Saturday, October 15, 2011

"Daddy sleeping."

The three of us (me, Noah and Chloe) sleep in the same bedroom. Noah sleeps in a twin bed and Chloe and I sleep in a queen bed. I heard Noah get out of bed this morning and he kept saying, "Daddy sleeping." I got up and went over to him and I said, "Did you say daddy's sleeping?" He kept saying it and he was starting to get upset and he kept looking at the bed. Matt's blanket that he had ever since he was a baby was on the bed. He always took naps with it at home so Noah knows it is "Daddy's blanket". I couldn't figure out if he was wanting Matt to be in the bed with his blanket or if he had a dream about him or what. It was as though he was upset that he wasn't there. I was kneeling by him and I said very gently and softly, "Daddy died. He's in Heaven with Jesus but he will always be watching over you." I figured that maybe he dreamed about Matt... maybe he thought he was in the bed with him or something.

I hate it when I have to say that to him. I don't usually use "died" when I'm talking to Noah. But I know I need to eventually. So I just said it. I don't know if there is a "right" way to talk about it to him. I really have no clue what I'm doing... I'm just kind of improvising as we go along.

I heard a song today. One of the songs I downloaded from Matt's collection. It's called "Self-Conclusion" by Spill Canvas. The chorus goes...

Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I have never even considered in the slightest taking my own life. I could not do that to my family. And Matt would DEFINITELY not want that. Plus, I think it's a Catholic belief that suicide doesn't get you into Heaven... whether or not that's true is debatable but I wouldn't take the chance, being that I'm Catholic! However, I have thought about the idea in general (and how terrible it would be). Don't we all? When I was getting some things down from the attic in our home in North Carolina, I was at the top of the ladder and I looked down at the concrete floor in the garage. I thought, "All I might have to do is take a dive." That probably wouldn't kill me though. Isn't that horrible? And sometimes, when I'm handling knives, I think about how one swift motion could end it all. Surprisingly, I didn't have any morbid thoughts while I was shooting a gun at the farm last weekend! Not until after the fact, lol.

That song just made me think about it. It's about two people who are about to commit suicide: The guy gets there first to jump, then a girl comes up to the same spot for the same purpose, and he ends up asking her out.

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too"

It's a good song. "

"No matter how unbearable this misery gets."

I know I've said that I wish I could have just been in that car with Matt. But that wasn't my path. If I was in the car, he probably wouldn't have hit the tractor to begin with anyway. So in that sense, yes, I wish I would have been there. But all this "I wish" and "if only" stuff... I would say I'm over it for the most part. I accept the things I cannot change.

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