Thursday, May 24, 2012

God moments galore

Things don't just happen.  I have gained an affinity for these "God moments", it seems.  I have become very in tune with the subtleties of everyday happenings and I have noticed that these things are more than just everyday happenings.  Some I feel are from Matt, some from God.  My detection of these signs has given me a beautiful new perspective on my life path.  I take them to mean that I am on my way; that I am taking the right course.  I really feel that is true.

I went to the jewelry store to have my rings cleaned today.  I did it for a reason; because I have every intention of removing my engagement ring... today.  I had been thinking about it for a while now.  I always wondered when I would feel ready.  Well, I feel ready for one of them.  I'm moving slowly.  I can't take my wedding band off today.  I am still unsure about how to approach that one.

I have spent time thinking about this all week.  It is no small deal.  Then, on Tuesday, the guy in my lab group said something about practicing the skeletal system using my husband as a model.  Let me just step aside for a moment and express how tired I am of telling people that my husband is dead.  It's not because I am tired of saying the words, it's because I'm tired of the reactions.  In fact, another recruiter called last week or a couple weeks ago looking for Matt and I still haven't called her back because I just don't want to.  I don't think I'm going to.  Anyway, I said, "Ehhh... I'm not married."  He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were wearing a ring..." and I said, "Yeah.... I am... but... I'm a widow."  Blech.  Of course, he felt terrible and I'm to the point now where I just say, "It's okay, it's okay... really."  That happened the week I intended to take off my engagement ring?  Yes, it did.

I walk into the jewelry store and a woman comes out from the back of the store to help me.  She is wearing the same dress I wore to Matt's funeral.  Need I say more?

I stood there... thinking about how this is the last time I will ever have my engagement ring cleaned.  It used to be one of the highlights of my life, getting that thing cleaned.  It sparkles and twinkles so pretty.  But today... I am simply facing reality.

Or at least 50% of reality. =)

(This is all assuming I can find the keys to my safe because I put them in my purse which is like a black hole and I am not removing my engagement ring to put anywhere but in the safe.)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

You know what?

Things are looking up.

And I also had an epiphany the other day when I realized that Chloe might not exist if I hadn't failed at breastfeeding Noah.  Hmmm.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It's funny.

I went all semester long last semester without revealing my state of widowhood in my biology lab and psychology class.  And in biology lecture, it was only to my professor during his office hours.

I had no choice but to reveal that fact on the FIRST day of both anatomy/physiology and chemistry.  I was asked, in both instances, what made me decide to change my career path.  After giving the answer, I have realized that I don't really have a good way of answering that makes me feel like I'm truly satisfying the question.  It's more than just, "Well... my husband was killed in a car accident last summer..."  That's obviously the bottom line but what about that?  So that's what I decided to ponder during my run this morning.  I found the true answer:

Not only do I want to use my experience to bring comfort to other families who are in or very near to a situation in which I was, too (in losing Matt) but I have this drive within me to use my knowledge of what Matt went through after his first car accident to bring HOPE to others who are in the same or a similar situation as he was.  It's dual purpose. I know how much Matt wanted to reach out and bring hope to others who had suffered a traumatic brain injury.  I want to carry on that legacy.

That's a satisfying answer and I will now be better-prepared to respond to, "What made you decide to change your career path?" in a way that truly speaks to the reason why.  Maybe I need to start rehearsing.  Hah!  Just kidding.

I went to the cemetery after my run.  I had been wanting to go so badly after that dream I had (see previous post).  I felt I owed Matt a visit after that.  I went to the flower shop and picked up a heart-shaped stone that was engraved with a phrase.  It was exactly how I felt in my dream.

are not forever.  
Goodbyes are not the end.  
They simply mean 
I'll miss you, 
until we meet again.

I saw that the little seed Noah planted at Gilda's Club had sprouted!  I thought that was so special.  Chloe's isn't doing as well but maybe it will pull through.  I also brought three red roses.  I was feeling very nostalgic today.  I picked three red roses because the first flowers Matt had ever gotten for me in high school were three red roses.  It was for Valentine's Day.  I went to his house one day and they were there on the counter in the kitchen.  He told me there were three red roses, one for each of the words in "I love you".

"The memory of the just will be blessed..." Proverbs 10:7

Monday, May 7, 2012


First, a memory came to me on Saturday night while I was driving Chloe to sleep.  Yes, driving her to sleep.  Weaning sucks.  I remember when I got fired from the first job I had in North Carolina.  I was mortified at the time, of course.  I made a simple mistake and I was fired for it.  I accidentally failed to separate a piece of mail that went to the opposing party in a case when it shouldn't have.  In biological terms, that would be called a nondisjunction, when speaking of chromosomal mutations.  I ended up writing a letter of apology to the attorney and everything.

Besides all that useless information, I'll get to my point.  Worse than the actual state of being fired was the fact that I was going to have to go home and tell my  husband.  I thought for sure he was going to kill me.  I came home in tears and he was already there (I loved it when I came home to him, although not this particular day).  He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't yet get it out through my sobs.  He was nothing but compassionate and concerned and when I finally told him... it was more of a, "That's it?" kind of response.  Evidently, I acted dramatic enough for him to think I was in an accident or something.  He hugged me, said it was okay and everything would be fine.

