It appears I have found my calling...

preparing garlic root slides. My lab professor was so impressed she gave me extra credit. ;) In addition, our group as a whole received extra credit for extracting the most DNA/RNA from strawberries. Good stuff.

All in all, things have been good. I get teary-eyed randomly here and there, which is a pretty normal part of my life nowadays. I'm sure it always will be. I still get a sense that Matt is with me at sporadic times throughout the day. It's crazy stuff. I'm going crazy. But as long as my craziness doesn't interfere with school then whatever. The kids already make me crazy so that's a separate department.

I'm trying to get everything sorted out for my schedule for summer, fall and winter. I can't believe this semester is already almost over. I will be taking a class or two at GRCC in order to be eligible to apply to nursing school next fall. I will either have to take anatomy or microbiology there and then whichever one I don't take there, I will be taking at GVSU. It's kind of a cluster because I'm currently enrolled for organic chem at GVSU with a really good professor... that also comes with a lab. But GRCC doesn't offer anatomy 2 at a time that works for me so I called my adviser to see if I can take anatomy 1 at CC and anatomy 2 at GV. If not, then I will be forced to drop the chem class with the awesome professor and take it at CC instead... and then take anatomy 1 and 2 and GV this summer and fall. Whatever, I'm rambling and this stuff is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I guess I don't have a ton going on right now. Just keeping busy with school and planning Chloe's birthday party which is on Saturday! I got a 94% on my chem exam last week and I'm waiting for my psych prof to post grades from the exam we had on Monday... fingers crossed!

Lastly, this song was on Matt's iPod and he said the lyrics always reminded him of me after his first car accident:

Scene begins as a telephone rings.
Chokes a gasp at the awful news it brings.
A phone call she's been avoiding.
She knows he's reached the end.

Hooked up to the respirator.
It breaths life into my callused lungs.
My heart beats getting fainter.
I know my time has come.

It's getting colder
been trying to show her
that I'm not the one
to be there beside her now
I'm crossing over
can no one console her
alone she'll remain
with no way to end this pain.

Now I realize the things that I
(All of the things that I wanted in this world)
the things I have done to you
(What have I done to you)
why you gave your love with all your heart.
(Hands went way to fast)
With all that a heart could give.

Intentions that you'll never know
the reason why I have to lead astray
I gave you a life time of pain and remorse
(Mistakes that were never yours)
the wrong in my life can never be right.
(It flashes before my eyes)

(How did he come to this,
His mind is working harder than ever before.
Thousands of thoughts in seconds.
His last thoughts were of her,
and how he and he alone had destroyed the once
vibrant spirit he had coveted so deeply.
The last pain he had ever caused is to the only
woman that had ever loved him...)

Bright light is calling me upward.
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now you're all alone.
(All alone)
And I leave you with nobody by your side.
(A ghost for now)
Not to hurt you ever again
(All alone)
Never break your spirit for me.
(A ghost for now)
Now I'm all alone.
(All alone)
Still I cherish the things that you have given to me.
(A ghost for now)
Bright light is calling me upward
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now

A Thorn For Every Heart - Things Aren't So Beautiful Now

I'm not sure what possessed me.

I all but blurted out the fact that I was a widow in chemistry on Wednesday. It happened like this: we were just taking a little break (two hour class) and I sit in front. Somehow, the conversation between the instructor and another student led to the fact that they both had ex-fiances and they needed to share stories. Then I was sitting there, listening, and said, "I got you both beat. I'm a widow." Yup. It was the perfect opportunity. Many were shocked and felt sorry for me. My professor asked some questions and she had already known that I have two young kids so she was just amazed. She had to collect herself for a minute before continuing class and said now chemistry doesn't seem so important, lol. But it was good. I'm glad I had the opportunity to share. I had been feeling kind of angry and bitter all week leading up to that. Then I had support group right after class....

Several of the people there shared how they spent time with their kids and they were able to talk to each other about their feelings of sadness. That was heartwarming to me because I don't have that "luxury". My kids barely have a clue and say Noah knows what's going on... it's not like we can bond over our feelings about it. It is pretty depressing that it was our little family of four that has turned into a family of three and I'm the only one who has a concept of it. I know what my kids are missing. They don't.

