Tonight, I just feel like sharing lyrics to a song that Matt wrote in 2005.
Christmas Angel
By: Matt Hales
Tuning (low to high) – C, G, D, G, B, D
Verse:
My future waits for me Standing beside our Christmas tree Wrapped in white, her eyes look like The snowfall on the outside I look at her and say…
Chorus 1:
You’re my Christmas angel Perched atop the tree Instilling all you gaze upon, with sweetened holiday dreams
Verse:
I do recall our falling into A Christmas love that will last forever For the first time complete Finally I felt set free When those eyes, they said to me “Won’t you be my everything
Chorus 1:
You’re my Christmas angel Perched atop the tree Instilling all you gaze upon, with sweetened holiday dreams I’ll strike up the fire If you’ll cue up the songs We shall dance forever To the melodies of one year ago You’re the greatest gift given to me. You’ve the prettiest face I’ve ever seen
Bridge:
If you weren’t here for Christmas, things wouldn’t be the same Although this is the first of many, you define my holiday.
Bridge 2:
Chorus 1:
Stephanie You’re my Christmas angel Perched atop the tree Instilling all you gaze upon, with sweetened holiday dreams I’ll strike up the fire If you’ll cue up the songs We shall dance forever To the melodies of one year ago You’re the greatest gift given to me
Fade Out:
You’re my Christmas angel You’re my Christmas angel You’re my Christmas angel darling You’re my Christmas angel, and you’re the only one for me
I have much more to share, of course. It has been several days since my last post. I went to a support group for the first time last night and I hope to write about that soon. Things have been chaotic without a daycare to do the hard work for me, ha ha.
I typed the following into a Word document last night due to my sketchy internet connection.
Christmas. It was honestly not as bad as I anticipated. I kept myself busy and these kids make it impossible to ignore the joy that this time of year brings. They are my angels. It was fun. I wish more than anything that Matt could have been here to watch their faces light up (well, Noah’s face) at the Christmas lights and presents… and I hope that he was able to see that. I just wish we could have been together; the family that we should have been. We should have been together in our home in North Carolina doing all this. We should have been packing up to leave for Michigan tomorrow. This was supposed to be OUR first Christmas together in our home.
I guess I’ve gotten used to the “should have beens”. I tend to think of them now as “never meant to be’s”. It just wasn’t meant to be that way. I always thought it would be but God had other plans. Even when I think of it that way… doesn’t make it any less sad. The busyness of the holiday kept me from becoming depressed. I’ve been constantly surrounded by loving family and I’ve been focused on trying to make this time of year fun for others (like the kids, of course). What is kind of cool is that Matt saw what half of their presents were. I bought their Christmas presents throughout the year – one per child per month to be exact. I had a lot of fun doing it that way. I looked forward to a new month because I got to keep my eye out for presents and I would show Matt what they were. I wonder what he would have gotten me for Christmas this year. I haven’t even really thought about what I would have gotten for him. I push that to the back of my mind although every time I go shopping, I still can’t help but to glance at the men’s clothes and think about what he would look good in or what he would like. I oftentimes think, “I wish Matt was here so I could buy that for him.” The only difference between Christmas this year and Christmases past is that I would be sad when Christmas was over in years past; I would start counting down the days until the next Christmas on December 26. Now, I am just glad it’s over and I don’t really care about the next one. It’s just another day without Matt. I don’t mean for that to sound as negative as it comes off; it’s true. I still partake in celebrations but the bottom line is… it’s just another day without Matt. Everything is duller now.
Overall, Christmas was okay. Different but okay. I get up every day and think, “I’m okay” and I thank God every night for the strength He has graced me with. I know He will direct me, I just have to let Him lead. And I continuously think about the day I will see Matt again. That alone makes me happy. It’s what I live for. I found a new daycare for the kids. It is so great that it was the only place I toured. It’s very similar to the center we used in North Carolina so I felt comfortable with it right away. It’s new, I like the way it’s set up and it’s very close to the highway. It’s just around the corner from where I grew up. I thought today while I was driving that I appreciate my hometown so much more after being away for 3-1/2 years; especially under these circumstances. It feels good to be back home where my support system is. I’m so glad that our kids will be raised here, around people who knew their dad and will be able to share stories about him.
I went for a manicure on Friday and she asked straight away what my “hubby” did for a living. When Matt comes up in conversation, I automatically go to say, “He’s dead,” but I stop myself because it sounds so horrible. I always end up saying, “He died in July,” but I still shared that he was a pharmaceutical sales rep. One of these days I will feel comfortable just saying he’s dead. I just need to say it. Maybe I still can’t grasp it so I try to use nicer terms. Turns out, the woman doing my nails lost a child years ago. She said after a while, it just becomes a part of your story and you don’t worry about other people feeling sorry for you. It is what it is and it can never be changed.
Right now, I am just doing the best I can with what I have and letting God do the rest. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas with good food, good family and good faith!
I have been having internet issues since I moved. I'm still having some but it looks like I will be able to blog again! We are getting settled in here nicely. Chloe is napping my arms right now so if I cut this short, it's because she woke up!
I have been feeling pretty good over the weekend. Today marks five months since Matt's death. Five months ago today at this very moment I was sitting downstairs where I worked, and I had just been told of the accident. I was sitting in a chair with tears running down my face trying to process everything. I didn't talk much. I was completely stunned. I remember saying at one point, "I don't even know what to do. What am I supposed to do?"
It was as though everything was taken away from me and I forgot how to live all in a split second. I don't even know how I stayed on my feet. I guess I have Karla to thank for that. :)
That day is all quite clear to me still. I hope it stays clear to me for a long time. It was such an awful awful day... but it was the last day I ever saw Matt. The day he died. It's an important day despite how tragic it is.
I had such a depressing dream the other night. I had not dreamed about Matt in such a long time and then I get this? He had cancer. He was given 2-3 months to live. I was trying to think that maybe a miracle would happen; maybe he would survive longer even though it didn't look so good. We were talking and I told him I never wanted to lose him. He got really upset and said, "You'll just find someone else." Through tears, I hugged him and said, "I will never find anyone else." I wanted to say "Our vows were all the days of my life" but I don't know if I actually did. I remember thinking that. My life's not over yet.
