Monday, February 20, 2012

Seven months

Noah said, "Where did Daddy go?"

A chill went down my spine and I thought, "Okay, here we go. The moment has arrived." I turned to him and his attention span was going every which way; I said, "Daddy died." I was actually quite excited and surprised he initiated such a conversation. Then I realized he actually said, "Where did doggy go?" He was probably thinking, "Where in the world did this come from? I want to know where the doggy went." Fail. Maybe next time.

I had such an awesome dream with Matt the other night. Three things were addressed:

(1) Matt told me I can be with whoever I want - I'm smart enough to make the decision on my own, I don't need his approval - I'm a good judge of character and I can figure it out for myself.

(2) I said, "When I die... will we be together again?" He said yes.

(3) I expressed my concern over the fact that I will likely be old and wrinkly when that time comes and I was afraid he wouldn't recognize me. He said that it doesn't matter because all the characteristics of my soul will be the same. Whatever that means - I still hope that everyone is in their prime in heaven.

In this dream, I was at the cemetery and he showed up. We just spent time together sitting in front of our headstone. It was the best few minutes of my life these days. It was sunny but it still must have been kind of cool because Matt was wearing a coat. We kissed, I asked him these three questions and that was it. I knew that our time together in this dream was limited.

It has been seven months today. To be honest, today doesn't really feel any different from yesterday. What can I say? I just think about him constantly. I think about the accident constantly. I'm to the point where I wonder if or when I am going to get into a car accident. I think about it all the time while I'm driving. I've developed this slight paranoia over the last seven months. I don't know if paranoia is the right word... I'm not afraid to get into a car by any means - I just wonder.

I've also developed paranoia over dying. I am not afraid of death but I can't leave our kids. I think... if Matt only lasted this long after having kids, how long will I last? Because he died so soon, will I, too? Now I'm the only parent left for them.

That's pretty much it. I miss him like crazy and I'm just doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I'm thankful for all of the support I've received over the course of the last seven months. If it weren't for everyone's love and prayers and support, I couldn't do this. So thank you.

1 comment:

  1. I came across your blog shortly after Matt's accident. I have been so touched by your story. I just wanted to tell you how strong I think you are. I can't imagine how hard it has been since loosing your best friend, but I am sure you find much joy looking at the children you created with him. Thank you for sharing your stories, and know that you are in my prayers...Megan