Sunday, October 16, 2011

The hurt.

It's easy to recreate that feeling I experienced on July 20 when I received the news. That hollow, painful feeling
in my chest. It's just about enough to bring me to my knees. It's like an inner collapse. I think about it often.
I still think about all the things we left undone. And then... just like that, it was over.No goodbyes. No warning.
He was just gone.

I wonder what Matt would have done if it was me instead. This sucks so bad, I'm so glad it wasn't. I would never
want this for him. But I wonder.

We almost went to Italy in February 2009. It was Matt's #1 place he wanted to visit. Rome, to be exact. I looked at tours, corresponded with a travel agent... and then we decided we should spend our money on other things we NEEDED instead. We would go again another time for sure. We had the rest of our lives.

I wrote "I miss you" on the foggy bathroom mirror this morning when I got out of the shower. Not being able to talk to him anymore sucks. It's not like he went away and will be coming back and we can still text or write or call. I still have this need to talk to him somehow. So I will try anything. I talk out loud, I pray, I write, I still post on his Facebook, and now... I write on the mirror. I'm desperate.

I know he was in one of my dreams last night but I can't remember anything about it. But the fact that he was there is kind of a relief because I really haven't dreamed about him in a long time, it seems. I wish he would visit me again.

I'm going to call the tattoo shop tomorrow to see if they have a policy against tattooing someone who is breastfeeding. :D Because, if not... I'm going to get my first one on Saturday. :O If so, I will have to wait until next spring. :/ But that's okay. Either way, I'm excited to get it. I want to have Matt's memory permanently inked in my skin. He'll always be a part of me.

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