Monday, February 20, 2012

Seven months

Noah said, "Where did Daddy go?"

A chill went down my spine and I thought, "Okay, here we go. The moment has arrived." I turned to him and his attention span was going every which way; I said, "Daddy died." I was actually quite excited and surprised he initiated such a conversation. Then I realized he actually said, "Where did doggy go?" He was probably thinking, "Where in the world did this come from? I want to know where the doggy went." Fail. Maybe next time.

I had such an awesome dream with Matt the other night. Three things were addressed:

(1) Matt told me I can be with whoever I want - I'm smart enough to make the decision on my own, I don't need his approval - I'm a good judge of character and I can figure it out for myself.

(2) I said, "When I die... will we be together again?" He said yes.

(3) I expressed my concern over the fact that I will likely be old and wrinkly when that time comes and I was afraid he wouldn't recognize me. He said that it doesn't matter because all the characteristics of my soul will be the same. Whatever that means - I still hope that everyone is in their prime in heaven.

In this dream, I was at the cemetery and he showed up. We just spent time together sitting in front of our headstone. It was the best few minutes of my life these days. It was sunny but it still must have been kind of cool because Matt was wearing a coat. We kissed, I asked him these three questions and that was it. I knew that our time together in this dream was limited.

It has been seven months today. To be honest, today doesn't really feel any different from yesterday. What can I say? I just think about him constantly. I think about the accident constantly. I'm to the point where I wonder if or when I am going to get into a car accident. I think about it all the time while I'm driving. I've developed this slight paranoia over the last seven months. I don't know if paranoia is the right word... I'm not afraid to get into a car by any means - I just wonder.

I've also developed paranoia over dying. I am not afraid of death but I can't leave our kids. I think... if Matt only lasted this long after having kids, how long will I last? Because he died so soon, will I, too? Now I'm the only parent left for them.

That's pretty much it. I miss him like crazy and I'm just doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I'm thankful for all of the support I've received over the course of the last seven months. If it weren't for everyone's love and prayers and support, I couldn't do this. So thank you.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I still think...

"I can't believe my husband's gone."

It's so surreal. I'm so sad. All the time. You would never know it though. Sometimes I pretend that someone I notice walking by me out of the corner of my eye is him. Sometimes I imagine him walking up behind me, putting his arm around me and saying, "Hey! How's it going?" I look around me and I'm still kind of in shock that I'm here. It's weird that I'm back here without Matt.

I didn't think much of Valentine's Day but I still wanted to do something. I bought two charms for my bracelet. I wanted something that would symbolize our love, for one. And I remember flipping through the catalog after Christmas and sa
w a charm that was a hand making the symbol of love - that's something I distinctly remember Matt doing in high school. It was perfect. I also got a cross charm. I think for every holiday or "holiday" (Valentine's Day is a "holiday") where there would have been some sort of gift exchange between the two of us, I am going to buy a new charm for my bracelet. Next up - my birthday (also a "holiday"). I feel as though that one is going to be a toughie.

After I bought my charms, I went to the cemetery, read the Bible and had a completely one-sided conversation with Matt. I wonder if he does the same for me, lol.

Sometimes I actually miss those early days of grief. It was so intense but it was so real and so close to the days he was here. Those days ... were special.

I have a psychology exam tomorrow and I don't feel as prepared as I should be. So I guess I better get on that...

Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm not sure what possessed me.

I all but blurted out the fact that I was a widow in chemistry on Wednesday. It happened like this: we were just taking a little break (two hour class) and I sit in front. Somehow, the conversation between the instructor and another student led to the fact that they both had ex-fiances and they needed to share stories. Then I was sitting there, listening, and said, "I got you both beat. I'm a widow." Yup. It was the perfect opportunity. Many were shocked and felt sorry for me. My professor asked some questions and she had already known that I have two young kids so she was just amazed. She had to collect herself for a minute before continuing class and said now chemistry doesn't seem so important, lol. But it was good. I'm glad I had the opportunity to share. I had been feeling kind of angry and bitter all week leading up to that. Then I had support group right after class....

Several of the people there shared how they spent time with their kids and they were able to talk to each other about their feelings of sadness. That was heartwarming to me because I don't have that "luxury". My kids barely have a clue and say Noah knows what's going on... it's not like we can bond over our feelings about it. It is pretty depressing that it was our little family of four that has turned into a family of three and I'm the only one who has a concept of it. I know what my kids are missing. They don't.

Last night, as I was putting Noah to bed I said, "Do you remember when Daddy played XBox?" He replied, "Uhuh". Then I said, "Remember when Daddy mowed the lawn?" "Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy cooked on the grill and you helped him?"