Last night, as I was putting Noah to bed I said, "Do you remember when Daddy played XBox?" He replied, "Uhuh". Then I said, "Remember when Daddy mowed the lawn?" "Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy cooked on the grill and you helped him?"

"Mhmm"

I stopped and layed there with him for a few seconds and he said, "More."

So I kept trying to think of other things.

"Remember when Daddy blew big bubbles in the backyard?"

"Uhuh."

"Remember when Daddy would get all dressed up for work in his suit and tie?"

"Mhmm."

"Remember Daddy's sunglasses? He would let you wear them?"

"Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy would play his guitar?"

"Mhmm.... more."

It was really quite sweet. I went on until I fell asleep with him.

I took both kids to the cemetery with me last weekend. The weather was nice. I took Noah out of the car first and said, "Go see Daddy!" He walked over to the headstone and placed his hand on our picture that's etched on the front. Then he ran off to go kiss statues. He ran up to one and said, "angel!" Then he pointed to the wings and said, "Butterfly!"

It's amazing I haven't yet missed an exit on the expressway. Driving puts me in such deep thoughts that sometimes I don't even know how I got behind a certain car. Where did that car come from? That's what I think. This morning was a close call. I was in the lefthand lane... deep in thought, always has something to do with Matt, life, God, etc... and there's my exit. No warning whatsoever! I got over in time. Barely. On my way back to Newaygo, I all of a sudden think, "Where am I? Did I pass my exit?" Then I check out my surroundings to try to figure it out. I could totally fall victim to a farm tractor these days.

In other shallow news - school has been going well. I ended up with 100% on my chemistry exam and 94% on my biology exam. I have a research summary to write for psych and an exam in that class next week. I also have to start working on my biology lab report.

I finally did a will and trust. I can officially die and it will be okay.

This song makes me cry:

I'm sure there was something else I've been wanting to write. I get all these ideas in my head throughout the week but finding the time to blog now is rare. So, by the time I have a chance, I can't remember anything. I wanted to make writing a priority today.

Five months

I have been having internet issues since I moved. I'm still having some but it looks like I will be able to blog again! We are getting settled in here nicely. Chloe is napping my arms right now so if I cut this short, it's because she woke up!

I have been feeling pretty good over the weekend. Today marks five months since Matt's death. Five months ago today at this very moment I was sitting downstairs where I worked, and I had just been told of the accident. I was sitting in a chair with tears running down my face trying to process everything. I didn't talk much. I was completely stunned. I remember saying at one point, "I don't even know what to do. What am I supposed to do?"

It was as though everything was taken away from me and I forgot how to live all in a split second. I don't even know how I stayed on my feet. I guess I have Karla to thank for that. :)

That day is all quite clear to me still. I hope it stays clear to me for a long time. It was such an awful awful day... but it was the last day I ever saw Matt. The day he died. It's an important day despite how tragic it is.

I had such a depressing dream the other night. I had not dreamed about Matt in such a long time and then I get this? He had cancer. He was given 2-3 months to live. I was trying to think that maybe a miracle would happen; maybe he would survive longer even though it didn't look so good. We were talking and I told him I never wanted to lose him. He got really upset and said, "You'll just find someone else." Through tears, I hugged him and said, "I will never find anyone else." I wanted to say "Our vows were all the days of my life" but I don't know if I actually did. I remember thinking that. My life's not over yet.

I had another dream with him in it last night... but it was really insignificant. I don't remember much about it... or anything for that matter. Just that he was there.

I stopped by the cemetery on Sunday. It was an improvised trip, like they usually are. It's difficult for me not to stop when I drive through Rockford to get to my mom's house; right past the cemetery. Both kiddos were asleep in the car so I stopped.

Well, Chloe's short naps never cease to amaze me...

Memories in clothes

I am going through the packing process again. On a slightly lesser scale but as I was packing up my clothes today, I just kept stopping on certain things that I had when Matt was alive. Like a dress that I wore to a wedding and I remembered us dancing together. A dress that he bought for me in Hawaii and I remember wearing it on our honeymoon in Aruba. The sweater he got me for Christmas last year when I was pregnant. Tops that I wore often when I was pregnant with Noah. A couple of tops that I bought shortly before he died. Some graphic tees I bought while we were shopping in Myrtle Beach together. Same thing with a hoodie. A nightshirt that he got me on our first (well, technically second if you count high school) Valentine's Day together. All these little memories made me stop and think so packing up my clothes has been a day-long process. I haven't even started on the kids' clothes yet. Or anything else for that matter.

