Monday, April 9, 2012

"where you invest your love, you invest your life"

A little Mumford & Sons.

Easter gave me a nice dose of spiritual rejuvenation. I hadn't been to Mass in a long time but I attended 7:00am Mass on Sunday and it was lovely. Easter might be my new favorite holiday.

I've been thinking more about my nonexistent tattoo that will someday become existent. But I'm not sure when that will be. I originally wanted to get it done for my birthday but Chloe is only partially weaned. Who knew what a chore weaning would be? She's just not ready yet. Maybe in a few months...

Anyway, my idea was to get "Matthew 28:20" on my wrist. However, I thought about what do I want to say when people ask me about my tattoo? So what do I want that answer to be? Well, of course, I want the answer to involve Matt and the unexpected turn that my life took. I'm not sure Matthew 28:20 would lead to that information (very briefly, anyway). So I am now thinking about a series of numbers intertwined and those numbers would be 7 20 11. Perhaps in between angel wings. And so when someone said, "What does your tattoo mean?" I could say something like, "That's the day my life was turned upside down," or "That's the last day I ever saw my husband," and voila! Storytime ensues. So I am on to something now.

But I think I will add "Matthew 28:20" to my second tattoo idea, which is a cross and lilies on my side. But that won't happen for a while yet... if at all. Who knows. I've always been funny about tats so this whole thing is wild.

When one has lost someone close, I think it's important to take anything that could be viewed as a sign and run with it. So I did that again yesterday. I was driving along, staring irresponsibly out at the sky as usual... and in the middle of the blue, naked sky was a little cloud all by itself. Aaand it was shaped like a heart. It was from Matt, which is totally something he would do. He told me he would love me in Heaven. I have it in writing. So I'm glad to see that he's being true to his word.

I bought a potted lily, some tulips and a little Easter egg for his grave. I added the tulips and Easter egg to the two that were already left there by someone else in the vase and then I set the lilies in front of the headstone. It looked nice and festive.

Lately, Noah has been saying, "I want to go home." I do, too. But that would involve a time machine. I do not feel like I have a home. I am still experiencing the ripples that Matt's death created. I'm sure they will keep going for a long time. I still feel like I'm in transition. I look forward to the day when I actually feel like I have my stuff together... mentally and physically. But this whole life rebuilding thing is actually quite a lengthy process (not that I didn't know that but I would love to fast forward through the next two years and just have a job and a house already).

As for these ripples/aftereffects... for example, I finally received an ambulance bill a couple weeks ago. It was only about $400, which surprised me. I was thinking it would be more like $900. Since I took Matt's number, I received a call from a recruiter because she had a job opportunity he might be interested in. I called her back and told her. I still haven't taken his name off of our bank account although I'm kind of in the process of doing so.

Every time I go to write the year, I pause for a millisecond because I think, "Wait. Is it 2012?" 2012 seems ridiculous... like there's no way it's 2012. But it is. Weird.

I think I have written enough nonsense by now. This is weird because finals are in two weeks so I don't really have a lot of things to do. I feel like I have an unusual amount of down time... like I'm forgetting something... but I don't think that's the case. Regardless, this is a sucky blog entry so I'm going to force myself to quit.

Oh, I know, it's because I'm no longer planning a birthday party.

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