I stopped and layed there with him for a few seconds and he said, "More."

So I kept trying to think of other things.

"Remember when Daddy blew big bubbles in the backyard?"


"Remember when Daddy would get all dressed up for work in his suit and tie?"


"Remember Daddy's sunglasses? He would let you wear them?"


"Remember when Daddy would play his guitar?"

"Mhmm.... more."

It was really quite sweet. I went on until I fell asleep with him.

I took both kids to the cemetery with me last weekend. The weather was nice. I took Noah out of the car first and said, "Go see Daddy!" He walked over to the headstone and placed his hand on our picture that's etched on the front. Then he ran off to go kiss statues. He ran up to one and said, "angel!" Then he pointed to the wings and said, "Butterfly!"

It's amazing I haven't yet missed an exit on the expressway. Driving puts me in such deep thoughts that sometimes I don't even know how I got behind a certain car. Where did that car come from? That's what I think. This morning was a close call. I was in the lefthand lane... deep in thought, always has something to do with Matt, life, God, etc... and there's my exit. No warning whatsoever! I got over in time. Barely. On my way back to Newaygo, I all of a sudden think, "Where am I? Did I pass my exit?" Then I check out my surroundings to try to figure it out. I could totally fall victim to a farm tractor these days.

In other shallow news - school has been going well. I ended up with 100% on my chemistry exam and 94% on my biology exam. I have a research summary to write for psych and an exam in that class next week. I also have to start working on my biology lab report.

I finally did a will and trust. I can officially die and it will be okay.

This song makes me cry:

I'm sure there was something else I've been wanting to write. I get all these ideas in my head throughout the week but finding the time to blog now is rare. So, by the time I have a chance, I can't remember anything. I wanted to make writing a priority today.

Friday, February 3, 2012

If You Want Me To

This song by Ginny Owens is amazing.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Do I LOOK like I only got four hours of sleep last night?

Yeah, I think I do. My eyes are on the puffy side this bright and cheery morning. I was up until 1:30 studying for my biology exam, for which I've been studying my butt off all of the last week (with the exception of the weekend during which I spent most of my time studying for my chemistry exam). I feel good about it though. And when I feel good about it... if it's anything like my chemistry exam - 97%! - then I think I did well. Although I couldn't help but Google the two questions I wasn't sure about as soon as I got to the library and of course... I got them both wrong. And I always seem to get the stupidest, simplest, obvious questions wrong. Enough about that.

Every time I catch someone out of the corner of my eye who could resemble Matt (the only requirements are tall, lean and have dark hair), I just imagine it's him. Then I think about all the things we did on campus together... how he was in this very place. And now he's just... gone. It's so weird to me. I can look at the tables and chairs in the C building of the Pew campus and think, "He TOUCHED those." lol I'm crazy.

It's funny being back here. My biology tutor is six years younger than me. The other girl in my tutoring group is this cute little teenager who lives in the dorms. I'm probably closer in age to some of my professors than I am to my fellow students. There are teenagers smoking outside of dorms. Teenagers smoking? What? I overheard a girl ask a guy, "Do you remember Full House?" and he replies, "... kind of." Hilarious. I can talk to my professors about parenthood. I can start sentences with, "When I was getting my first bachelor's degree..." which actually makes me feel pretty cool and smart even though I definitely did not take college seriously the first time around. I've come to the conclusion that the traditional college path (right out of high school) results in one of two things: (1) You know what you want to do and you excel or (2) You change your major at least three times, and it might end up taking you longer than four years to get your degree and then maybe you're still not really sure you followed your heart because you just wanted to finish. I definitely fell into the latter...

By the time I was a senior, I was engaged. I just wanted to finish as quickly as I could in the easiest way possible so I could get married, have babies and live happily ever after doing whatever! I'm glad I did though. Everything happens for a reason. No matter what category you might fall into, eventually you will find yourself.

For the first time (besides when I went to talk to my bio prof), I shared the extremely short version of "my story". It happened Tuesday during my tutoring session. My tutor pointed at my ring and said, "So you're married?" I said, "My husband died in July. He was in a fatal car accident." It's like it just burst out and I was so happy that someone finally asked me something that allowed me to share. I feel like I'm walking around with this huge dark secret most of the time. But I also got to mention Matt Tuesday morning because I was talking to my biology professor about the kids... and he started talking about playing video games with his kids a lot... and then I got to say, "Oh, yes, that would have been Matt, too. He was the video game guy." Awesome. I love talking about him.