Tuesday, March 27, 2012

It appears I have found my calling...

preparing garlic root slides. My lab professor was so impressed she gave me extra credit. ;) In addition, our group as a whole received extra credit for extracting the most DNA/RNA from strawberries. Good stuff.

All in all, things have been good. I get teary-eyed randomly here and there, which is a pretty normal part of my life nowadays. I'm sure it always will be. I still get a sense that Matt is with me at sporadic times throughout the day. It's crazy stuff. I'm going crazy. But as long as my craziness doesn't interfere with school then whatever. The kids already make me crazy so that's a separate department.

I'm trying to get everything sorted out for my schedule for summer, fall and winter. I can't believe this semester is already almost over. I will be taking a class or two at GRCC in order to be eligible to apply to nursing school next fall. I will either have to take anatomy or microbiology there and then whichever one I don't take there, I will be taking at GVSU. It's kind of a cluster because I'm currently enrolled for organic chem at GVSU with a really good professor... that also comes with a lab. But GRCC doesn't offer anatomy 2 at a time that works for me so I called my adviser to see if I can take anatomy 1 at CC and anatomy 2 at GV. If not, then I will be forced to drop the chem class with the awesome professor and take it at CC instead... and then take anatomy 1 and 2 and GV this summer and fall. Whatever, I'm rambling and this stuff is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I guess I don't have a ton going on right now. Just keeping busy with school and planning Chloe's birthday party which is on Saturday! I got a 94% on my chem exam last week and I'm waiting for my psych prof to post grades from the exam we had on Monday... fingers crossed!

Lastly, this song was on Matt's iPod and he said the lyrics always reminded him of me after his first car accident:

Scene begins as a telephone rings.
Chokes a gasp at the awful news it brings.
A phone call she's been avoiding.
She knows he's reached the end.

Hooked up to the respirator.
It breaths life into my callused lungs.
My heart beats getting fainter.
I know my time has come.

It's getting colder
been trying to show her
that I'm not the one
to be there beside her now
I'm crossing over
can no one console her
alone she'll remain
with no way to end this pain.

Now I realize the things that I
(All of the things that I wanted in this world)
the things I have done to you
(What have I done to you)
why you gave your love with all your heart.
(Hands went way to fast)
With all that a heart could give.

Intentions that you'll never know
the reason why I have to lead astray
I gave you a life time of pain and remorse
(Mistakes that were never yours)
the wrong in my life can never be right.
(It flashes before my eyes)

(How did he come to this,
His mind is working harder than ever before.
Thousands of thoughts in seconds.
His last thoughts were of her,
and how he and he alone had destroyed the once
vibrant spirit he had coveted so deeply.
The last pain he had ever caused is to the only
woman that had ever loved him...)

Bright light is calling me upward.
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now you're all alone.
(All alone)
And I leave you with nobody by your side.
(A ghost for now)
Not to hurt you ever again
(All alone)
Never break your spirit for me.
(A ghost for now)
Now I'm all alone.
(All alone)
Still I cherish the things that you have given to me.
(A ghost for now)
Bright light is calling me upward
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)

A Thorn For Every Heart - Things Aren't So Beautiful Now

Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's so easy to fall victim to jealousy.

Sooo so easy. Several people in support group last night vocalized their disdain for happy couples and happy families. Sure, I went through a period of that very soon after I lost Matt. But I think it's very important to remember that no one knows what is coming tomorrow. That person that I could be bitterly jealous of today... could lose it all tomorrow. You just don't know. So there is no purpose in being "jealous" or "hating all happy people". Matt and I had our happy memories and those are what I turn to for comfort and peace through all this. I would wish nothing less than the same for others.

In fact, I'm to the point now where I take joy in others' joy because it is important to make the most of this life. I have learned just how truly precious it is. I want to see other people and other families flourish and make thousands of good memories because we never got that chance. And it could all end tomorrow. Make the most of what you have while you have it.

I'm not saying that I'm NEVER a little jealous sometimes and yes, of course I get sad when I see pictures of whole families just because I miss Matt so much and I always will... I'm not perfect by any means... but those feelings pass quickly. It's not profound envy, it's more of just a type of thing where I would say out loud, "I'm so jealous of you!" But I understand that everything happens for a reason. And losing the love of your life is inevitable. For me, it just happened a lot sooner than I thought it would. I would never wish this on anyone else. Especially Matt.

You know... you oftentimes think about taking a bullet for the one you love but actually, that's debatable as to whether or not you'd really be doing them a favor. At least I think so.

Anyway, after a handful of group members agreed that seeing pictures of their friends' family vacations, etc. was nothing short of torture, I voiced my contradicting perspective that they could lose it all tomorrow just like we did so it's important to remember that.

