Monday, October 24, 2011

Here, you don't look UP at the sky, you look out.

I feel like it's the closest to Heaven I'll ever be as long as I'm alive.

My transitory days are officially numbered. I start classes on January 9. It's bittersweet... I am looking forward to beginning the path to my new future but it's also a reminder that life has to go on without Matt. And it's really going to cement the idea that everything is changing. It's what I have to do, I know, but it just sucks that it's what I have to do, if that makes sense. I just have to keep my mind on my goal and remember that this is all for helping others like him and like myself in the long run. I'm taking my experience from this heartbreaking tragedy to do something good with it.

I wonder how long I will live my life as a semi-lie? I had my oil changed this afternoon and the guy who took my information said, at the very end, "That's a nice wedding ring you have there." I said... "Thank you." THEN, he asks, "Are you married or just engaged?" I guess I wouldn't expect a man to differentiate between just an engagement ring and an engagement ring/wedding band like I have. But that totally caught me off guard. So in that second of hesitation before answering the question I think to myself...

Is this an important enough interaction to really start the "It's a long story" game? Does it really matter? Technically, I am married... or am I not?

I kind of sighed with a short "uhh" and said, "I'm married." I'm certain that just gave the impression that I either lied or that I'm in an unhappy marriage. Whatever the case, I am glad that happened at the end so I could just leave. He replied, "Good for you."

I can just go through life lying to whomever I choose, I suppose. It's not like it really matters. It's probably not healthy but that's what I get for wearing my wedding rings. A little false life... maybe I just shouldn't go back to this particular dealership ever again, lol.

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