I had another dream with him in it last night... but it was really insignificant. I don't remember much about it... or anything for that matter. Just that he was there.
I stopped by the cemetery on Sunday. It was an improvised trip, like they usually are. It's difficult for me not to stop when I drive through Rockford to get to my mom's house; right past the cemetery. Both kiddos were asleep in the car so I stopped.
Well, Chloe's short naps never cease to amaze me...
I am going through the packing process again. On a slightly lesser scale but as I was packing up my clothes today, I just kept stopping on certain things that I had when Matt was alive. Like a dress that I wore to a wedding and I remembered us dancing together. A dress that he bought for me in Hawaii and I remember wearing it on our honeymoon in Aruba. The sweater he got me for Christmas last year when I was pregnant. Tops that I wore often when I was pregnant with Noah. A couple of tops that I bought shortly before he died. Some graphic tees I bought while we were shopping in Myrtle Beach together. Same thing with a hoodie. A nightshirt that he got me on our first (well, technically second if you count high school) Valentine's Day together. All these little memories made me stop and think so packing up my clothes has been a day-long process. I haven't even started on the kids' clothes yet. Or anything else for that matter.
The shirt I was wearing the day he died... I got rid of it in North Carolina. And the pants, too. I never wanted to see those clothes again.
So yes... moving again. And it's not the last time. We are moving to a "temporary home" about 30-40 minutes north of Grand Rapids. It's a nice homey cottage on the lake. We already stayed there one weekend to test it out. It is so cute. It will be an hour long commute to Grand Valley every day (and an hour back) but... it's temporary, like I said. I'm sure there will be times that we stay in Rockford, too.
One more step away from our old lives. It's weird. I miss Matt. We would be hanging out at home right now. Probably eating dinner. Then one of us would go give Noah a bath and we would all read bedtime stories together. Miss him tons.
I was not very religious before Matt died. I wanted to be. I believed. I respected religion. But anything I had just felt it was coming from the outside. I was religious according to what I saw in other people. I was just trying to do what they did... going through the motions, if you will. It was not coming from within. I don't even like to admit this but it was almost as though I turned my nose up at the idea of really trying. But now I realize that I shouldn't have to "really try." It should just be there. It wasn't there. I don't know why. Matt was a good start though. He brought me to church and he encouraged me to attend Mass regularly and pray regularly. I was baptized because of him. And that is a really big deal! I only now realize what a big deal that is. Because now I realize how important it is to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), "Fear not for I am with you" (Isaiah 41:10), "Trust in the Lord with all your heart" (Proverbs 3:5), etc. etc. Just live in Christ. I was not before. Now the gospel is on my lips and on my heart; something completely uncharacteristic of the person I was before Matt died. I truly feel it from within where I didn't before.
I received an incredibly kind and gracious letter from the CEO and president of Mary Free Bed. As if he isn't busy enough, he took the time to hand-write a thank you card in response to the donation and letter I sent in memory of Matt! The donation will be used specifically for resources related to traumatic brain injury patients, which is so wonderful and exactly what Matt would want. I can only imagine how happy this makes him and I am happy to have been able to contribute to an organization that Matt held near and dear to his heart.
I'm not strong all the time. It's late nights like these, after I'm finished doing a mediocre job of ensuring that my two kids don't kill themselves for the day, when I'm left feeling quite empty and I just want to drown all my sorrows in a.) a slew of curse words b.) alcohol, c.) bitter, envious thoughts or d.) all of the above.
A recipe for danger.
I know in my heart that I need to stay focused on the big picture here... but at the same time, what's a little danger? I think it's healthy to take some time to be angry, weak and pitiful. As long as it is done responsibly... and sparingly. So here I am; wallowing in my depression, thinking of all the great things Matt and I will never have together that everyone else will and I'll have the pleasure of watching with a smile on my face. My kids are going to grow up without their dad, I'm a single widowed mother, I'm going back to school with a 9-month old who is addicted to my boob and won't take a bottle and a two-year old who grabs knives out of the dishwasher and runs with them. Ahhh... life is so great.
In the recent weeks following Matt's death I would stay awake as long as I could because I never wanted tomorrow to come. Now that it's become pretty obvious that I can't stop time by becoming an insomniac, I celebrate the evenings - one more day is over. I think I need to pray and go to bed. One more day is over.
I am just waiting for that day when I get to meet him there. We're both waiting. I don't care how long it takes. Just knowing that I will be there one day is enough. I can't live here forever.
I have spent so many hours pondering the meaning of life. I think the meaning of life is to bring out the best in others. There's more to that, of course. I presumably have many more hours to continue thinking about the meaning of life.
I have an appointment set up to attend a "new member meeting" at a grief support center in Grand Rapids. I'm really excited about it. The meeting is on the 26th. A couple of other things I need to get lined up are 1.) a counselor and 2.) a will. Oh... and 3.) daycare.
I found the YouTube account that Matt created, finally. I couldn't remember our username and he was the one who always uploaded the vids. But since they changed their layout and connected to Google... well, I must have been signed into Matt's Google account and I found it. So I was able to link the video bar to the right to our account and I uploaded all the videos that were on Matt's phone that weren't yet on there. Two are of Chloe - Matt talking to her. How special it will be for her to have those. So now they are over there on the side, all in one place. I just need to find the charger to our camcorder because there is a lot more footage that I can't wait to see. One I remember specifically is Matt "interviewing" me at the hospital the night before I had Noah. There's also one I can think of where we are just being silly in the kitchen. I'm so glad he bought that thing. He bought it in 2009 because we were having a baby.
Kristen and I are going to get pedicures today. Some lovely girl time. :) She is home for Christmas break and it makes me happy. Love you, Kristen!
That picture was taken a year ago while we were visiting for Christmas. I was six months pregnant with Chloe at the time.
I was looking at that loveseat last night; remembering when that picture was taken.
Things are going well. We are moving next weekend and school is rapidly approaching so I am just trying to prepare as best as I can. I'm looking forward to this next chapter in my life but at the same time it's bittersweet. Anything that has to do with moving forward is bittersweet. I would love to hang out in the past forever but I know that's not logical.
