Monday, April 30, 2012

I did it.

My first semester back in the college universe is complete and here is how it ended:

Biology (my greatest challenge by far): 94% A
Chemistry 96% A
Psychology 96% A

I'm attaining the unattainable (or what I thought was unattainable).  I guess with determination, motivation and dedication, you really can do anything you put your mind to.  It sure wasn't easy and I still have a long road ahead, but I feel confident that this is what I was meant to do.

I know God didn't tear my life to pieces for no reason.  I'm actually feeling like I am in a good place right now. I have hope and faith.  That's a good feeling.

My next semester starts tomorrow.  Anatomy 1 - I just spent the last two hours studying.  Organic chemistry starts next week.  I feel that anatomy will be my biggest challenge, just from the fact that it's only a seven week course so I anticipate it will be very fast-paced, packed with information.  However, it looks very interesting and enjoyable so as long as I can stay on top of things and manage my time wisely, it should go well!

I have been receiving lots of signs from Matthew lately.  There's nothing more comforting than that.  I feel very at peace with my "situation" and I feel that I am healing well.  I have my family, friends (and even people I don't know well) and God to thank profusely for all the support and prayers that have brought me to this point.

Like I said, I know God has given me a purpose and exactly what that purpose is will continue to be revealed as the days, weeks, months and years pass.  Life isn't always easy but it sure is beautiful.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Finals Week

Ahhh, finals week.  What a perfect week to receive a call from the daycare telling me that I need to pick up Chloe because she's had three diarrhea diapers!  I am so thrilled that my study time has been interrupted by diarrhea.  Thankfully, MIL took the day to watch her... and I think my mom will be able to entertain the kids tonight while I polish up my psych knowledge and start studying for my chemistry final (which is cumulative so it's on material I've already mastered).  I have managed to finish biology with an A-!  I was aiming for an A but considering my circumstances, I am very happy with an A-.  I believe I should get an A in both chemistry and psychology but we shall know for sure by the end of this week.

Okay, so speaking of that call I received from daycare yesterday... never begin a phone conversation with me by saying, "I'm really sorry to have to tell you this..."  Because the first thought that came to my mind was, "OMG she's dead or nearly dead."  Seriously... my heart DROPPED.  I had a miniature fraction-of-a-second long panic attack.  Then she told me that Chloe had three diarrhea diapers and had to go home.  Totally not a big deal compared to what I originally thought.  That scared me.  I never used to think the worst.  Now, it's where my mind immediately goes.  When I saw those two police officers at work to tell me Matt was dead... that didn't even cross my mind that that's what they were going tell me.  Not in a million years.  But if two police officers come to my door now... someone's dead.  This much I know.

Anyway, I need to entertain these little munchkins of mine.  Not even time for a creative conclusion.  I gotta GO... I'm pretty sure there are toothpicks scattered all over the living room.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Six years.

I know I won't have time to post about this over the weekend. Technically, tomorrow is six years since Matt proposed. That was so incredible and I'm thankful to have pictures of the occasion. I can't believe how young I was... 21! We had a long engagement so I was 22 by the time we got married but... how young! Thank God, too.

That was such a wonderful night. I remember calling family and friends afterwards. We went on a miniature "engagement tour"... I remember going to my aunt's house afterwards because I knew my mom was over there and she had NO idea. My dad, on the other hand, knew it was coming eventually because Matt asked his permission.

I'm still wearing that ring although I actually took it off the other night to see what it would look like just wearing my wedding band. Needless to say, it looks so plain.... but not as plain as taking them both off. I don't know if I'll ever remove my wedding band. But the engagement ring... I think maybe one day but certainly not yet. I felt sad when I took it off the other day just to see what it would look like. So I put that bad boy back on my finger, smiled with satisfaction, and walked out of the bathroom content as can be. It's just so pretty. ;)

Six years... I look at that picture with a smile on my face. Joyful memories I'm so thankful to have. Things are good. I'm feeling better. Which means I know what's coming... another fall into the pit of negativity. But I would rather have temporary periods of happiness knowing that it will be cut off for a short time than always be depressed.

Speaking of periods, I keep thinking about how nice it has been not having one since July 2010. Which is probably one of the greatest perks of breastfeeding (although it doesn't work for everybody). ;) Well, that and the fact that it helps maintain weight but now that I'm running I'm not too worried about blowing up after Chloe weans, lol.

And speaking of running, I feel like I'm on top of the world when I run. What an amazing therapy! I love it. It might be a much safer time for me to think deep thoughts than when I'm driving because wow, I'm just hanging on by the grace of God when I drive these days. I'm looking forward but my mind is definitely on other things and when I realize that there is a truck going much slower than I am right in front of me and my heart skips a beat while I hit the brakes... I think, "Gee, no wonder..." If I was in a position like Matt's I would be a goner. But at least Michigan has a minimum speed of 55mph unlike North Carolina. Then I probably wouldn't die, I would just be severely inconvenienced. Which is worse is definitely debatable.