The shirt I was wearing the day he died... I got rid of it in North Carolina. And the pants, too. I never wanted to see those clothes again.

So yes... moving again. And it's not the last time. We are moving to a "temporary home" about 30-40 minutes north of Grand Rapids. It's a nice homey cottage on the lake. We already stayed there one weekend to test it out. It is so cute. It will be an hour long commute to Grand Valley every day (and an hour back) but... it's temporary, like I said. I'm sure there will be times that we stay in Rockford, too.

One more step away from our old lives. It's weird. I miss Matt. We would be hanging out at home right now. Probably eating dinner. Then one of us would go give Noah a bath and we would all read bedtime stories together. Miss him tons.

Just two things

I got my new and improved Michigan plate in the mail this week. Years ago, when Matt drove a Pontiac Grand Am in college, he had a license plate that said, "FR NOT". It was "Fear not" after Isaiah 41:10, which reads:

Fear not, I am with you;

be not dismayed; I am your God.

I will strengthen you, and help you,

and uphold you with my right

hand of justice.

So, I give you...

(FEARNOT was taken.)

I randomly decided to watch our wedding video today. I ended up laughing and smiling more than crying but, in the end, I was left feeling pretty sad and hopeless. That went pretty much as expected anyway. I decided to write down a few things as I watched, and that kind of distracted me from bawling the entire way through. Well that, plus Chloe is extra mad and teething and devilish today so that distracted me, too.

As soon as the video began, I started to cry... before the actual procession. This was just during the seating of the grandparents while Tom was singing Ave Maria. That's when I had the idea of writing down some memories and things because I remember the way I felt so nervous and excited when I was in the back of the church and I heard Tom start to sing. I was like, "Wow, it's starting!"

Matt looked over at me right before we started singing the opening song and he said into my ear, "You look beautiful."

My shoulders looked awesome from taking pilates and yoga that summer.

I noticed that sometimes I kind of look like Ginnifer Goodwin.

I loved my dress. I still love my dress.

Our vows were, "I, Matthew/Stephanie, take you, Stephanie/Matthew, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

And when we put the rings on it was, "Stephanie/Matthew, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity in the name of the father, the son and the holy Spirit."

I just kept watching Matt and thinking, "There's my sweetheart. There's my baby. Gone forever."

I also kept taking notice of all the couples who had been together for a long time and thinking about how lucky they are and how jealous I am of them. That will never be us.

Matt's brother, Tom, was the best man and my best friend, Amber, was my maid of honor. Tom talked about how I visited him at the rehab center while he was recovering from his first car accident. He was conscious but he couldn't talk yet. And so when I left, Matt looked at Tom confused and Tom said, "Are you wondering why she didn't give you a kiss goodbye? You broke up with her the day before your accident." He concluded by saying, "The car accident was God's way of saying, 'Matt, don't be an idiot. This is the girl you need to spend the rest of your life with.'" And that he did.

Amber talked about how Matt and I first met. And shared the story about how I French kissed Matt in front of the entire swim team. Haha... that was funny. We were so dramatic.

Matt sung into my ear during our first dance. Just like he did when we went to our high school dance together.

He gets major props for pulling my garter off with his teeth.

And also for busting out his Michael Jackson dance moves. I love that I have that to show our kids.

I love how all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen said something to us and I love what Matt said to me. I can't remember what it was; I wanted to type it out but Chloe was preventing me from being able to do so. At the beginning he said, "The first time I saw Stephanie walk down the aisle she took my breath away. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. Stephanie, I'm so thankful for you and for your kindness and lovingness..." (I think maybe he made up a word) and that's where I left it. I just remember at the end he said, "I love you, honey."

We were so perfect for each other. Damn it.

I am so glad we got a videographer for our wedding. So so glad. Being in the position I'm in now... I would tell everyone to get a good videographer and a good photographer on their wedding day. If I knew way back then what I know now... I would have also taken the option to have the videographer film the photo session, too. I also would have done professional family pictures at least four times a year. I'm thankful we had them done when we did though. Especially that last family/maternity session we did in February. There are some priceless pictures in there of Matt and Noah together.