I felt that Tracy (Matt's mom) would provide a good perspective on the things we are experiencing so I asked her if she would like to write something up for my blog. I was hoping she would write about her after-death experience and she did! :)
My dearest Stephanie, Your words, “I was so heartbroken over the fact that he died so tragically and suddenly and I was never at his side” struck a deep chord with me. I had that exact feeling over eleven years ago when I learned of Matt’s first accident. Despair quickly set in, as I wanted my son to know that I was nearby when and if he took his final breath. Hundreds of miles and a long drive home stood between us. I was so afraid that he might die alone, without Mark and I; his mom and dad. I have since learned that this is far from the truth. On August 20, of last year, as you well know, I experienced death first hand. Thank you for asking me to share my story.
I had taken a four to five mile run along Lake Michigan with two friends. I felt great, though it was a very warm August morning. Three hours later, I began to shuck corn on our front porch to freeze for the winter. I had been bent over for quite some time and when I stood up, I had pressure and a pinched feeling in my chest. I walked into the house, thinking that if I stretched, it would go away. It didn’t. Mark was just getting out of the shower. I told him I didn’t feel well. He said, “You don’t look good. You are as white as a ghost.” When I described the chest pressure and pain, he told me I might be having a heart attack.
“I can’t be having a heart attack!” I replied in disbelief. The pain began to radiate into my jaw. Mark insisted I go to the hospital with him, as he was on his way to work there.
Ten minutes later I was in the emergency department. As a nurse and Mark were wheeling me into a room, I distinctly remember looking up at Mark from the wheelchair. “I think I’m going to pass out.”
I began having the most remarkable dream I ever remember…
…as Mark and the triage nurse quickly lifted me onto the table. Mark watched in horror as my body postured and seized, gasping for a breath. I turned shades of red as my lungs cried for air. My face contorted into a silent scream. My body became lifeless; eyes open, staring at the ceiling. For three long minutes the emergency department fought to save my life. Mark held my hand, thinking “I can’t believe I just watched my wife die.”
…In my dream, a feeling of pure love and peace enveloped my very being. I walked into a sunny clearing where I met at least five people. I clearly remember they were different ages and sizes, but their faces are only shadows to me now. I remember talking to these people, thinking “This is so amazing, I need to remember this.” I was completely happy and loved. I felt like I knew them.
Then I felt very annoyed, and I believe this was when the second shock of two-hundred joules of electricity coursed through my body. I could hear Mark desperately calling my name. I turned away from the faces, thinking, “I can’t believe you are interrupting me right now! This is so important.” I then found myself staring at the stark fluorescent lights. “You had a heart attack,” Mark said.
I began to pray, wondering if I might die. At that moment, I didn’t realize that I actually had. I had been given CPR for three minutes before I was revived by a second shock.
I talked with Matt on the phone that night. We had both survived events against all odds. Ninety Seven percent of all people who experience what I did do not live. Had we arrived at the hospital one minute later, I would not be here.
Today, I draw a great sense of peace and comfort from my event. While my body appeared to be in great pain, I have no recollection of that. I know in my heart that Matt did not feel pain, either.
It was difficult for me to return to that peace that I once felt upon learning of my son’s death, even though I knew it should comfort me. It is now a memory that I return to often, as it does bring me a great sense of peace.
I KNOW that Matt was not alone when he died. He is now in the most remarkable place in the world. It is my hope that I can someday make it back to that place where I felt such tremendous peace and love. This yearning will remain with me for the rest of my days that I walk this earth.
My journal entry from August 7, 2011: I plan to honor Matt’s memory by loving more; showing my family and friends the appreciation, love and affection that they deserve. God’s joy exists everywhere, I just need to notice it. I will take this journey, however unwelcome it may be, with honor, faith, hope, grace and love. In doing so I know I will be reunited with Matt again, someday.
2 Cor 5:2,8 So we are always courageous, although we know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yet we are courageous, and we would rather leave the body and go home to the Lord. Therefore, we aspire to please him, whether we are home or away.
Only the beginning of seeing dads pick up their kids from daycare.
Only the beginning of watching their eyes light up at the sight of their dad.
Soon there will be school events with both parents present... and our kids will wish their dad was there, too.
There may come times where Noah and Chloe each have their own activity or sport and I will have to choose which one to attend, knowing that Matt won't be at the other.
He won't be there to walk Chloe down the aisle on her wedding day or to give fatherly advice to Noah... which is really too bad because Matt would have raised Noah to be a wonderful man. I have some impossible shoes to fill. I always thought about how having a bunch of boys would be great for society because Matt would be their dad. :)
Father's Day will serve as a yearly reminder of what we all lost. What Noah and Chloe never really knew.
They are so young I don't even know if they will ever really miss him.
I would give up everything I had if I could just see Noah's face light up at the sight of Matt walking through that door.
Today was another "day of decline". One of those days where the reality sinks in and I feel like I've been hit with the news all over again. I just feel so empty and out of control on days like today. I just can't believe I'm never going to see him again in this life. He's gone forever. He will never be here to complete our family. Our family will always be incomplete. Not like most families. Just not how I imagined my life turning out. Everything was so perfect.
Noah and Chloe are proof that what we had was real. That our love was real. That Matt was real. Because sometimes I wonder if it will ever become so distant in my memory that it will seem as if it was all just a dream. Our kids are proof that it wasn't.
This just sucks so bad.
I've been falling behind in my devotions. Obvious? The Bible gives me strength - I better make time to catch up on my readings tonight. Maybe instead of blogging I should be reading!
One last thing not so much grief-related. I finally was able to get into the chemistry section I have been stalking GVSU's website for! The professor is very highly rated so I'm really excited. And this particular section is at the downtown campus. I'm officially done playing around with my schedule (I think).
I've been flipping through the guestbook from the funeral home. There are 355 entries... and a lot of those came in couples or families. Matt affected so many people. I miss him.
Last week, I was skimming over our text conversations on Matt's phone. A few of them made me laugh (like the baby name one I already posted).
Thu, Mar 10, 2011, 11:05 AM
S: I’m going to get good mood food for lunch
M: That commercial obviously worked.
