I typed the following into a Word document last night due to my sketchy internet connection.
Christmas. It was honestly not as bad as I anticipated. I kept myself busy and these kids make it impossible to ignore the joy that this time of year brings. They are my angels. It was fun. I wish more than anything that Matt could have been here to watch their faces light up (well, Noah’s face) at the Christmas lights and presents… and I hope that he was able to see that. I just wish we could have been together; the family that we should have been. We should have been together in our home in North Carolina doing all this. We should have been packing up to leave for Michigan tomorrow. This was supposed to be OUR first Christmas together in our home.
I guess I’ve gotten used to the “should have beens”. I tend to think of them now as “never meant to be’s”. It just wasn’t meant to be that way. I always thought it would be but God had other plans. Even when I think of it that way… doesn’t make it any less sad. The busyness of the holiday kept me from becoming depressed. I’ve been constantly surrounded by loving family and I’ve been focused on trying to make this time of year fun for others (like the kids, of course). What is kind of cool is that Matt saw what half of their presents were. I bought their Christmas presents throughout the year – one per child per month to be exact. I had a lot of fun doing it that way. I looked forward to a new month because I got to keep my eye out for presents and I would show Matt what they were. I wonder what he would have gotten me for Christmas this year. I haven’t even really thought about what I would have gotten for him. I push that to the back of my mind although every time I go shopping, I still can’t help but to glance at the men’s clothes and think about what he would look good in or what he would like. I oftentimes think, “I wish Matt was here so I could buy that for him.” The only difference between Christmas this year and Christmases past is that I would be sad when Christmas was over in years past; I would start counting down the days until the next Christmas on December 26. Now, I am just glad it’s over and I don’t really care about the next one. It’s just another day without Matt. I don’t mean for that to sound as negative as it comes off; it’s true. I still partake in celebrations but the bottom line is… it’s just another day without Matt. Everything is duller now.
Overall, Christmas was okay. Different but okay. I get up every day and think, “I’m okay” and I thank God every night for the strength He has graced me with. I know He will direct me, I just have to let Him lead. And I continuously think about the day I will see Matt again. That alone makes me happy. It’s what I live for.
I found a new daycare for the kids. It is so great that it was the only place I toured. It’s very similar to the center we used in North Carolina so I felt comfortable with it right away. It’s new, I like the way it’s set up and it’s very close to the highway. It’s just around the corner from where I grew up. I thought today while I was driving that I appreciate my hometown so much more after being away for 3-1/2 years; especially under these circumstances. It feels good to be back home where my support system is. I’m so glad that our kids will be raised here, around people who knew their dad and will be able to share stories about him.
I went for a manicure on Friday and she asked straight away what my “hubby” did for a living. When Matt comes up in conversation, I automatically go to say, “He’s dead,” but I stop myself because it sounds so horrible. I always end up saying, “He died in July,” but I still shared that he was a pharmaceutical sales rep. One of these days I will feel comfortable just saying he’s dead. I just need to say it. Maybe I still can’t grasp it so I try to use nicer terms. Turns out, the woman doing my nails lost a child years ago. She said after a while, it just becomes a part of your story and you don’t worry about other people feeling sorry for you. It is what it is and it can never be changed.
Right now, I am just doing the best I can with what I have and letting God do the rest. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas with good food, good family and good faith!