I'll include a retrospective of our wedding. It is played to our first dance song, "Such A Way" by Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers.

First night alone

I do believe this is my first night completely alone since Matt's death. With the kids, I mean. It has been going okay. I really thought it was going to be a long night but thankfully, Noah went to sleep at his usual time. Chloe is still up, which is typical.

I really miss Matt. I miss the days when it was the four of us. Our perfect little family of four.

If I could see him again... that would be the best thing in the world. I wish we could have lived together forever. I wish we didn't have to lose our loved ones. I wish he could have watched his children grow up. I wish they could grow up with their daddy.

Beautiful night sky

Raindrops dance on the leaves
like gentle fingers on a piano.

Today is Chloe's first day at daycare here. I can't believe how quiet the house is! I can just sit and stare in silence for as long as I like. I will be bringing her two days a week.

What is a sign from God? We were discussing the northern lights on Sunday night. I mentioned I had never seen them before. They mentioned they had never seen them here before. And the very next night, the starry sky was lit up with beautiful glimmering northern lights. We shut off all the house lights and walked outside. It was as though the pinnacle was right above us and it was like watching light dance across water, but up in the sky instead. It was amazing! I felt like it was a gift from Matt and a true sign from God.

It's one of those days where I'm thinking...

My husband is gone, my best friend is gone, my kids' father is gone, my life sucks.

Now that I have that out of my system...

I called the tattoo shop today and he said they CAN tattoo someone who is breastfeeding but they advise against it. And if I felt like I truly NEEDED it now, I would need to bring written permission from my doctor. The chance of a staph infection is really small but, if I got one, it would pass to Chloe through my milk so I'm going to just wait. I plan on weaning her in the spring so I'm going to set a goal of having her weaned by my 27th birthday so I can get one for my birthday. :) That will be my gift from Matt, lol.

I'm going computer shopping this weekend. I will definitely miss Matt, the computer guru. I don't feel right going to buy a new computer without him. But I kind of need one. I'm currently using a five-year-old laptop that Matt bought when he worked for Dell. It had turned into our crappy computer that I used as a cookbook in the kitchen or gave to Noah to play with. Thank goodness it still works. But it's definitely on its way out. Even a piece of the corner is chipped off, lol. Oh, and it doesn't hold a battery charge anymore. It must be plugged in to function.

I have listened to this song for a while now and I finally just took notice of the actual lyrics the other day:



Side note: There are clips from The Passion in there. I remember when Matt and I watched that movie together at his apartment. It was my first (and only) time seeing it. I was so affected by it and Matt told me I was feeling the Holy Spirit. I can't remember if I was baptized at that point or not (if not, I was close). That memory just sticks out to me.

The hurt.

It's easy to recreate that feeling I experienced on July 20 when I received the news. That hollow, painful feeling
in my chest. It's just about enough to bring me to my knees. It's like an inner collapse. I think about it often.
I still think about all the things we left undone. And then... just like that, it was over.No goodbyes. No warning.
He was just gone.

I wonder what Matt would have done if it was me instead. This sucks so bad, I'm so glad it wasn't. I would never
want this for him. But I wonder.

We almost went to Italy in February 2009. It was Matt's #1 place he wanted to visit. Rome, to be exact. I looked at tours, corresponded with a travel agent... and then we decided we should spend our money on other things we NEEDED instead. We would go again another time for sure. We had the rest of our lives.

I wrote "I miss you" on the foggy bathroom mirror this morning when I got out of the shower. Not being able to talk to him anymore sucks. It's not like he went away and will be coming back and we can still text or write or call. I still have this need to talk to him somehow. So I will try anything. I talk out loud, I pray, I write, I still post on his Facebook, and now... I write on the mirror. I'm desperate.

I know he was in one of my dreams last night but I can't remember anything about it. But the fact that he was there is kind of a relief because I really haven't dreamed about him in a long time, it seems. I wish he would visit me again.

I'm going to call the tattoo shop tomorrow to see if they have a policy against tattooing someone who is breastfeeding. :D Because, if not... I'm going to get my first one on Saturday. :O If so, I will have to wait until next spring. :/ But that's okay. Either way, I'm excited to get it. I want to have Matt's memory permanently inked in my skin. He'll always be a part of me.