Thu, Mar 10, 2011, 2:19 PM
S: Awww everyone here at work gave me a little baby sprinkle
M: I have no idea what that means
Tue, Mar 22, 2011, 11:51 AM
S: I had a dream that I got sucked into Crystal Lake and it was crazy wavy and you jumped in and saved me and brought me back to shore.
M: Sounds right
Wed, Mar 30, 2011, 9:26 AM
M: Noah is so cute when he gets to daycare. Veronica asks him if he wants to sit for some food and he sits down in his little chair and is all sweet
Thu, Mar 31, 2011, 5:16 PM
S: Bring your pillows if you want too
S: Don’t forget sheets or blankets or whatever lol
S: Could you also bring me a loofah?
M: On my way. Want candy too?
That was when I was at the hospital with Chloe and Matt went home to visit Noah before he came back to the hospital to spend the night.
Fri, May 6, 2011
S: I was thinking we could plan for a nice big Disney trip in three years and then after that, depending on our financial situation we could either try for a third or adopt a sib set
M: Omg
I love that last one. Dreams of the future that will now never be. Pretty amazing how quickly things can change. Matt's reaction is pretty priceless. I don't think he thought that far ahead, lol.
Someone was kind enough to send to me a love letter that Beethoven wrote.
-- The Third Letter on July 7 Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine ever mine ever ours
I like to imagine what Matt would be doing if he was here with me. I never want to forget the expressions on is face; the look in his eyes. I visualize him with me when I am out doing things or at someone's house.
Our monument looks fantastic. I'm very pleased with it. Matt's date of birth and date of death are carved perfectly into the jet black granite. One day, my date of death will join the party and my body will be laid to rest next to his.
I went to Mass this morning alone. I went to Our Lady of Consolation, Matt's church; the one he invited me to years ago. We used to go there together. This was the first time I've ever been to Mass alone and I haven't been to Our Lady since his funeral. There were a couple of times I had to fight back tears.
Half of me is embracing this life and the other half is not. The side that embraces this new life is being thankful for all I have been blessed with despite the tragedy that caused it. The side that is struggling just keeps thinking about how long I have to (presumably) live without Matt and all the things I am going to encounter throughout my life for which Matt should be there, too. But he won't be there.
Heard that song today. Love it. Tenth Avenue North has some good stuff.
The other day (Friday) I decided that I still love this time of year. I can't not love it. It's certainly different without my soul mate here but I still love it. I am sad but there's still something magical about Christmas. I just pray that I continue to feel Matt's presence throughout the season. I know I shouldn't think about this stuff but I think New Year's is going to be the most depressing. I'm planning on going to bed early and just pretending like it's another day. At least with 2012 comes the hope of 12-21-12. A girl can hope right?
I miss him so much. I had been feeling quite well all weekend and then today it slowly went downhill. I know I need to be patient and understand that this is all a part of the LONG healing process but it's still annoying.
Lord, help me to be patient and allow my heart to heal in Your time. Amen.
I have been working my way through a book on grief for quite some time now. I'm sure I started it back in August and I am only halfway through it today! It is a compilation of others' perspectives on their grief journeys. One of them really struck me the other day as I was reading so I dogeared the page:
Many of us have disturbing visions after our loved one has died. The part that haunts us plays over and over in our minds. We may feel badly for our loved one, that their life was cut so short. We may wonder if they left this world in pain, and whether their pain has continued. We may even try to imagine their last moments, and fear they were frightened or angry that they were dying. -Remembering With Love by Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D. and Sherokee Ilse
That's one of the things I struggled the most with at first and I guess at times, I still do... just not as intensely. That, and hearing myself say, "Just take a day off tomorrow. Stay home and rest." I will never forget that conversation. Of all the nights to say that to him, it just so happened that I suggested that the night before he died. The night where, had he listened to me, it would have made all the difference in the world. Anyway, I just remember one the first questions I asked the officer being, "Was he unconscious?" I was so heartbroken over the fact that he died so tragically and suddenly and I was never at his side. I just wanted to know that he never felt any pain. But I feel that now he is not in any pain. He is in a glorious place. And he is watching over us.
I also think that perhaps it was best I never had the chance to go to the hospital. Maybe that was a blessing. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that that would have just been pure torture. To see him that way. To be there and not be able to do a thing to help. And then watch him die right in front of my eyes. I think it's better that it happened the way it did. A part of me still wonders if not ever choosing to view his body was right. I think it was right for me but I wonder if Matt cares. I wanted the last time I ever saw him to be when he was alive. If he doesn't agree, we can argue about it later. ;)
I called the monument company and confirmed that our headstone is up! I am so excited to see it. I am going downstate tomorrow so I will definitely see it for the first time this weekend. :) I hope that Matt loves it. He should, being that I put "his" quote on it. The one that he wanted put on my crystal necklace made from his ashes before he changed his mind about cremation (and I'm so glad he did... I just don't think I could have done that).
I finally picked up my wedding dress from the cleaners last week. I also have our photographer in NC working on a wedding album for me. I guess I'm glad we didn't do these post-wedding things sooner because doing them now gives me a strong connection to the wonderful memories of our wedding day and that makes me happy. And I'm really glad I decided not to trash my dress. :P
I had a dream a few nights ago that we were together on Christmas; that Matt was able to come back for Christmas. I was outside of myself watching us together. We were sitting in an oversized chair. That's pretty much all I remember. And I was obviously really happy.
After I got settled in up here post-funeral and all that, I started going through Matt's Facebook and Xanga to see what songs he shared and I found one called Arc of Time by Bright Eyes. It's perfect. Had I known about it prior to his funeral, I probably would have chosen these lyrics to put in the memorial folder.