Anyway, I shall spend all afternoon studying for my bio final, which is Monday morning. My hardest one! Unfortunately, I won't have any extra time to study for it next week besides early Monday morning but, at the same time... I'm getting it over with first. I feel I should do well this semester and I have such a wonderful feeling of accomplishment. I know it's not over until the fat lady sings (I don't get that saying but I know it's in the movie Independence Day which is one of Matt's favorites)... but completing my first semester so soon after losing my husband AND with two little children... and doing well. That's pretty awesome.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I censored myself.

A wise person would take into consideration how others might interpret their words before publishing. I, however, am not a wise person. And so while I understand myself and my intentions, not everyone will. Therefore - I deleted my latest post. I intended to continue it with a "however" portion but I ran out of time. At this point, I'm just going to scratch the whole thing and from now on... I'll (try to) keep that kind of stuff between me and my therapist.

Speaking of which, I really enjoyed my counseling sesh on Thursday and I'm suddenly really looking forward to my next one.

If I have not once mentioned how thankful I am for the help I receive then shame on me. Expressing how much my life has changed and how frustrated I can get because of those changes is not meant to be a reflection AT ALL of what other people have done for me. My previous post was misinterpreted and it's my fault.

I would like to delve into all the things that I'm thankful for and blessed with but at this point, I don't feel like it would be coming from the heart. I think it would be coming from the fact that I'd like to simply amend the situation and that's not what I want.

I may take a break from this blog for a little while unless something profound happens. My birthday is tomorrow. Finals are coming up in two weeks. On April 21, it will have been six years since Matt asked for my hand in marriage. A new semester begins on May 1st. I've been set back on my running schedule because Chloe turned up sick on Thursday and I had to go pick her up from daycare.

I attended a parent participation/spring picnic at the daycare yesterday and it turned out well. But it was slightly painful watching the other parents together as couples so I just tried not to look. At one point, Noah ran up to another child's dad and said, "Daddy!" because he could have resembled Matt. But all this stuff is just stuff that I'm going to have to get used to. And I won't complain about it because that makes me look ungrateful.

I care about what people think of me. I know that using a public internet blog makes me susceptible to judgment. I knew that from "day three". But I want to be able to share this journey with others who might relate to my situation or who are just simply curious or who can gain some inspiration or say, "Ugh, I will never do what she does." Whatever it may be... I knew what I was getting into and that's okay. Sometimes what I write may be misinterpreted and again, it's my responsibility to understand that and write accordingly. Sometimes I fail.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Incredibly Weird Dream

Separated by ellipses because dreams are such a jumble. This is obviously a figment of my imagination.

I was at the visitation and for some reason, I went to open the casket even though I didn't want to see Matt's body. I started to open it while looking and then I quickly looked away and said, "I can't believe I almost looked at him." All I saw was his shirt.


Matt appeared but I was the only one who could see him. I don't think he knew what was going on. I told him he was dead. He looked in the casket and saw himself. He started crying, saying, "What have I done?" But I said, "Aren't you in bliss now?" He said no. I said I know there was purgatory... and he said he was still waiting, that it took a while. I said, "Well, I'm living high-risk now... driving irresponsibly..." and I laughed. But then I thought, I better live like a really good person because Matt would probably be out of purgatory by the time I died, and then I would have to wait that much longer to see him.


He said he could get on Facebook but he hasn't because he didn't want to creep anyone out. I thought, "Couldn't you at least send me a message?"


He could move really fast like a vampire.


It was weird. Obviously.

I was having profound thoughts on my way downtown this afternoon. I think that God has bestowed this experience on me in such a way that I can handle. Well, I don't believe that He would ever want us to experience such heartache but that's the way it must be. And because it must be like this, He has helped to alleviate my pain in small ways that have allowed me to handle it as best as I can.

For example, I picture Matt after his death worrying about us. But him being told that this is the best way. Me not seeing him in the hospital. Never getting to say goodbye because that would have made it harder on me. Him not being left alive and brain dead only for me to have to make the decision to say goodbye. As sucky as it is, I think it could always be worse. So that's what I thought about today. God's plan. Everything happens how it was meant to happen.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Regina Spektor - On the Radio

Monday, April 9, 2012

"where you invest your love, you invest your life"

A little Mumford & Sons.

Easter gave me a nice dose of spiritual rejuvenation. I hadn't been to Mass in a long time but I attended 7:00am Mass on Sunday and it was lovely. Easter might be my new favorite holiday.

I've been thinking more about my nonexistent tattoo that will someday become existent. But I'm not sure when that will be. I originally wanted to get it done for my birthday but Chloe is only partially weaned. Who knew what a chore weaning would be? She's just not ready yet. Maybe in a few months...

