Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Terribly negative post commences now.

Living like this is torture. But I know just have to hold onto my faith. It would be so much easier to hate my life and never get out of bed in the morning but I can't do that because of these two little angels of ours. They are saving my life. I know this process can't be rushed but I look forward to the day when I can feel totally and completely happy again. Grief is really taking a toll on me... it weighs so heavily on my mind and spirit. And it is ANNOYING! I want my old life back. I just need to keep moving forward even though my heart yearns for what is no more.

I still don't understand. I can't help but keep asking why. Why this happened. I know one day the reason will be revealed to me. I know God is holding me and Matt is in my corner... cheering me on. But ahh sometimes I am just screaming inside.

I had a dream last night where I was thinking that even though I will be very busy once school starts, it would probably be a smart thing to make time to see a counselor on a day where I have only one or two classes. And so that is what I'm going to do. I think I will especially need it while I'm in school.

As a side note, that song "Good Life" by OneRepublic makes me so MAD! I hate it with every ounce of my being and I hate seeing that stupid Disney commercial.


  1. Stephanie, I am always so amazed each day when I check in on you through your blog, that you don't have more terribly negative posts! I continue to be in awe of you and amazed by you. I can see how your beautiful children must be carrying you through this time. I pray for you each day and wish I could do more. Do you have a P.O. Box set up for cards or donations or anything? I realize that with privacy, most likely not, but I'd like to do more to help your family and/or at least send you a card to let you know that your family is in my thoughts.

  2. everyday i wake up i am still feeling the grief not only for you and matt but also for me and when i lost my dad. i know how it feels to everyday just want to do nothing except cry and be depressed. every single day my heart screams, really loud. but no one can hear it. it is so easy to get yourself down but just keep your head up.
    noah and chloe are your priority now. take them as your "medicine" for the strength you need everyday.
    and sometimes if you need to just scream, do it. it helps.
    you and the kids are always on my mind and there is never a day that goes by that i dont think about you guys and say a prayer for you.
    stay positive
    you knwo im here whenever you need me.