Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Okay, seriously, I am going to write.

I have some time between my chem exam (death sentence) and lab (bo-ring!) so here I am.  I meant to write on the one-year anniversary... it ended up being a very busy day; it didn't go at all how I originally planned.

As soon as I published my last post, the daycare called me to let me know Chloe was sick.  I was sooo disappointed!  I was going to spend the day with Matt S. and just do whatever we wanted but at that point I knew that I would need to be home with her.  Later on, however, I realized that maybe I SHOULD be spending that day with the kids so I refocused and made plans to keep both Noah and Chloe home and we would go to Meijer gardens that afternoon.  It turned out nice.

Today is Matt's birthday; he would be 29.  Odd to think he died when he was 27 although it was just 11 days before he turned 28.  It's also odd to think that I will see a number at my next birthday he never saw.  He was two years older than me so it's strange that I will pass him!

Anyway, I wish I felt like writing something deep and meaningful today but I just don't have it in me.  I am just so thankful for all the support I have received in the last year and I am astounded at the blessings that have come upon me lately.  I never would have imagined life turning out this way.  Well, that is a poor choice of words because you never know what is waiting around the corner.  But for now, I am enjoying my blessings. :)  And I am ready for whatever awaits!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

(almost) One year

This is what I have been thinking about when I have been thinking about approaching the one year mark:

(1) How incredibly supportive family, friends and strangers alike have been to me throughout this.
(2) I can't believe it has been a year since I've seen Matt's face.
(3) I can't believe how far I have come... mainly because of #1 but also by turning to God for guidance and surrendering to His will.

So here is how I think it will go.  I honestly don't dread it.  I can't 100% pull apart the significance of "one year" from when it was one day, one week or one month.  It's just longer.  It still sucks.  It's a sucky situation.  But it has been this way for a while now.  A whole year.  That is just crazy.

I frequently think of all the love I/we received following Matt's death.  It is something I will always remember; never forget.  Especially those who were there with me and there for me in North Carolina within seconds, minutes, hours and days.  I was so very far away from home (Michigan) at that time and yet I really felt like I was home.  My friends and co-workers for just being there that very day.  Hugging me, crying with me, and visiting me at home the days following.  April, who never left my side; driving me to the daycare to get the kids and then home for the first time when I knew Matt would never be there again.  You just hugged me while I cried and listened to me when I needed to sob through a memory that was sparked by some random item in the house.

The staff and parents at our daycare for completely taking care of me in every way you could possibly imagine!  They all but carted in loads of supplies for us like snacks, water, paper plates, toys and activities for the kids, diapers, wipes... it was amazing.  They even pooled together a fund to help me out financially in the immediate days and weeks following Matt's death.  The amount of support I received from them, most of whom I had never met, was... there's not even a word for it but I suppose absolutely incredible works.

Britt for taking the initiative to set up a college fund for Noah and Chloe.  You started it all and the results of your efforts are something for which I will always be grateful.

Those who texted me that night for just letting me know that I was being thought of and prayed for.  It meant the world to me.  This day and age of social networking and text messages was a blessing for someone who just lost her husband.  All the "cyber support" was uplifting and I'm pretty sure I was on Facebook probably 90% of my time the first week after Matt died.  I hope I don't have this mixed up but Lacey, I just remember pouring my heart out to you in text messages the night of July 20 and I didn't even know you!  Thank you for allowing me to do that.

My family; mom, dad, grandma, Mark, Tracy, Tom and Kristen... for showing up at my door the next day, despite the 1,000-mile journey.  One way or another, you made sure you were there for me and we helped each other through the arduous process that was to follow for the next few weeks.  And especially my father-in-law, Mark, who basically made me get business done and kept everything organized for me because I can guarantee that would not have happened without you!  I love you guys all so much.

There are so many people I could thank for so many things over the last year.  The ones I mentioned are just a handful and they demonstrate the support I received during those critical first few days after July 20.  The food, the Edible Arrangements, the gift baskets, the sympathy cards, the bible verses, the books, the supplies, the Mass cards, the hugs, the condolences, the songs, the prayers, the donations, the help... everything.  If I have learned anything in the past year, I have learned how good and generous people are.  But I have also learned much more... I intend to blog again tomorrow.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Who is it?

It's Matt's best friend and Noah's Godfather.  We've known each other for a long time and he's been a part of Noah and Chloe's lives ever since they were born.  No one could ever possibly know me and understand me better than he does.  It just fits... but more than "just fitting," I am seriously in love.

God allowed my heart to open up to the opportunity of falling in love again when He knew the time was right.  It took me by complete surprise and I tried to convince myself I was getting mixed up in the wrong kind of emotions.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't frustrating.  It frustrated the hell out of me.  That's how I knew that it was real.

I know that there is no better person in this world to fill the role of father to Noah and Chloe.  The fact that I know Matt would agree with me leaves me with a feeling of joy that I never thought I would feel again.

I feel as though it didn't take me long after Matt died to know that I did, one day, want to be in love again.  I wanted to be someone's everything.  I longed to utilize all I had learned about love from death and make someone's life amazing.  I guess I never realized before Matt that when you sign up to love someone, you sign up to see them to their death.  It actually happens (who knew?).  I have that very real perspective now (sometimes it's overkill but I can't help it).  Anyway, I didn't know when the time would be "right".  Well, God has definitely shown me that that time is now and I'm loving every minute of it.  I think it's the beginning of a beautiful life.

Suddenly that song for which I felt such disdain almost a year ago doesn't seem so bad anymore.

My prayers were filled with thanks 11 months ago and they are filled with thanks now.  Turn to God in devastation, turn to God in prosperity.  Always turn to God.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I have robbed my friends of the opportunity to play match maker.

I did it myself. :)  So to those who told me I WOULD find happiness again... you were right.  And he was there the whole time.

Maybe I will share more details later... but everything is wonderful right now.

I am finding that it is difficult to stay passionate about school in the summertime.  That seven-week anatomy course was an ass kicker.  I may re-take it at Grand Valley next fall even though I passed with a B.  It's not what I NEED though!  Organic chem/biochem is another ass kicker.  But I have another month yet to get my crap together and if I can get a B in this, I'll be happy.  I don't know about re-taking this one though.  I hate labs.

I still plan on applying to the nursing program this fall with the expectation that I won't get in so I am also going to look at Ferris' program, apply to that, and depending on how that goes, re-apply at GVSU next year.  Luckily, I have time.

And so just maybe, a teeny tiny bit, having a boyfriend is a slight distraction from school... especially for me... but I don't care because just knowing that these feelings are possible again is probably the greatest thing in the world.  It IS the greatest thing in the world.  It trumps school by a whole lot in my opinion.  But I am still managing to stay somewhat focused.

The kids are doing well.  Chloe is starting to talk a lot more.  Or trying to talk.  Noah is a very passionate almost-three-year-old.  He wants things done a certain way.  And he must know exactly what is going to happen with his day so he can mentally prepare ahead of time.

Life is one giant blessing.