You can make a plan
Carve it into stone
Like a feather falling
It is still unknown
Until the clock speaks up
Says it's time to go
You could choose the high
Or the lower road
You might clench your fist
You might fork your tongue
As you curse or praise
All the things you've done
And the faders move
And the music dies
As we pass over
On the arc of time
So you nurse your love
Like a wounded dove
In the covered cage of night
Every star is crossed
By frenetic thoughts
That separate and then collide
And they twist like sheets
Till you fall asleep
And they finally unwind
It's a black balloon
It's a dream you'll soon deny
I hear if you make friends
With Jesus Christ
You will get right up
From that chalk outline
And then you'll get dolled up
And you'll dress in white
All to take your place
In his chorus line
And then in you'll come
With those marching drums
In a saintly compromise
No more whiskey slurs
No more blonde haired girls
For your whole eternal life
And you'll do the dance
That was choreographed
At the very dawn of time
Singing, I told you son
The day would come
You would die, die, die, die
You would die, die, die, die
You would die, die, die, die
You would die, die, die
To the deepest part
Of the human heart
The fear of death expands
Till we crack the code
We have always known
But could never understand
On a circuit board
We will soon be born
Again, again, again, again
And again, again, again, again
And again, again, again, again
And again, again, again
It's a really cool song and I find it oddly coincidental that he shared it so long ago. I don't know why. It's just one of those things.
I have this irrational fear that Matt will forget about me and "move on" over the years. Then I wonder if he has the same fear about me. Probably not but what if he did? Can you imagine being separated from your spouse for 50 or 60 years and then being re-united after all that time? Maybe it won't feel like that much time has gone by when I'm dead. Maybe it will feel like I never left him... or he never left me, rather. I am so curious. And it would be so easy to find out. Maybe we exist on different levels in the same space. There's a fine line between life and death. All that separates us from the dead is a beating heart.
I heard a story a couple weeks ago. A wonderful story. A woman had a sudden cardiac arrest, died, and then came back three minutes later. After the fact, she was talking to one of the cardiologists who worked on her when she died and helped bring her back. She told him she didn't want to come back because she was with her son who had died previously. I'm actually living with someone who has a similar story and I'm hoping that maybe she will make an appearance on this blog and share it sometime. ;) These accounts of people who have seen the other side are incredible and bring me much comfort.
I was just scrolling through our old text conversations on his phone.
Thu, Mar 3, 2011 - We were talking about baby names
Me: How about Ryker
Matt: Sounds like a badass with guns
Matt: No
Me: LOL
Matt: I can just picture somebody with magazines of bullets draped across the chest, dark hair, shirtless, camouflage pants, firing an automatic weapon at a group of terrorists... possibly smoking a cigar
Matt: and maybe a camo headband
Me: LMAO
Still "LMAO"... he was so funny. We all miss his sense of humor; that's one of the things we miss the most about him. No one else is funny like Matt was. I'm the closest.
Technology is a blessing when it comes to memories. I was looking for a letter I saved in a Word document and, somehow while I was looking for this letter, I came across some song lyrics that Matt wrote and I had never seen before. I wonder if this song is about me. Maybe it's about someone else... but I think I will just go with the idea that it's about me, especially since I stumbled upon it. I think it was under my "recent docs" even though I have never seen this before. It's called Symphony for the Angel. It was written in May of 2003, which is shortly after I paid him a visit at college. I was still a senior in high school and Matt was a freshman at Aquinas. I know (I think) he had a girlfriend at this time but the lyrics don't really read "girlfriend" to me?
Here's your good message
I love you
Perhaps in a different way now than before
but I love you
and I wouldn't trade moments
shared with you
for anything in the world.
You means so much to me
and I never want to lose that.
The pain of not being with you
will go away, but
the true pain rests in not being your friend;
Hopefully you still see me
as one of your good friends,
because I sure as hell still put you
in the best friend category.
You are still an angel, and
still one of the greatest
things to happen to me.
Nobody can take that away.
Dream sweetly,
because that is what
you deserve.
And again...
I love you.
Goodnight
Maybe it's about another friend. I don't think it's a break-up song... but it could be. If he never showed this song to anyone then I'm claiming it! :P I know he always appreciated the fact that I was there for him even after he dumped my ass the day before he almost died. I was always there for him. I loved him. Never underestimate the power of high school teenage love.
I have a lot of catching up to do from last week. We went to Beulah on Wednesday and then down to Grand Rapids on Thursday (Thanksgiving). Then I went up to Mount Pleasant Friday night. Then to Clare on Saturday and back up to Petoskey Saturday night. It was a lot of traveling. The kids do so well. I guess they really had no choice but to make good friends with their carseats in the last few months.
It was a pretty emotional holiday. I missed having Matt there with me. I missed him for Chloe's first Thanksgiving. I've been avoiding all those cute little bodysuits and sleep & plays that say "My 1st Christmas" or something similar. They just make me sad. I almost bought one the other day and as I was looking at it, I just thought it would be best to kind of dismiss the fact that this is going to be Chloe's first Christmas. There is already going to be sadness in the fact that Matt isn't here at all. I'm not trying to compound that issue with all the other things that go along with it.
However, despite everything, I am doing well. I am finding comfort in music, in family and in memories. And, of course, in the Bible. I'm also doing things for other people, which helps me, too. I try to give back year-round but every Christmas I commit to a charitable donation. Like... an angel tree, Salvation Army, donating supplies to the animal shelter, etc. Well, this year... I kicked it up a notch in memory of Matt. Plus, so many people have done things for ME and my kids in the last few months, I want to pay it forward. Matt had a special connection to Mary Free Bed after what he had been through in 2000 so I'm making a donation in his memory and including a letter about him that also contains words I took from his TBI blog. So, in a way, I'm hoping he can speak directly to other patients in a similar situation as his. I didn't want to send the donation without sharing his story.
Secondly, I picked up the Press last week and saw that they compiled wishes from those in need. I wanted to fulfill a wish that Matt would have wanted to fulfill. The one that caught my attention was from the Easter Seals West Michigan Therapy Center, a nonprofit clinic for children with special needs. I remembered that Matt was the president of Aquinas College's Project Open Heart, a club to establish positive disability awareness. And so... voila. I thought this might be right up his alley. They wanted a basketball hoop but when I called, someone had already fulfilled that wish. But she said they are also looking for Apple gift cards to purchase an iPad to help with speech and fine motor therapy. Well, that's perfect. So I ordered an iPad for them instead.
It is just a simple hope that I can make a small difference in someone else's life. I have been blessed. I have been taken good care of by Matt's company and by family, friends and strangers alike. If I am able to do something so generous, I will do it. Especially in memory of my beloved. He had a heart of gold; I want to be like him.
