Friday, October 28, 2011

Ready to live

I was struck down with the flu last night. I'm still feeling it but it's bearable at this point. I was laying in bed feeling horrible last night, just thinking. I was thinking about how I felt like I was dying and came to accept that I actually had a lot of life left and I am ready to live it. I am ready to live for Matt, for our children... in Christ's name. And no matter how long I might have left, I will embrace every minute. Every day I miss Matt and every day I have missed him since the day he died. It will not get any better but I believe that I must cherish each day despite this heartache and emptiness that comes from losing my husband, my partner, my best friend. I know that he is with me and will always be with me and with our children.

I had plans to go to Traverse City today but obviously the flu changed those. So that will be postponed until Tuesday. Then I couldn't help but think that maybe something bad would have happened to me today had I gone and the flu saved my life by keeping me home. Who knows? I over-think things like that every day.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in denial. I am subconsciously tricking myself into thinking that maybe he will still come back? I know he won't but it's certainly not difficult to pretend. I guess it's a fantasy I can create on purpose even though I know it's impossible. One thing is certain - I will see him again one day. It just won't be here.

I started watching sports. There's not much about sports that makes me feel bad (missing Matt). I've been insanely out of the loop in terms of TV shows and movies, I haven't really watched TV since the night before Matt died. But we never watched sports so it's kind of a new thing for me. I've been learning a lot about baseball and football!

It has been a few days since I last posted. I have just been. I don't really know how else to describe it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just in a trance, going through the motions of life. Maybe I'm ready to start down my new life path. Ready to start on my classes this winter. I've had so much time to think and reflect lately... I feel so blessed about that. I think it has helped my healing process tremendously. I don't know how many people in my situation are fortunate enough to basically halt their life and just pause for a while. Not only did I lose my husband but I also had to quit my job and leave our home. Well, I guess I didn't HAVE to but it was the obvious right choice for me. We (the kids and I) need to be close to family. It is important for us to be surrounded by loved ones who can share memories of Matt on a daily basis. It is important for our kids, especially, to grow up in such a way that they can know their dad as best as they possibly can with him not being here. It is my hope that Matt will continue to watch over us and feel good about the way we are carrying on his memory. I want to be sure to do everything in my life to honor Matt and to be the best person I can possibly be.

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