Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm going to be honest

Like always.

I'm not strong all the time. It's late nights like these, after I'm finished doing a mediocre job of ensuring that my two kids don't kill themselves for the day, when I'm left feeling quite empty and I just want to drown all my sorrows in a.) a slew of curse words b.) alcohol, c.) bitter, envious thoughts or d.) all of the above.

A recipe for danger.

I know in my heart that I need to stay focused on the big picture here... but at the same time, what's a little danger? I think it's healthy to take some time to be angry, weak and pitiful. As long as it is done responsibly... and sparingly. So here I am; wallowing in my depression, thinking of all the great things Matt and I will never have together that everyone else will and I'll have the pleasure of watching with a smile on my face. My kids are going to grow up without their dad, I'm a single widowed mother, I'm going back to school with a 9-month old who is addicted to my boob and won't take a bottle and a two-year old who grabs knives out of the dishwasher and runs with them. Ahhh... life is so great.

In the recent weeks following Matt's death I would stay awake as long as I could because I never wanted tomorrow to come. Now that it's become pretty obvious that I can't stop time by becoming an insomniac, I celebrate the evenings - one more day is over. I think I need to pray and go to bed. One more day is over.

I'm not strong all the time.


  1. You don't know me. I don't know you. However I wanted to let you know that there are people out there, reading your words, listening to you. You are allowed not to be strong. You are human. Just keep going. You may feel alone but there is a whole team out there with you.

  2. Word for word exactly how I have been feeling lately. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way, but in reality, it's ok. It's ok to not be strong every day. I'm very thankful that we connected and are able to chat back and forth. Keeping you and your little ones in my thoughts every day.