And one more thing I have been thinking about lately, too. Over Independence Day weekend last year, approximately two weeks before Matt died, we met some friends in New Bern to spend the day. We'll call them A & J (I don't know if they care I mention their names but just in case). Matt and J were going to walk down to the store to grab some drinks while me and A stayed with the kids. A kissed J before he left and Matt kind of teased me about not doing the same (he's very high maintenance, no totally kidding). Anyway, I mentioned this to A the following week and she said to me something along the lines of, "Well, you just never know when it might be the last time," and I completely agreed - good point.

Isn't it just funny that that occurred only two weeks before I lost him forever?

I have learned that lesson.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I found Matt's iPod

Music was a big part of his life and therefore it is now something in which I find much comfort. Especially when it involves his own iPod with his own playlists that he created on it. I listened to it on the way to school this morning and it made me happy.

I oftentimes think of everything that had to go wrong in order for Matt to die. Like... if only we never moved to North Carolina in the first place. Or... what if Matt was offered the job for which he had several interviews during the time that he had been laid off in the summer of 2010. Why didn't he listen to me when I told him to stay home that day? Why did I choose THAT day to even suggest the idea of taking a day off? It just makes things that much worse.
If only you had listened to me...

But that's only me knowing now what I never would have known then. What I never knew. What he never knew. I don't know. I can't wrap my mind around it and I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my mind around it.

I happened to walk towards a guy who was standing with his back towards me after class yesterday when I was on my way back to my car. He looked like Matt. Short, black hair, a red dress shirt tucked into black pants. In the time that I noticed him to the time that I passed him, I just imagined... wouldn't that be something. I was lost in my own little daydream for a minute. Those are the best.

Then I just thought about how one day that will happen for real. Forealz. I wonder what it will be like... that scene in Cruel Intentions as previously mentioned? I wonder if I will know that I'm dead when I die. I wonder if people know this. Or if it takes them a while to figure it out.

Well, I need to study a little bio until I go meet my awesome accountant for a tax party. And I got a 60/60 on my psychology research summary. If I do the math right, that's 100%! And I even got a "Perfect!" written on it. That is the stuff of life right there.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Things (super creative title)

I'm judging the quality of my life right now by my grades. I have a 96 in chemistry and a 92 in biology. I'm certain my psych grade is somewhere in there although that class has two papers, participation and a handful of exams. So we'll see how that pans out. So I guess right now life is pretty good because of that.

I see all these things on Pinterest like "How a sip of soda affects your health" with a diagram of how awful it is for you and it makes me laugh because I'm like, "OH really?! Bring on the soda, baby!" Good thing I love soda.

The rings. I'm thinking more about my rings. Still nowhere near ready to remove them. In fact, if I ever do decide to remove ONE, it will be just that. I think I'll keep my wedding band on forever. I could probably accept removing the big rock eventually. The wedding band has a deeper meaning though.

We decided that Noah is exhibiting a form of grief in a certain behavior. That would be him specifically wanting ME to do certain things. Either that or it's a normal 2-3 year old phase. But a lot of things are, "HERE, MOMMA!" Or "MOMMA DO IT!" Like, if he is all finished eating or drinking. I must be the one to take his cup/plate/etc. No one else. He freaks out otherwise. A pretty simple thing tied to a deeper interpretation that possibly this is because I'm the only parent he has left. Who knows.

I became teary-eyed in the car yesterday thinking about Matt not being there for Chloe's first birthday. I also find that I frequently fantasize about a reunion. It's probably the most lovely thought that ever crosses my mind. Then I remind myself that although it seems impossible right now, we will be reunited again one day. I can't wait. I can but I can't. Until then I'll just keep fantasizing.

I recall laughing in my sleep last night because I was having a dream about Matt doing something funny but I can't remember what it was.

Ahh, and I started a running plan because Kristen and I are going to run a half marathon together this fall. I figured, ehh why not? Life is obviously super short. I want to do cool stuff while I'm here.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Time doesn't heal

Not so far. Not like I thought it would. In fact, it's getting harder. I don't know what it is...

I read somewhere that the second year of grief is often more difficult than the first. I'm starting to see that coming to fruition at the moment.

I'm just reminding myself to feel what I feel whatever that may be and keep moving forward. That's all I can do.

However, this new low point of mine has caused me to force myself to think of the things that made us laugh around the time of the funeral. Because even in such dark times, laughter still happens. And that's a wonderful thing.

Like cramming two car seats and five adults into one vehicle. Tom & Kristen having to haul themselves through the hatchback to get to their seats. Contorting myself into awkward positions in order to nurse Chloe en route. Getting all dressed up for the visitation and funeral did not excuse me from having to breastfeed. So having to all but undress myself to accomplish such a thing was something new and different... and hilarious. You know the saying "scared shitless"? That's a very true statement. I never knew that before Matt died. Planning the funeral in such a way that totally made us reminisce about Matt's GQ-esque, nothing-but-the-best, attention-loving personality. Like front row seating at the cemetery. And of course the two caskets that I immediately narrowed it down to happened to be of the more expensive variety. But that was Matt and that's what made the process bearable. Those little things.

