Thursday, February 16, 2012

I still think...

"I can't believe my husband's gone."

It's so surreal. I'm so sad. All the time. You would never know it though. Sometimes I pretend that someone I notice walking by me out of the corner of my eye is him. Sometimes I imagine him walking up behind me, putting his arm around me and saying, "Hey! How's it going?" I look around me and I'm still kind of in shock that I'm here. It's weird that I'm back here without Matt.

I didn't think much of Valentine's Day but I still wanted to do something. I bought two charms for my bracelet. I wanted something that would symbolize our love, for one. And I remember flipping through the catalog after Christmas and sa
w a charm that was a hand making the symbol of love - that's something I distinctly remember Matt doing in high school. It was perfect. I also got a cross charm. I think for every holiday or "holiday" (Valentine's Day is a "holiday") where there would have been some sort of gift exchange between the two of us, I am going to buy a new charm for my bracelet. Next up - my birthday (also a "holiday"). I feel as though that one is going to be a toughie.

After I bought my charms, I went to the cemetery, read the Bible and had a completely one-sided conversation with Matt. I wonder if he does the same for me, lol.

Sometimes I actually miss those early days of grief. It was so intense but it was so real and so close to the days he was here. Those days ... were special.

I have a psychology exam tomorrow and I don't feel as prepared as I should be. So I guess I better get on that...

1 comment:

  1. Continued thoughts and prayers for peace. I still can't imagine your pain and grief.