Thursday, April 11, 2013

It's safe to say I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I've been in off-and-on crisis mode for a few months now.  I'm not sure if nursing school is for me right NOW.  I think that completing my rigorous two-week CNA certification course next month will help give me a better idea.  I struggle to perform up to my standards with everything else I have going on right now but everything else I have going on isn't something I'm willing to give up so the question remains... can I handle a nursing school curriculum on top of it all?

The bottom line is, I'm in no rush.  I have also checked out Allied Health and Therapeutic Recreation, both of which would require significantly more time in school but if I'm going to start working... at some point (as a CNA or PCT)... I will be satisfied with that.  Nursing is not completely out of the question though.  I'm just trying to think about all my options here.  Not stressful at all!

 I never re-hashed my Grand Canyon hiking experience on here.  It was amazing!  My boyfriend was the perfect person with whom to share such an experience, too.  After all, it was for his 30th birthday but I love that he is adventurous and outdoorsy.  I can't exactly describe myself as "outdoorsy" but adventurous certainly fits my personality.  I also adapt to change well and obviously that characteristic has served me serendipitously (Google says it's a word) in the last 21 months.

Did I ever share our love story?  I probably didn't.  I was so hesitant about "voicing" what seemed to be a "crush" only 10 months after losing my husband; let alone, allow myself to nurture those feelings in the first place.  Here we are, almost one year later.  I was sure to keep my eyes and mind open to "signs", if you will, that my heart was in the right place.  As it turns out, it was.  I knew how fragile this relationship was; to take a very important friend in your life and cross over to a romance... danger danger!  Once that line is crossed, there is no going back.  I was especially scared not only for my sake, but for Noah and Chloe's sake for Matthew was and is an incredibly important father figure in their lives.  I can be a very impulsive person so to let these emotions simply swim around in my head for a WEEK was torture.  What if he started dating someone?  What if he WAS dating someone and I was clueless (he was very private about that kind of thing)?  Actually, I remember telling my therapist that had I known he was in a relationship (IF he was in a relationship), it would have made things a whole lot easier on me because I was having my own complex about it not even having a been a year since my husband died.  An easy reason to walk away?  Yes, please! Not to mention the delicacy of our friendship, as mentioned earlier.

I have to continue this story at another time... unfortunately, I have things to do today.  Like, an eight-mile run if it ever stops raining.  I was lucky to get four miles in yesterday in between rain showers.  I am running my second half marathon on Saturday!  I also need to get down to the tax office (where Matt works) to sign my documents and bring him lunch. :)  This story WILL be finished... eventually.