I've had many a thought that would have been good to record here over the last... however long it's been since I've actually taken the time to write something somewhat meaningful. I just never actually made it this far. Today is a miracle! Considering it's been six years exactly since my life took a drastic, unexpected 180-degree turn (literally, geographically-speaking), this may very well work. What do I think about when I think about this day? And, of course, I think about "this" day quite often, as there is absolutely no way I would be where I am right now if Matt hadn't died. I don't mean that in a good way or a bad way. It's just a fact. And, with any unexpected path one's life could take at any given moment, totally out of your control, whether good or bad, the way you lead yourself following such an event (namely, in this case, a tragic one), is totally in your control. I suppose I can say I have mastered that concept over the last six years.
I am at a point in my life where I respect and remember my battle with grief in that I appreciate what losing my husband has given me, but at the same time, I honor what it has also taken away from me. What does that MEAN?! Those two things are really one and the same. I lost my entire life as I knew it when I was 26 years old with two babies. My kids would probably still have their dad today if the events of July 20, 2011 did not take place as they had... but how do we really know that for sure? Basically, it's the classic "what happened happened and there's nothing you can do about it" but in less of a callous sense as that sounds. This is circling back to the fact that there are certain things completely out of our control, some major, some minor... but it's in our power to rebuild and overcome with whatever resources we have. Let me tell you, I had some major resources to work with following our tragedy.
First and foremost, my family and Matt's family and our collective mass of kind-hearted friends and acquaintances kept us all afloat immediately following Matt's death. Matt's co-workers and company as a whole was of tremendous support, as well. Secondly, I used religion (Christianity) as a means to get through such a nightmarish emotional event. It provided for me an immediate way to sort of find a "reason" as to why this happened... and it provided for me the comfort I needed regarding Matt himself during his passage from life into death. Maybe I'll do a post regarding my current views on organized religion. I have some strong ones... but today is not the day for that. Finally, I was and am actually pretty damn fortunate, financially speaking. Not to go into too much detail but I am sure many wonder how in the hell could survive without working for the last six years. Between insurance and social security survivor's benefits, I've been able to accommodate a good life for myself and our kids and take my time with my education. I was accepted into the radiation therapy program, which I begin this fall and which will consume my life for the next two years thereafter. Then I will finally get to start looking for a real career with a real paycheck and feel like less of a piece of poop living solely off of the graces of insurance and the government. 😳😳😳😳
I honor the past, celebrate the present, and anticipate the future. The past is set in stone, the present is a time to live in the moment and be thankful, the future is full of mysteries. I'm good with all of that. ✌