Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I found Matt's iPod

Music was a big part of his life and therefore it is now something in which I find much comfort. Especially when it involves his own iPod with his own playlists that he created on it. I listened to it on the way to school this morning and it made me happy.

I oftentimes think of everything that had to go wrong in order for Matt to die. Like... if only we never moved to North Carolina in the first place. Or... what if Matt was offered the job for which he had several interviews during the time that he had been laid off in the summer of 2010. Why didn't he listen to me when I told him to stay home that day? Why did I choose THAT day to even suggest the idea of taking a day off? It just makes things that much worse.
If only you had listened to me...

But that's only me knowing now what I never would have known then. What I never knew. What he never knew. I don't know. I can't wrap my mind around it and I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my mind around it.

I happened to walk towards a guy who was standing with his back towards me after class yesterday when I was on my way back to my car. He looked like Matt. Short, black hair, a red dress shirt tucked into black pants. In the time that I noticed him to the time that I passed him, I just imagined... wouldn't that be something. I was lost in my own little daydream for a minute. Those are the best.

Then I just thought about how one day that will happen for real. Forealz. I wonder what it will be like... that scene in Cruel Intentions as previously mentioned? I wonder if I will know that I'm dead when I die. I wonder if people know this. Or if it takes them a while to figure it out.

Well, I need to study a little bio until I go meet my awesome accountant for a tax party. And I got a 60/60 on my psychology research summary. If I do the math right, that's 100%! And I even got a "Perfect!" written on it. That is the stuff of life right there.

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