Anyway, my idea was to get "Matthew 28:20" on my wrist. However, I thought about what do I want to say when people ask me about my tattoo? So what do I want that answer to be? Well, of course, I want the answer to involve Matt and the unexpected turn that my life took. I'm not sure Matthew 28:20 would lead to that information (very briefly, anyway). So I am now thinking about a series of numbers intertwined and those numbers would be 7 20 11. Perhaps in between angel wings. And so when someone said, "What does your tattoo mean?" I could say something like, "That's the day my life was turned upside down," or "That's the last day I ever saw my husband," and voila! Storytime ensues. So I am on to something now.

But I think I will add "Matthew 28:20" to my second tattoo idea, which is a cross and lilies on my side. But that won't happen for a while yet... if at all. Who knows. I've always been funny about tats so this whole thing is wild.

When one has lost someone close, I think it's important to take anything that could be viewed as a sign and run with it. So I did that again yesterday. I was driving along, staring irresponsibly out at the sky as usual... and in the middle of the blue, naked sky was a little cloud all by itself. Aaand it was shaped like a heart. It was from Matt, which is totally something he would do. He told me he would love me in Heaven. I have it in writing. So I'm glad to see that he's being true to his word.

I bought a potted lily, some tulips and a little Easter egg for his grave. I added the tulips and Easter egg to the two that were already left there by someone else in the vase and then I set the lilies in front of the headstone. It looked nice and festive.

Lately, Noah has been saying, "I want to go home." I do, too. But that would involve a time machine. I do not feel like I have a home. I am still experiencing the ripples that Matt's death created. I'm sure they will keep going for a long time. I still feel like I'm in transition. I look forward to the day when I actually feel like I have my stuff together... mentally and physically. But this whole life rebuilding thing is actually quite a lengthy process (not that I didn't know that but I would love to fast forward through the next two years and just have a job and a house already).

As for these ripples/aftereffects... for example, I finally received an ambulance bill a couple weeks ago. It was only about $400, which surprised me. I was thinking it would be more like $900. Since I took Matt's number, I received a call from a recruiter because she had a job opportunity he might be interested in. I called her back and told her. I still haven't taken his name off of our bank account although I'm kind of in the process of doing so.

Every time I go to write the year, I pause for a millisecond because I think, "Wait. Is it 2012?" 2012 seems ridiculous... like there's no way it's 2012. But it is. Weird.

I think I have written enough nonsense by now. This is weird because finals are in two weeks so I don't really have a lot of things to do. I feel like I have an unusual amount of down time... like I'm forgetting something... but I don't think that's the case. Regardless, this is a sucky blog entry so I'm going to force myself to quit.

Oh, I know, it's because I'm no longer planning a birthday party.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I just made a decision

I'm going back to a counselor. I might look like I have all my pieces together on the outside and I like to pretend it's that way but it's really not. I am falling apart on the inside and it's so not cool that I need to do something about it. I want to move on from this. Maybe seeing a counselor will help me heal further.

And this time it's a MAN. Should be interesting... quite honestly, I feel more comfortable with a woman but I'll give it a try. It's the soonest I could get in (next Thursday).

When I envision my future, I'm happy. When I envision my future... I'm with someone else. I can imagine that far ahead. The kids are happy they have a dad... everything is perfect (although I know how quickly "perfect" can come and go). So maybe that's a step in the right direction. I can see myself happy one day, now it's just a matter of actually getting there. I don't know if I have unresolved grief... if I have pent up anger... I don't know what the deal is but I just don't feel right.

It needs to be addressed.

Time for a run.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sometimes I just want to scream, "I EFFING HATE FACEBOOK!"

Whyyyy must I torture myself? Why is it so addicting? Why can't I just delete it and walk away forever? It's an unstoppable force. The only people who coul
d ever possibly understand the torture that is Facebook are my fellow widows, which is a horrible, depressing and painful group to be a part of and I wish I was the only one in this club but... we help each other so I guess it's a good thing I'm

Chloe turned one on Saturday. I was sad all day long but no one there would have ever known it because I put on a smiley, happy face and act like I love my life.
Matt saw one birthday.

And the way pictures upload on this thing is so messed up so if this looks like a jumbled mess (it will), I'm sorry.

So one birthday... do you think I could ever stop thinking about that? Nope. It's pretty much all I thought about during Chloe's party. So I compensated for my mental absence by keeping as busy as I could and throwing Chloe a super awesome birthday party with a baller cake and unnecessary details for a first birthday party. But she had a tough year and she doesn't even know it. The "theme" was nautical but there was something more to it. I used the anchor symbol throughout because the anchor is the symbol of hope. Hebrews 6:19

Anyway, I need to wrap this up so I can get to my biology lab. Her party turned out fabulous, I was sad, the kids were happy so that's all that really matters, and... I miss Matt.

Oh, fun tidbit: In these photos of Noah's first birthday party, I was about three months pregnant with little Chlo-Chlo. :)