Thursday, May 24, 2012

God moments galore

Things don't just happen.  I have gained an affinity for these "God moments", it seems.  I have become very in tune with the subtleties of everyday happenings and I have noticed that these things are more than just everyday happenings.  Some I feel are from Matt, some from God.  My detection of these signs has given me a beautiful new perspective on my life path.  I take them to mean that I am on my way; that I am taking the right course.  I really feel that is true.

I went to the jewelry store to have my rings cleaned today.  I did it for a reason; because I have every intention of removing my engagement ring... today.  I had been thinking about it for a while now.  I always wondered when I would feel ready.  Well, I feel ready for one of them.  I'm moving slowly.  I can't take my wedding band off today.  I am still unsure about how to approach that one.

I have spent time thinking about this all week.  It is no small deal.  Then, on Tuesday, the guy in my lab group said something about practicing the skeletal system using my husband as a model.  Let me just step aside for a moment and express how tired I am of telling people that my husband is dead.  It's not because I am tired of saying the words, it's because I'm tired of the reactions.  In fact, another recruiter called last week or a couple weeks ago looking for Matt and I still haven't called her back because I just don't want to.  I don't think I'm going to.  Anyway, I said, "Ehhh... I'm not married."  He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were wearing a ring..." and I said, "Yeah.... I am... but... I'm a widow."  Blech.  Of course, he felt terrible and I'm to the point now where I just say, "It's okay, it's okay... really."  That happened the week I intended to take off my engagement ring?  Yes, it did.

I walk into the jewelry store and a woman comes out from the back of the store to help me.  She is wearing the same dress I wore to Matt's funeral.  Need I say more?

I stood there... thinking about how this is the last time I will ever have my engagement ring cleaned.  It used to be one of the highlights of my life, getting that thing cleaned.  It sparkles and twinkles so pretty.  But today... I am simply facing reality.

Or at least 50% of reality. =)

(This is all assuming I can find the keys to my safe because I put them in my purse which is like a black hole and I am not removing my engagement ring to put anywhere but in the safe.)

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