Thursday, December 1, 2011

Chloe is hysterical so I can't think of a title

I finally picked up my wedding dress from the cleaners last week. I also have our photographer in NC working on a wedding album for me. I guess I'm glad we didn't do these post-wedding things sooner because doing them now gives me a strong connection to the wonderful memories of our wedding day and that makes me happy. And I'm really glad I decided not to trash my dress. :P

I had a dream a few nights ago that we were together on Christmas; that Matt was able to come back for Christmas. I was outside of myself watching us together. We were sitting in an oversized chair. That's pretty much all I remember. And I was obviously really happy.

After I got settled in up here post-funeral and all that, I started going through Matt's Facebook and Xanga to see what songs he shared and I found one called Arc of Time by Bright Eyes. It's perfect. Had I known about it prior to his funeral, I probably would have chosen these lyrics to put in the memorial folder.

You can make a plan
Carve it into stone
Like a feather falling
It is still unknown
Until the clock speaks up
Says it's time to go
You could choose the high
Or the lower road
You might clench your fist
You might fork your tongue
As you curse or praise
All the things you've done
And the faders move
And the music dies
As we pass over
On the arc of time
So you nurse your love
Like a wounded dove
In the covered cage of night
Every star is crossed
By frenetic thoughts
That separate and then collide
And they twist like sheets
Till you fall asleep
And they finally unwind
It's a black balloon
It's a dream you'll soon deny

I hear if you make friends
With Jesus Christ
You will get right up
From that chalk outline
And then you'll get dolled up
And you'll dress in white
All to take your place
In his chorus line
And then in you'll come
With those marching drums
In a saintly compromise
No more whiskey slurs
No more blonde haired girls
For your whole eternal life
And you'll do the dance
That was choreographed
At the very dawn of time
Singing, I told you son
The day would come
You would die, die, die, die

You would die, die, die, die
You would die, die, die, die
You would die, die, die

To the deepest part
Of the human heart
The fear of death expands
Till we crack the code
We have always known
But could never understand
On a circuit board
We will soon be born
Again, again, again, again
And again, again, again, again
And again, again, again, again
And again, again, again

It's a really cool song and I find it oddly coincidental that he shared it so long ago. I don't know why. It's just one of those things.

I have this irrational fear that Matt will forget about me and "move on" over the years. Then I wonder if he has the same fear about me. Probably not but what if he did? Can you imagine being separated from your spouse for 50 or 60 years and then being re-united after all that time? Maybe it won't feel like that much time has gone by when I'm dead. Maybe it will feel like I never left him... or he never left me, rather. I am so curious. And it would be so easy to find out. Maybe we exist on different levels in the same space. There's a fine line between life and death. All that separates us from the dead is a beating heart.

I heard a story a couple weeks ago. A wonderful story. A woman had a sudden cardiac arrest, died, and then came back three minutes later. After the fact, she was talking to one of the cardiologists who worked on her when she died and helped bring her back. She told him she didn't want to come back because she was with her son who had died previously. I'm actually living with someone who has a similar story and I'm hoping that maybe she will make an appearance on this blog and share it sometime. ;) These accounts of people who have seen the other side are incredible and bring me much comfort.

I wrote something about Matt and submitted it to the State Highway Patrol's online Fatality Victims Memorial so it can be viewed here:,000014,001625&mem=193&year=2011

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