This is right behind my license.

They will not go through your cell phone. If something happens to you, this will make it easier for officials to contact your next-of-kin. I just wrote out all of my information on three sticky notes, folded it up and put it right behind my license because they will retrieve your license to identify you. That's it. A simple thing... just make sure you keep it up to date!

This is the type of stuff I think about now.

We almost drove to Clare tonight but then decided to just get up and leave in the morning instead.

Maybe NOT going tonight saved our lives. Maybe, if we had gone tonight, something terrible would have happened.

Or, maybe, not going tonight killed us because something terrible will happen tomorrow. I know that's awful to think about but it's just the way I think now. I can't help it. Actually, I don't find it that awful of a thought but from an outsider's perspective, it probably seems awful.

That's all.

A simple song.

It makes my day. I walked into the UPS store today and 'Amazed' by Lonestar was playing on the radio; one of our songs from high school. I remember dancing to it at Sweetheart Swirl. That song has always reminded me of Matt for that reason and it was so special to hear it by chance today. Is it a sign? I'd like to think it's Matt's way of saying, "Hello" or telling me he loves me... that he's still here, watching over me. I have to hold these little things close to my heart.

I called SSA today to get my address changed and stopped by SOS to figure out what I need to get my new license and plate.

There is a wedding coming up in November for which I've been mentally preparing myself. I've gone from, "No way" to "I think I can", lol. Or... "I HOPE I can," is probably more appropriate. Someone shared something with me today... (I asked other widows how it was attending a wedding after losing their spouse)

"But it was easier than I thought, I kept looking at them and thinking "this will happen to one of them too, I just hope not for a long long time". That made it easier. Suffering is inevitable, joy is not."

That's a good perspective. Times of great joy are actually few and far between compared to the times of sorrow, loss, hurt, rejection. It's going to be difficult but if I think even a small part of me can share in someone else's joy now, then hopefully in two more months it will be even more of an attainable thought. It's got to happen eventually. I conveniently lost my husband in the years where there's a pregnancy being announced or a baby being born or an engagement or a wedding happening every month (or a combination of the aforementioned events). I better get used to it.

I just realized something last night: Matt is with two of his siblings up there. I find that to be a comforting thought. I had a dream two nights ago that Matt had another brother and Kristen also dreamed that same night that they had another brother, too.

Last night I had another weird dream. This guy said, "We should go out sometime," and I said, "You think so?" Pause. Then I said, "I'll have to think about it." And I was still wearing my wedding rings. I don't love that dream at all. It was creepy, lol. Matt needs to come back to me. I pray for him every night. I made up this insane story that, because visiting me in my dreams takes so much work, he's saving up his energy to be with me on our anniversary, which... by the way, is Thursday. Yup, my first wedding anniversary of widowhood. I will get to spend it at my husband's grave. Four years. Doesn't that sound so pitiful? We got to celebrate three years married. Three. Now it's over just like that.

We spent our first anniversary in Charleston, SC. It was so much fun. We took a carriage ride and visited one of the plantations. We stayed at this quaint little hotel right in the heart of the city... a hotel Elvis Presley stayed once. We ate good food and took long walks around town. It was perfect.

What I really need is

a big tattoo somewhere that says, "I'm getting screwed by North Carolina law."

One big test of faith

Being "home" is bittersweet. Like I said earlier, it doesn't feel too much like home anymore. I don't feel like this is our home. It's just a place where all of our stuff is. It is nice to be around his stuff, though. Just makes me feel closer to him. Even though it makes me miss him terribly at the same time.

I wore his cross today just so I had it close while traveling. When I took it off later after we had been home for a while, it was turned around again. The last time this happened was the morning of his funeral. I keep trying to find some obvious explanation for it, but I always clasp the necklace using my left hand. The clasp is in my left hand and I use my right hand to guide the other end onto it. So when I go to take off the necklace and find that I need to unclasp it using my right hand, I realize that the cross is facing the other way. I just think it's Matt there to comfort me when I need it most. And I REALLY needed it today. I love him so much. Even from the other side, he's there for me. I may not be able to physically touch him but I know he's here.