That's pretty much it.  I was just remembering how sweet and supportive he was after I got fired for the first time ever (and hopefully the last, especially considering the field I'm about to enter in a couple years).  When we were alone in North Carolina starting our new life together... he was my main man.  Not just my husband but my best friend, my everything.  It was great.

While pondering this lovely memory, I decided to drive to McDonald's for a flurry.  Who knew that McDonald's didn't even carry chocolate ice cream?  Apparently I'm an idiot.  So my chocolate M&M flurry turned into a regular M&M flurry but that's okay I suppose.  I guess there are worse things in life, heh.

I found the time to write this blog today because my anatomy professor has not yet posted the outlines for chapters beyond what we have covered so far.  There's nothing worse than having time to get ahead and not being able to do it.  I'm too Type A to go through the next chapters without the outline.  It must be done a certain way.  I start organic chemistry tomorrow, which will kick off the next six weeks of insanity.  My Tuesdays and Thursdays will be completely filled 9:00am-8:00pm.  I'm not looking forward to it but at least it's only for the next six weeks.

Back to this dream I had last night.  It was a dream within a dream.  I believe Inception would call that going to the second level?  Anyway, that's what I did.  Usually, Matt will come to me in my dreams but this time, I went to him.  I was approaching the moon... and as I got closer, the moon turned into a bright light.  I knew then where I was going.  I wondered how I could be dead because I didn't feel like I was dead.  I felt completely normal except for the fact that I was flying toward the moon.  But it was a great feeling.  So as soon as I went into the light I just felt so warm and peaceful... happy.  I found myself in a bright, warm, wide open area above the clouds.  I could see various people here and there.  Floating around, socializing, doing this and that.  I was flying and then Matt appeared right in front of me.  He was so happy, so at ease. And the part that bothers me about this dream is that there was some very important dialogue and I can't remember it to save my own life (if that were literal, that would be okay).  I remember he had a smile on his face, we talked, we kissed, and then there came a point where I just knew I had to go.  I didn't want to go but something was making me go.  Matt remained happy and we knew we'd see each other again.  I remember being pulled away and then I woke up with a jolt!  Now we are back to the first level.  I'm still dreaming.  I woke up in my dream and flew out of bed because it was after 10:00 and my psychology exam was at 9:00.  I had to find someone to watch the kids but even by the time I got to campus, only having two hours to complete the exam, I would never make it.  I was trying to figure this out and then I realized that my exam was on Tuesday and it was only Monday.  And then I finally woke up for real... into my real life.  It was only 8:09am.

That dream within my dream was incredible and it's dreams like those that make think, "I can't wait until I die."  And I can't.  It's going to be amazing.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Academics + Family + Friends + Running = Happiness

I decided today (while running) that I can just be happy.  Why?  Well, gaining knowledge makes me happy.  So even when I'm finished with my BSN, I'll probably continue taking a class here and there and just start a collection of degrees.  My friends and family make me happy and they're really all I need.  I can raise my kids as a happy little family of three and that's fine.  Running makes me happy.  Running makes me feel good about life and think happy thoughts like the ones I'm writing now.  A woman passed me on the trail this morning.  She was older (not OLD old... just older than me), in EXCELLENT physical condition and told me about how she just ran the Boston marathon in 89 degrees.  Then I thought... I want to BE her.  Yes.  Can't I just marry marathons?  I can be married to marathons, school, nursing and mothering.  I think that's enough.  And I will be happy and content just that way.

As long as I entertain often and have company over every single night or visit someone else every single night.  Because I'm finally getting a preview of what life will be like when I'm really on my own again and it's LONELY!  I never even realized how lonely it would be.  I have no one (i.e. my husband) to talk to.  It's weird.  I'm not used to this.  Of course, once the kids age that will change a bit.  But that probably won't be for another 10 years at least, lol.  But besides that, it's okay I guess.

It's hard to believe it has been almost a year.  A year ago I was on maternity leave.  Matt took Noah to daycare every morning and picked him up every morning while I stayed home and bonded with little Chlo-Chlo.  I would take pictures of her on my phone and send them to Matt throughout the day.

My, how life has changed.  It only took three individual therapy sessions with my counselor before he decided that I was doing well enough to push my next appointment two weeks out instead of one.

How weird is it right now that this song is playing - one of those moments...

Have you ever felt so strong
That it made you feel weak
Long days
Long nights
And you just can't sleep

Have you ever been so sure
That it gave you cold feet
That felt all bare
You can feel your heart beat

Well I never knew this feeling never
Now I hope it stays and last forever
I am riding high
I don't want to come down
Hope my wings don't fail me now
And If I can touch the sky
I'd risk to fall just to know how it feels to fly

Alicia Keys - How It Feels to Fly

I think I can say that life is okay right now.  I'm looking out the window watching a little girl swing around her dad's legs while he talks on his cell phone... which is totally something I could picture Chloe doing with Matt one non-existent day.  I don't feel sad when I see things like that anymore.  It actually makes me feel good.  And maybe that's not even her dad.  Maybe her dad died and that's her uncle or something.  I mean, everyone who takes one look at my left ring finger thinks I'm married.  You just never know...  The unthinkable happens.

"be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."