Monday, November 21, 2011

I had a not-so-fun dream last night. I was crying so hard and it was over the thing that hurts the most - that our kids are going to grow up without their dad.

Thanksgiving is this week. I look forward to being surrounded by family, especially Matt's family since I always feel more connected to him when I'm around his family. It will be really weird being with my family without him. That's when I feel so incomplete. I was always so proud to have him around my family because he was the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for. He was so funny and charming. I will really miss him a lot. In the last two years, we stayed home for Thanksgiving and just saved our days off to come up for Christmas and New Year's. This year, though... we would have been here for Thanksgiving since it was so near to the wedding we just attended. We usually traveled up here if there were enough reasons to make it worth our while. :) It's difficult to go through things that he would have been here for, too.

I went to the cemetery yesterday. I'm hoping our headstone is complete before the snow starts to stick! I don't know if they can put it up once it starts snowing. I have gotten back both pictures that I used on it so it must be close to complete. I'm so excited about it. And I'm even more excited that I'm going to have photos taken the first time I go see it, thanks to Sarah at Sarah Nelson Photography. I am sure it will turn out to be a beautifully-documented occasion. Anyway, I just caught up on my daily devotions, talked to Matt a little and prayed.

In terms of my emotional state, I feel pretty good today. Of course, I think about Matt all the time. I just miss him terribly but I look forward to the day we will get to see each other again. And I know we will get to see each other again. That's not even a question. And if I just keep that close to my heart, I can make it through. I have survived 123 days, 22 hours and 30 minutes. Like I said before, it doesn't really matter how much longer I have. It hurts no matter what; you just learn to live with it.

Just keep going... I say it all the time, but thank God for Noah and Chloe. I would really have no reason to live without them.


  1. I think that is absolutely amazing that Sarah is going to document the occasion of you seeing the headstone for the first time. She takes amazing photos, and it is definitely something you will want to be able to share with Noah and Chloe.

  2. Psalm 34:18
    "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

    I've been following your blog, and am inspired by your faith and strength. I saw this passage and thought of you. I pray for you and your children often.