This is going to sound really crazy but I've seen hallucinations of him out of the corner of my eye several times. Like, just for a split second. Funny how the mind makes these things up when you yearn for them badly enough.

I'm wearing one of his t-shirts. I might as well get rid of all my pajama tees (well, the ones that don't remind me of him) because I will be wearing all of his! Same thing with his boxers. :) Actually, I didn't think of that tonight; I'm wearing my own shorts. Maybe I'll change before bed.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that just says "Matthew 28:20" (small and easily concealable with a bracelet if need be for professional reasons). Feel free to tell me if that is a totally bad idea and I'll regret it later. I always thought tattoos were too permanent so I didn't have much of a desire to ever get one. But Matt is permanent - and anything that symbolizes him and my faith... how could I regret it? Matthew 28:20 is the last verse of that chapter and it simply says, "I am with you always, until the end of the age." So it kind of has a double meaning. And then from there, I have gone a little wild with the tat ideas. Like... getting John 3:16 on my side. But not just "John 3:16", the actual verse. And a small, simple cross on the back of my neck. I will let those marinate for a while... but I think the one on my wrist will happen first. And even that will be a ways down the road.

Tonight has been really difficult for getting Noah to bed. I'm not being super strict about it. I am not in the right place, emotionally, to make Noah cry at bedtime. Matt used to do this, most of the time... and I know Noah misses him. It's times like this where I really miss him. Because I get to thinking about him with the kids and it breaks my heart to know he won't be there to read bedtime stories anymore, tuck them in, kiss them goodnight. That is just one of the things about being home that weakens me.

I went through some his papers in the office. It was mostly achievements, awards, letters of recommendation, admirable sales records. Matt was a hard worker. He enjoyed what he did and he was good at it. I've seen numerous sentiments from his offices about what a joy he was, how kind he was, and how he often talked about us and showed off pictures of Noah and Chloe. It is so nice to see what a positive impact he had on his clients.

Tomorrow, I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, call about a medical bill in Matt's name that I have no idea about, go get Chloe's birth certificate, finish a bunch of paperwork, get packing supplies, call our realtor, call the church and call a counselor.

I wonder why this happened to me. I can't help but think this was just one big test of faith. It could have gone one of two ways... but Matt was such a man of faith that there was no way I could have rejected God in a time like this. Why would I turn away from Him when He has my Matthew? Matt is now with God and I want to do everything in my power to earn my place with them when my time comes. I'm going to trust in Him and I thank Him every night for giving me the strength to make it through one more day.

"Welcome Home"

I had a vent here - but I wrote it out, continued my post and decided to erase it because it was too negative. And I'm not trying to dwell on the negative. I'm trying to strengthen my soul and focus on my new future.

I miss my old life... our average, ordinary, new-family life. I will say that much.

My mom and I went shopping in Petoskey yesterday. It took a little bit for me to actually get in the spirit. But I eventually went from why-am-I-trying-enjoy-myself mode to retail therapy mode. I was flipping through a clearance rack in one of the shops and came across a graphic tee that says, "Still think of you forever".

Maybe this really is all just a bad dream and we wake upon our death in Heaven. I like this card that we received:

Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those in a far more beautiful place who are saying, "Welcome home."

I never realized how important sympathy cards were. But they really do help tremendously. It's amazing. I need to just compile all of them into a scrapbook so I can flip through it whenever I'm feeling sad.

I can't wait until it's my turn to be called home but I'm guessing God wants me to stay around here for a while for the sake of our kids. And I haven't proven myself worthy yet (or fulfilled my purpose). I'm not surprised Matt had though. He was such a good, genuine person. I hope to follow in his footsteps. I will.

"... He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." -Mark 13:13

This is a lot of posting for one day but I feel like I better catch up to the present and this is another one I actually wrote over the weekend.

We were on the airplane on Saturday, July 23... still very fresh with grief and shock. We were awaiting departure to take off for Detroit. There was a couple with a young child sitting in front of us and for some reason I just picked this out of the conversation the mom was having with their son. She was trying to entertain him and distract him while waiting for takeoff. He was probably a bit older than Noah. He must have been looking at her wedding ring because she said something like, "See my ring? Daddy has one, too. When you get older you can wear a ring like Daddy."