I oftentimes imagine him showing up. It stops me in my tracks, literally. I have to take a moment to indulge my mind in this absurd fantasy of him coming back. Play it out for a minute... and then carry on. I stop in the middle of studying. I stop in the middle of walking up the stairs. I stop whatever I'm doing and just daydream.

Then there are certain topics that might come up during class that completely distract me. For example, in chemistry - my professor started talking about the gas in airbags. Then all I could think about was the airbag in Matt's Jeep. And the image of it from the photos of the car was all I could think about. Haunting. Completely normal topics of conversation can throw me off for a few minutes because even though I try so hard to not tie EVERYTHING back to July 20... sometimes it's unavoidable.

I've been planning Chloe's birthday party which is serving as a reality check. In my mind, she is still 3-1/2 months old; how old she was when Matt died. Where did the last eight months go? I was never crazy about recording specific dates of significant milestones with Noah but with Chloe, I've neglected doing so even more. I have no clue when she rolled over for the first time. Or when she made her first "dada" sound. I stopped taking monthly pictures of her right then. So I have her at one month, two months and three months. Then life stopped. I barely even remember significant details about her birth. What time was she born? I think it was 10:08... ? Something like that.

So here I am. Almost eight months later. It has been quite a blur. The funeral still feels like it was last week. I keep trying to remember things about Matt. The way he signed his name. How he felt in my arms. Playing Kinect and XBox (which I haven't touched since I packed it up). Running around the backyard with Noah. Swiffering the kitchen floor. The way he tied his tie. Painting the living room and kitchen (which, by the way, he left a hell of a job undone).

I was in the middle of re-doing Noah's bedroom to turn it into more of a toddler-friendly room. I spent hours painting that damn thing only to have to abandon ship and paint it all over with a neutral color before moving.

Speaking of which, I do still own our house in North Carolina and the more I think about it, the less I really care about selling it. If I have it forever... great! It's sentimental. I don't know what I'm going to do but right now, the thought of selling makes me kind of sad. Lucky for me, the market sucks.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Angel standing by

This is a song that I would dedicate to my loved ones if I were dead. Especially my children. I heard this yesterday. Oldie but goodie. Matt is my angel standing by.

All through the night I'll be watching over you
And all through the night I'll be standing over you
And through bad dreams I'll be right there baby
holding your hand, telling you everything's going to be alright
When you cry I'll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So don't you worry
I'm your angel standing by

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A breather.

I think this is a record length of time I've gone without blogging since Matt's death. Let me think... school is keeping me insanely busy. Add two kids at home and voila. Barely time to eat and pee, let alone study!

But spring break is next week, I just took a bio exam this morning and I'm pretty much just ready to lay low for a change... at least for a few hours. I got four hours of sleep last night so a nap is on my list of things to do. As well as catch up on Parenthood because I missed the season finale since I fell asleep too early. And blog.

I'm sad... very very sad. People oftentimes say they've been through hell and back. Well, I've been through hell and... I'm still there! I wonder when I will be able to add the "and back" part. Probably never. This morning during my commute I wondered when someone will decide to pass on a solid line and I'll be on the other side. Or if I spotted a tornado and stopped my car... how long would I have to sit there and think about the pros and cons of getting out to take cover... or just staying in my car.

I think I received a sign today though. I listen to Pandora in my car and sometimes I lose a signal but I don't really realize the music has stopped until some time later (like when it starts again and I think 'Oh, I guess it stopped'). So that happened today and I still have my station on heavenly lullabies just because it's a nice station that I use for Chloe and I like it, too. Anyway, the Rock-A-Bye Baby Version of "Angel" came on (Aerosmith) as soon as I pulled in the driveway so I just sat in my car and listened to it. That was one of "our" songs.

I found a scholarship opportunity for "nontraditional" students that requires an essay. Normally, I would cringe at the though of writing an essay for a scholarship but this time, I am really looking forward to it. Now I have a story to tell.

I shadowed in the emergency department at a hospital last weekend. That was cool. I saw someone die. I saw the biggest, deepest cuts I have ever seen. And maybe that was written in the wrong sequence because in no way am I saying it's cool to watch someone die. That was just... different... but seeing the look on the family member's face was the worst part of it all. So I learned that the blood and the death and the vomit is not going to be the hardest part of working in trauma at all. It's going to be the emotional aspect of it.

What else... I'm quite tired so I can barely think. It's March 1st which means Chloe is turning ONE THIS MONTH! (March 31) Speaking of which, I need to do some things for her party while I have time and before I forget.

Next week is spring break so I'm hoping to have plenty of time to blog significant thoughts as they come as opposed to having to wait days upon days until I get time.

"In all circumstances give thanks." 1 Thessalonians 5:18