Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's so easy to fall victim to jealousy.

Sooo so easy. Several people in support group last night vocalized their disdain for happy couples and happy families. Sure, I went through a period of that very soon after I lost Matt. But I think it's very important to remember that no one knows what is coming tomorrow. That person that I could be bitterly jealous of today... could lose it all tomorrow. You just don't know. So there is no purpose in being "jealous" or "hating all happy people". Matt and I had our happy memories and those are what I turn to for comfort and peace through all this. I would wish nothing less than the same for others.

In fact, I'm to the point now where I take joy in others' joy because it is important to make the most of this life. I have learned just how truly precious it is. I want to see other people and other families flourish and make thousands of good memories because we never got that chance. And it could all end tomorrow. Make the most of what you have while you have it.

I'm not saying that I'm NEVER a little jealous sometimes and yes, of course I get sad when I see pictures of whole families just because I miss Matt so much and I always will... I'm not perfect by any means... but those feelings pass quickly. It's not profound envy, it's more of just a type of thing where I would say out loud, "I'm so jealous of you!" But I understand that everything happens for a reason. And losing the love of your life is inevitable. For me, it just happened a lot sooner than I thought it would. I would never wish this on anyone else. Especially Matt.

You know... you oftentimes think about taking a bullet for the one you love but actually, that's debatable as to whether or not you'd really be doing them a favor. At least I think so.

Anyway, after a handful of group members agreed that seeing pictures of their friends' family vacations, etc. was nothing short of torture, I voiced my contradicting perspective that they could lose it all tomorrow just like we did so it's important to remember that.

And one more thing I have been thinking about lately, too. Over Independence Day weekend last year, approximately two weeks before Matt died, we met some friends in New Bern to spend the day. We'll call them A & J (I don't know if they care I mention their names but just in case). Matt and J were going to walk down to the store to grab some drinks while me and A stayed with the kids. A kissed J before he left and Matt kind of teased me about not doing the same (he's very high maintenance, no totally kidding). Anyway, I mentioned this to A the following week and she said to me something along the lines of, "Well, you just never know when it might be the last time," and I completely agreed - good point.

Isn't it just funny that that occurred only two weeks before I lost him forever?

I have learned that lesson.

1 comment:

  1. I think it is completely understandable for you to feel the way you do. While you may feel jealous, it is important to remember that this situation could happen to anyone at anytime.
    i think that its great that you take joy in others because it really is a precious time and even though you don't have Matt anymore, you still have those amazing gorgeous children.
    As for the story about new bern, i remember that day like it was yesterday. and it absolutely breaks heart that we wont have weekends like that anymore. but you know what, it those times that i keep close in my heart.
    you are always on my mind and always in my prayers.