Matt, Noah just loves the water. He is a fearless little fishy. He jumped right off the raft into my arms with no warning whatsoever. You would be so proud. We sure wish you were there to give him his first swimming lessons. Everywhere we look, Matt, we are remind of you... we miss you more than words could ever truly express. You will be missed forever.

I made an attempt at watching The Bachelorette finale. As much as he might hate for me to dish this (or maybe not; he was pretty good about owning up to his guilty pleasures), Matt and I watched this show together every Monday. But I couldn't get through the first 10 minutes. Hearing them talk about kissing each other for the rest of their lives really struck a nerve. I was supposed to kiss Matt for the rest of our lives. But it was cut short. I don't get that luxury anymore. It was taken away. It is so very difficult for me right now to watch husbands and wives together... or even just couples in general. I had that companionship - that perfect companionship - only a few short weeks ago. I only had it for six and a half years. I thought we'd have it for much longer than that. I thought we would grow old together; I would say it's a pretty fair assumption that most people make. Thought we'd watch our children have children. I thought this was our fairytale... after all we had been through... I thought we were free.

Sometimes Noah gives me a really hard time. Typical two-year-old. It is tons more difficult now though. Matt was so good at helping me through a toddler meltdown. Noah is defiant, stubborn... but Matt and I would work together (although he was much better than I was). Now, sometimes I just want to cry right along with Noah. Sometimes I just feel so angry that I am left with two very young children to raise and teach and nurture. Sometimes I just think, "Matt would know what to do." It is so dangerously easy to slip into that dark place and just feel sorry for myself... to be angry with God for taking Matt away from us - leaving me with the gigantic burden of raising a family, financially supporting them, doing everything. EVERYTHING. Leaving a four-month-old and a two-year-old without their father. But I just have to remember that it is important not to lose faith. I must play the hand I'm dealt and show God that I accept His plan... no matter how difficult. I must continue to live as Matt would want me to live and trust in God that this is my new path. I know He will guide me and I will serve Him along the way. Never losing faith. In fact, this has only strengthened my faith. I'm not going to lie, I didn't have a very strong faith before all this. It was always something Matt wanted me to work on. I did try but I didn't feel like I tried with much conviction. I always went to Matt with my questions about religion. I sure will miss those conversations.

Another thing it is dangerously easy to do is fall into the "what if" trap. What if we had decided not to move to North Carolina? What if we had chosen that week to go on vacation instead of September? What if Matt listened to me and stayed home from work that day? He would still be here. But when you step back and look at the hundreds upon hundreds of "what if" scenarios, you realize that there are simply too many factors to pinpoint just one.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." - Ecclesiastes 3:1

Sometimes I think that Matt could have survived this... but maybe he was granted a choice and decided that wasn't the best outcome for him or us. I don't at all want this to come off the wrong way... and I swear by all that is Holy I would have been right there at his side no matter what condition he might have come out in... but he had already survived a near-fatal brain injury 11 years ago. He had to re-learn how to walk, talk and eat. All basic functions we take for granted every day. He was left with a seizure disorder for which he had to take medication twice a day for the rest of his life and occasionally suffer a tonic clonic seizure, among other challenges. And he really persevered. Just look at all he accomplished. He considered those things a mere inconvenience compared to what other TBI survivors endure. He knew he was lucky. But maybe surviving another one wouldn't have left him so lucky again. Sometimes I picture him in Heaven during that hour he was being worked on in the emergency room; he was in Heaven discussing his options with God. And God granted him the option of eternal life in Heaven instead of having to go through that again. Maybe I was saved from having to make a decision I would NEVER want to have to make. I have no doubt this accident could have been... should have been... avoided, but because it wasn't, this was our ending. And it hurts me to the core. It's a kind of heartache I never knew existed. But we just have to have faith.

I want to write more.

so many thoughts have been running through my head and i am trying to hold onto everything until i can sit down at a computer and share them. i cannot do it from my cell phone so my next entry will probably be very lengthy as i go back a few days and rehash all that has happened. all my thoughts as it happened.

as kind of a personal note for when i do get a chance, these are the things i would like to address...

opening the envelope

burial plots

signs from matthew

the facts

noah

the first sight

returning a call of matts

future plans

and i am sure much much more as i get to writing. for now, i will just say that i am holding on but missing him so much with all my heart.