Friday, November 11, 2011


I love the snow. Yesterday we had our second snowfall of the season. It makes me happy but it's also a reminder of the changing seasons. The changing seasons... evidence that time goes on without Matt.

I've taken a liking to the show Parenthood. I caught an episode on Tuesday night by chance (it came on after something else) and ever since, I've been watching episodes online. It's hilarious but it also makes me cry. I like to watch other people have their problems even though they're fake, lol. I feel like I can identify with their pain even though it's different. It's therapeutic! It's heartwarming. And it brings back happy memories that I shared with Matt (like giving birth to Noah and Chloe). I've now gotten Hulu Plus and I think I will become addicted to it. I found a new joy in curling up in bed at night with Chloe and my laptop and watching old episodes of Parenthood. :)

Today is 11-11-11. Eleven is a very special number and so today is a very special day (and it's Veterans Day!)... but I think the fact that today is 11-11-11 contributed to the most wonderful dreams I ever had last night. I took notes on my phone when my alarm went off at 7:00. I tried to tell myself to take notes right after the dreams but I was still sleeping so that didn't happen.

In the first one, I was on a swing set with a bunch of people. I only remember one person, specifically, it was a guy who also went to our high school who passed away like only a week before Matt did. He was smiling and sitting to my left. There was a girl on my right but I don't know who it was. Everyone was happy. And everyone was holding hands while swinging. I know this sounds insane but dreams are insane. Anyway, it was bright and sunny... an all around warm vibe to this dream. I remember sitting on the swing holding this girl's hand to my right and then this guy walked up, smiling, took my hand and sat to my left. I remember thinking to myself that he was dead but I don't know if any of the other people there were aware of this. They all acted normal and happy. I have no clue where I was. So we were swinging and out in the distance, but not too far away, I saw Matt. He was up high, sitting on the roof of... get this... the white house... get this... reading! For anyone who doesn't know, Matt had a hobby of politics. He lived and breathed politics (well, aside from his family and his career) and he loved to read. He looked at me and smiled. He was wearing a white shirt. I looked at him and smiled. We weren't close enough to speak but close enough to clearly see each other's faces. I mouthed, "I love you," to him and he mouthed back, "I miss you so much," and I said the same. Missing someone is a melancholy feeling and I'm not sure that happens in Heaven but maybe it does. Or maybe human feelings only arise when they are in communication with the living. Look, this is the type of stuff I think about every single second of every single day. My mind is absolutely consumed with incredibly deep thoughts all day long it's almost painful. That is all I remember of that dream. It was amazing.

In my second dream, I was aware of the fact that I was asleep. It was almost as though I was lucid dreaming, I don't know. I heard Matt's voice but I did not see him anywhere. Now I must refer to my phone notes because this gets crazy. Matt was speaking to me, telling me to really feel him, feel his presence... to know that he is here with me. It felt like my body was being lifted. Like he was carrying me or something. It was super strange. I guess it could also be described as a feeling of levitation. Someone is going to have me committed to a mental hospital. Anyway, there came a moment where my concentration slipped because I could hear someone in the kitchen. But I wanted to stay in this dream so bad I fought to stay there and I was able to go back to him before leaving the dream. I felt like I was conscious of the fact that I was really trying to relax so my mind could remain open to this. I could feel myself smiling from ear to ear in my sleep. He was trying to assure me again that this was real but I can't remember his exact words. It was him.

These dreams are profound enough to move me to tears. When I finished taking notes on my phone this morning, it was 7:11.

Okay, so that's done. What else... like I said, I just continuously have thoughts of life after death, when/how will I die, what is Matt doing, what can Matt feel, school, my purpose in life, prayer, the future, Jesus is with me, Matt is with me, take care of the kids, write, think, read, pray, eat, try to function like a normal human being, thinking of others who are overcoming a loss, what is all this for, why do we do the things we do when we are all going to die someday, maybe I was Matt's purpose, maybe the kids were Matt's purpose, I need to clean my room, I need to go to the store, what if I die today, why didn't Matt see the tractor, what would we be doing right now if he was still here, why are things the way they are, my dreams, is Matt with me right now, and I need to stop thinking for a minute to give my brain a break but it's impossible.

That's all.

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