I decided today (while running) that I can just be happy. Why? Well, gaining knowledge makes me happy. So even when I'm finished with my BSN, I'll probably continue taking a class here and there and just start a collection of degrees. My friends and family make me happy and they're really all I need. I can raise my kids as a happy little family of three and that's fine. Running makes me happy. Running makes me feel good about life and think happy thoughts like the ones I'm writing now. A woman passed me on the trail this morning. She was older (not OLD old... just older than me), in EXCELLENT physical condition and told me about how she just ran the Boston marathon in 89 degrees. Then I thought... I want to BE her. Yes. Can't I just marry marathons? I can be married to marathons, school, nursing and mothering. I think that's enough. And I will be happy and content just that way.
As long as I entertain often and have company over every single night or visit someone else every single night. Because I'm finally getting a preview of what life will be like when I'm really on my own again and it's LONELY! I never even realized how lonely it would be. I have no one (i.e. my husband) to talk to. It's weird. I'm not used to this. Of course, once the kids age that will change a bit. But that probably won't be for another 10 years at least, lol. But besides that, it's okay I guess.
It's hard to believe it has been almost a year. A year ago I was on maternity leave. Matt took Noah to daycare every morning and picked him up every morning while I stayed home and bonded with little Chlo-Chlo. I would take pictures of her on my phone and send them to Matt throughout the day.
My, how life has changed. It only took three individual therapy sessions with my counselor before he decided that I was doing well enough to push my next appointment two weeks out instead of one.
How weird is it right now that this song is playing - one of those moments...
Have you ever felt so strong
That it made you feel weak
And you just can't sleep
Have you ever been so sure
That it gave you cold feet
That felt all bare
You can feel your heart beat
Well I never knew this feeling never
Now I hope it stays and last forever
I am riding high
I don't want to come down
Hope my wings don't fail me now
And If I can touch the sky
I'd risk to fall just to know how it feels to fly
Alicia Keys - How It Feels to Fly
I think I can say that life is okay right now. I'm looking out the window watching a little girl swing around her dad's legs while he talks on his cell phone... which is totally something I could picture Chloe doing with Matt one non-existent day. I don't feel sad when I see things like that anymore. It actually makes me feel good. And maybe that's not even her dad. Maybe her dad died and that's her uncle or something. I mean, everyone who takes one look at my left ring finger thinks I'm married. You just never know... The unthinkable happens.