When I first thought about Thanksgiving, I was sort of bitter and felt like it would be silly to be "thankful" for anything this year. But over time, I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. If I had to choose one thing, it would be this:
I am thankful for the 11 years that I knew Matt and especially the last six years we shared our lives together. Matt truly made me a better person and still does today. He showed me God and introduced me to the Catholic faith. If it weren't for him, I don't know that I ever would have found God. He showed me what a good husband is. He was romantic, generous, faithful, supportive and worked hard to succeed for us. Now I could take nothing less. I would never replace him but if one day someone might come along... I know what a good husband is and I have very high standards. ;)
He also showed me what a good daddy is. In the 22 brief months that he was a dad, he was such a fun, energetic and devoted dad. He was so proud of our kids. He would come home from work every day and talk to me about how he showed pictures of the kids to the people at his doctor's offices and tell them all the wonderful things they were doing. I know that 22 months was far too brief, but I'm thankful that he was able to experience being a dad at all because I know how much he wanted that. I will never forget the sound of his voice saying, "We have a little boy!" when I gave birth to Noah. The first thing he did was walk over to me and give me a kiss (yes, he watched him come out).
And from there, our two beautiful children who are living pieces of Matt. I breathe a sigh of relief every time I think about them. I still have Matt with me in Noah and Chloe. There are no words to reflect just how thankful I am for that.
I count my blessings every day.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I had a not-so-fun dream last night. I was crying so hard and it was over the thing that hurts the most - that our kids are going to grow up without their dad.
Thanksgiving is this week. I look forward to being surrounded by family, especially Matt's family since I always feel more connected to him when I'm around his family. It will be really weird being with my family without him. That's when I feel so incomplete. I was always so proud to have him around my family because he was the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for. He was so funny and charming. I will really miss him a lot. In the last two years, we stayed home for Thanksgiving and just saved our days off to come up for Christmas and New Year's. This year, though... we would have been here for Thanksgiving since it was so near to the wedding we just attended. We usually traveled up here if there were enough reasons to make it worth our while. :) It's difficult to go through things that he would have been here for, too.
I went to the cemetery yesterday. I'm hoping our headstone is complete before the snow starts to stick! I don't know if they can put it up once it starts snowing. I have gotten back both pictures that I used on it so it must be close to complete. I'm so excited about it. And I'm even more excited that I'm going to have photos taken the first time I go see it, thanks to Sarah at Sarah Nelson Photography. I am sure it will turn out to be a beautifully-documented occasion. Anyway, I just caught up on my daily devotions, talked to Matt a little and prayed.
In terms of my emotional state, I feel pretty good today. Of course, I think about Matt all the time. I just miss him terribly but I look forward to the day we will get to see each other again. And I know we will get to see each other again. That's not even a question. And if I just keep that close to my heart, I can make it through. I have survived 123 days, 22 hours and 30 minutes. Like I said before, it doesn't really matter how much longer I have. It hurts no matter what; you just learn to live with it.
Just keep going... I say it all the time, but thank God for Noah and Chloe. I would really have no reason to live without them.
I went to a wedding. I was late to the ceremony but that was simply meant to be. It just so happened that my makeup artist was running a little behind schedule because she was doing makeup for a wedding party so that set me behind by about 15 minutes. I was truly not too worried about it. At all. I was able to sneak in unnoticed during the homily. So that probably spared me a few tears. I managed to hold it in... barely. And I could not look anywhere but at the pew in front of me during the vows and pretty much everything else. I just kept repeating over and over in my head, "Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together...". Since I was holding back tears, my nose started running instead. I brought a handkerchief in preparation. I would say overall... that was just short of torture. Perhaps it will get better with time... ?
Then I may or may not have had about four glasses of wine at the reception. And then went downtown afterwards. When the clock struck 12:00, it was the four-month anniversary of Matt's death.
I don't feel very "writey" tonight. It's getting late. Overall, the two things that summed up my weekend were white zinfandel and retail therapy.
I got my new and improved Michigan plate in the mail this week. Years ago, when Matt drove a Pontiac Grand Am in college, he had a license plate that said, "FR NOT". It was "Fear not" after Isaiah 41:10, which reads:
Fear not, I am with you;
be not dismayed; I am your God.
I will strengthen you, and help you,
and uphold you with my right
hand of justice.
So, I give you...
(FEARNOT was taken.)
I randomly decided to watch our wedding video today. I ended up laughing and smiling more than crying but, in the end, I was left feeling pretty sad and hopeless. That went pretty much as expected anyway. I decided to write down a few things as I watched, and that kind of distracted me from bawling the entire way through. Well that, plus Chloe is extra mad and teething and devilish today so that distracted me, too.
As soon as the video began, I started to cry... before the actual procession. This was just during the seating of the grandparents while Tom was singing Ave Maria. That's when I had the idea of writing down some memories and things because I remember the way I felt so nervous and excited when I was in the back of the church and I heard Tom start to sing. I was like, "Wow, it's starting!"
Matt looked over at me right before we started singing the opening song and he said into my ear, "You look beautiful."
My shoulders looked awesome from taking pilates and yoga that summer.
I noticed that sometimes I kind of look like Ginnifer Goodwin.
I loved my dress. I still love my dress.
Our vows were, "I, Matthew/Stephanie, take you, Stephanie/Matthew, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."
And when we put the rings on it was, "Stephanie/Matthew, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity in the name of the father, the son and the holy Spirit."
I just kept watching Matt and thinking, "There's my sweetheart. There's my baby. Gone forever."
I also kept taking notice of all the couples who had been together for a long time and thinking about how lucky they are and how jealous I am of them. That will never be us.
Matt's brother, Tom, was the best man and my best friend, Amber, was my maid of honor. Tom talked about how I visited him at the rehab center while he was recovering from his first car accident. He was conscious but he couldn't talk yet. And so when I left, Matt looked at Tom confused and Tom said, "Are you wondering why she didn't give you a kiss goodbye? You broke up with her the day before your accident." He concluded by saying, "The car accident was God's way of saying, 'Matt, don't be an idiot. This is the girl you need to spend the rest of your life with.'" And that he did.
Amber talked about how Matt and I first met. And shared the story about how I French kissed Matt in front of the entire swim team. Haha... that was funny. We were so dramatic.
