeling and that's what I'm feeling right now. It's just one of the more difficult things I go through since Matt's death... if not the most difficult. Feeling like a shitty parent without your lifelong companion to help you laugh it off is really hard.