Friday, December 2, 2011


I have been working my way through a book on grief for quite some time now. I'm sure I started it back in August and I am only halfway through it today! It is a compilation of others' perspectives on their grief journeys. One of them really struck me the other day as I was reading so I dogeared the page:

Many of us have disturbing visions after our loved one has died. The part that haunts us plays over and over in our minds. We may feel badly for our loved one, that their life was cut so short. We may wonder if they left this world in pain, and whether their pain has continued. We may even try to imagine their last moments, and fear they were frightened or angry that they were dying. -Remembering With Love by Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D. and Sherokee Ilse

That's one of the things I struggled the most with at first and I guess at times, I still do... just not as intensely. That, and hearing myself say, "Just take a day off tomorrow. Stay home and rest." I will never forget that conversation. Of all the nights to say that to him, it just so happened that I suggested that the night before he died. The night where, had he listened to me, it would have made all the difference in the world. Anyway, I just remember one the first questions I asked the officer being, "Was he unconscious?" I was so heartbroken over the fact that he died so tragically and suddenly and I was never at his side. I just wanted to know that he never felt any pain. But I feel that now he is not in any pain. He is in a glorious place. And he is watching over us.

I also think that perhaps it was best I never had the chance to go to the hospital. Maybe that was a blessing. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that that would have just been pure torture. To see him that way. To be there and not be able to do a thing to help. And then watch him die right in front of my eyes. I think it's better that it happened the way it did. A part of me still wonders if not ever choosing to view his body was right. I think it was right for me but I wonder if Matt cares. I wanted the last time I ever saw him to be when he was alive. If he doesn't agree, we can argue about it later. ;)

I called the monument company and confirmed that our headstone is up! I am so excited to see it. I am going downstate tomorrow so I will definitely see it for the first time this weekend. :) I hope that Matt loves it. He should, being that I put "his" quote on it. The one that he wanted put on my crystal necklace made from his ashes before he changed his mind about cremation (and I'm so glad he did... I just don't think I could have done that).

You are my all, my everything

He will always be my everything.

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