Matt sung into my ear during our first dance. Just like he did when we went to our high school dance together.
He gets major props for pulling my garter off with his teeth.
And also for busting out his Michael Jackson dance moves. I love that I have that to show our kids.
I love how all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen said something to us and I love what Matt said to me. I can't remember what it was; I wanted to type it out but Chloe was preventing me from being able to do so. At the beginning he said, "The first time I saw Stephanie walk down the aisle she took my breath away. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. Stephanie, I'm so thankful for you and for your kindness and lovingness..." (I think maybe he made up a word) and that's where I left it. I just remember at the end he said, "I love you, honey."
We were so perfect for each other. Damn it.
I am so glad we got a videographer for our wedding. So so glad. Being in the position I'm in now... I would tell everyone to get a good videographer and a good photographer on their wedding day. If I knew way back then what I know now... I would have also taken the option to have the videographer film the photo session, too. I also would have done professional family pictures at least four times a year. I'm thankful we had them done when we did though. Especially that last family/maternity session we did in February. There are some priceless pictures in there of Matt and Noah together.
I'll include a retrospective of our wedding. It is played to our first dance song, "Such A Way" by Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers.
I thought I would treat myself a little bit today with a mani/pedi. I've honestly never had a pedicure before. It might be addicting. Now I have pretty fingers and pretty toes. I'm pampering myself again on Saturday and having my makeup done because I'm supposed to be going to a wedding on Saturday? My "I can do this" attitude has slowly transformed into a combination of increased heart rate and hyperventilation. I don't know.
Anyway, my story never surfaced during my salon experience today. Close. I was actually wondering if she would make a comment on my rings. I noticed she was married, too. The first time I thought I might spill was when she asked me if I was from around here. I said Grand Rapids originally... but I moved here from North Carolina in September. She said I had an accent! That is so amusing to me. She didn't ask me why I moved here. Narrow escape #1.
During my manicure, she asked if I had kids. I said yup, two. Instead of my rings sparking a husband inquiry, it sparked an offspring inquiry. Little did she know my husband's ring was two fingers down. Narrow escape #2.
Lastly, she asked how old our kids were and I said two and seven months. Ha, she said I did not look like I had a baby seven months ago. I said, "Well..." and just kind of laughed. I almost mentioned how losing weight due to being under a tremendous amount of stress isn't ideal but... I decided not to. I almost turned it into a tidbit on how breastfeeding actually helps you lose weight but I feel sure that's not the only reason why I don't look like I just had a baby seven months ago. I just let that one go. Narrow escape #3.
It's not like I mind telling my story if the conversation leads in that direction... not at all. But if I can get away with pretending like I'm still married and everything is great and perfect, I will. ;)
I feel sick. I get a knot in my stomach. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say? I'm totally stressing over it even though I know in my heart that God will carry me through it. I'm not supposed to fret about the future but I can't help it at this point. I'm just trying to think of things I can do that will help me. What is supposed to be a joyful time of family gatherings and making good memories is going to be another day where I "zombie" my way to getting it over with. I'm a zombie. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act... I'm not myself anymore without Matt. Sometimes I just feel like an empty shell and I fear that is what it will be like through the holidays from now on. Or at least for a while. I'm trying to stay focused on today and not worry about the future but that is a very advanced skill I have not yet mastered.
However, I think I am improving on letting God take over... turning to Him for comfort and consolation. Yesterday was a very good day for me. One of the best. I like those days.
I can't help but wonder... not only what Matt is experiencing now... but especially what he experienced in that hour between life and death. And I also wonder if it would have made a difference had I made it to the hospital before he died. Might my presence have somehow pulled him back? What if I was there with him, holding his hand? Could that have helped him stay? It is clear to me that he certainly fought as hard as he could. He would have never wanted this... but, from what I have read and heard from those who have seen the other side, Heaven has a powerful effect that makes it tough to leave. That's why I wonder if my presence next to his body would have helped and maybe that's selfish of me to think that way but it's just something I think about.
I know things are the way they were meant to be. I have faith in God's plan.
I love the snow. Yesterday we had our second snowfall of the season. It makes me happy but it's also a reminder of the changing seasons. The changing seasons... evidence that time goes on without Matt.
I've taken a liking to the show Parenthood. I caught an episode on Tuesday night by chance (it came on after something else) and ever since, I've been watching episodes online. It's hilarious but it also makes me cry. I like to watch other people have their problems even though they're fake, lol. I feel like I can identify with their pain even though it's different. It's therapeutic! It's heartwarming. And it brings back happy memories that I shared with Matt (like giving birth to Noah and Chloe). I've now gotten Hulu Plus and I think I will become addicted to it. I found a new joy in curling up in bed at night with Chloe and my laptop and watching old episodes of Parenthood. :)
Today is 11-11-11. Eleven is a very special number and so today is a very special day (and it's Veterans Day!)... but I think the fact that today is 11-11-11 contributed to the most wonderful dreams I ever had last night. I took notes on my phone when my alarm went off at 7:00. I tried to tell myself to take notes right after the dreams but I was still sleeping so that didn't happen.
In the first one, I was on a swing set with a bunch of people. I only remember one person, specifically, it was a guy who also went to our high school who passed away like only a week before Matt did. He was smiling and sitting to my left. There was a girl on my right but I don't know who it was. Everyone was happy. And everyone was holding hands while swinging. I know this sounds insane but dreams are insane. Anyway, it was bright and sunny... an all around warm vibe to this dream. I remember sitting on the swing holding this girl's hand to my right and then this guy walked up, smiling, took my hand and sat to my left. I remember thinking to myself that he was dead but I don't know if any of the other people there were aware of this. They all acted normal and happy. I have no clue where I was. So we were swinging and out in the distance, but not too far away, I saw Matt. He was up high, sitting on the roof of... get this... the white house... get this... reading! For anyone who doesn't know, Matt had a hobby of politics. He lived and breathed politics (well, aside from his family and his career) and he loved to read. He looked at me and smiled. He was wearing a white shirt. I looked at him and smiled. We weren't close enough to speak but close enough to clearly see each other's faces. I mouthed, "I love you," to him and he mouthed back, "I miss you so much," and I said the same. Missing someone is a melancholy feeling and I'm not sure that happens in Heaven but maybe it does. Or maybe human feelings only arise when they are in communication with the living. Look, this is the type of stuff I think about every single second of every single day. My mind is absolutely consumed with incredibly deep thoughts all day long it's almost painful. That is all I remember of that dream. It was amazing.
In my second dream, I was aware of the fact that I was asleep. It was almost as though I was lucid dreaming, I don't know. I heard Matt's voice but I did not see him anywhere. Now I must refer to my phone notes because this gets crazy. Matt was speaking to me, telling me to really feel him, feel his presence... to know that he is here with me. It felt like my body was being lifted. Like he was carrying me or something. It was super strange. I guess it could also be described as a feeling of levitation. Someone is going to have me committed to a mental hospital. Anyway, there came a moment where my concentration slipped because I could hear someone in the kitchen. But I wanted to stay in this dream so bad I fought to stay there and I was able to go back to him before leaving the dream. I felt like I was conscious of the fact that I was really trying to relax so my mind could remain open to this. I could feel myself smiling from ear to ear in my sleep. He was trying to assure me again that this was real but I can't remember his exact words. It was him.
These dreams are profound enough to move me to tears. When I finished taking notes on my phone this morning, it was 7:11.
Okay, so that's done. What else... like I said, I just continuously have thoughts of life after death, when/how will I die, what is Matt doing, what can Matt feel, school, my purpose in life, prayer, the future, Jesus is with me, Matt is with me, take care of the kids, write, think, read, pray, eat, try to function like a normal human being, thinking of others who are overcoming a loss, what is all this for, why do we do the things we do when we are all going to die someday, maybe I was Matt's purpose, maybe the kids were Matt's purpose, I need to clean my room, I need to go to the store, what if I die today, why didn't Matt see the tractor, what would we be doing right now if he was still here, why are things the way they are, my dreams, is Matt with me right now, and I need to stop thinking for a minute to give my brain a break but it's impossible.
Living like this is torture. But I know just have to hold onto my faith. It would be so much easier to hate my life and never get out of bed in the morning but I can't do that because of these two little angels of ours. They are saving my life. I know this process can't be rushed but I look forward to the day when I can feel totally and completely happy again. Grief is really taking a toll on me... it weighs so heavily on my mind and spirit. And it is ANNOYING! I want my old life back. I just need to keep moving forward even though my heart yearns for what is no more.
I still don't understand. I can't help but keep asking why. Why this happened. I know one day the reason will be revealed to me. I know God is holding me and Matt is in my corner... cheering me on. But ahh sometimes I am just screaming inside.
I had a dream last night where I was thinking that even though I will be very busy once school starts, it would probably be a smart thing to make time to see a counselor on a day where I have only one or two classes. And so that is what I'm going to do. I think I will especially need it while I'm in school.
As a side note, that song "Good Life" by OneRepublic makes me so MAD! I hate it with every ounce of my being and I hate seeing that stupid Disney commercial.
In a world filled with corruption, infidelity, manipulation, dishonesty...
Matt was my knight in shining armor. He was my best friend. My rock. I know (knew) he would never hurt me or leave me. He was my light in a world filled with darkness. I could always depend on him.
On this DVD of his entitled "Original Songs", there is a folder called "Incomplete". It's just a bunch of songs, recordings, poems, etc. he never finished. There is a song in there called I Love from 2005.
[Edit: I found a complete version of the song... even better!]
I Love
By; Matt Hales
Verse:
GB/GC/GDsus2
I love you for, your care-free soul,
G B/G C/G Dsus2
When you call, “do you need anything”
G B/G C/G Dsus2
Your desire to take care of me
G B/G C/G Dsus2
You are the fire and the light of my eyes
Pre-Chorus:
C/GDsus2 GF#/GEm
Wrap your arms around me, so I may feel your touch
C/G Dsus2
Enfold myself in you, I become lost
Verse 2:
GB/GC/GDsus2
For cognizance of the arts
G B/G C/G Dsus2
Music, art, film, your fascination in wine
G B/G C/G Dsus2 G
The questions you have, about God and his work in our lives
B/G C/G Dsus2
I love you,
Pre-Chorus 2:
Chorus:
EmCGF#/G
I love you more than the stars in the sky
Em C G Dsus2
More than the moon, that you make me fly by
Em C G F#/G
When you look in, into my eyes I get
Em C G Dsus2 C/G Dsus2
Lo---st, your beauty captures my soul – I beg of you – Hypnotize me tonight
Verse 3:
GB/GC/GDsus2
I love you for those midnight reminders
G B/G C/G Dsus2
That keep me from a hospital bed
G B/G C/G Dsus2 G
The way you gently wipe the sleep from my eyes
B/G C/G Dsus2 G F#/G
Proclaiming they’re the only pair you can see
Pre-Chorus 3:
EmC/GG F#/GEm
Gaze into each other’s eyes for hours on end
Em C/G G Dsus2
That look tells me you love me, I need not hear your words
Chorus:
Bridge 1: Instrumental
Bridge 2: With harmonics
You are
the air I breathe
The water I drink
The blanket that warms me
Without you, I’d suffocate
Dehydrate or freeze
Without you
Without you I would bleed
Bridge:
Chorus (Alt lyrics):
I love your sensual touch
When you ask me to play for you
We kiss, and our lips become one
I love these things about you and more
In so many ways
I love you
"Your midnight reminders that keep me from the hospital" ~ He is talking about me reminding him to take his seizure medication at night. He was supposed to take it around the same times every day.
I took a life lesson from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding (great movie). It's when Michael and Julianne are on the boat and he says, "When you feel something you say it right then and there or else the moment just passes you by." Don't hate on the fact that that came from a chick flick. It's a good chick flick. And it's a good piece of advice. I've always tried to live by it and I am glad I have. Anytime I thought about how much I loved Matt, I told him as soon as the thought entered my mind. And he did the same for me. Now he's gone. But I will always remember doing that. I will especially always the remember the random times he would tell me sweet things. It's the most simple thing, telling the person you love how you feel. I didn't tell him I loved him that morning but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. Because if I had, it would have been more of a routine thing. The moments where I truly spoke from my heart are the moments that really matter.
