Tuesday, November 1, 2011

To live in mourning

It just becomes a part of you.

A dark cloud has been cast over your life.

Some days it is thicker than others.

Some days it thins out enough for the rays to shine through.

But it's always there.

This was my favorite time of year. September-January. I wanted to get married in the fall as a prelude to all the wonderful, festive things that would follow. I still enjoy it but this is the time of year where I will be reminded of what I no longer have - my soul mate. It is going to be a battle every year for the rest of my life.

At least I still have a sense of humor. I was a black widow for Halloween, after all. ;) We had fun last night. It was honestly the most fun I've had on Halloween in a while. Matt would have LOVED it. Petoskey is a wonderful place to be on Halloween.

Do I ever ask "why me?" Yes, sometimes. But not in such a way where it's like, "Why did God do this to me?" It's more like... why was I chosen to endure this? There must be a reason. This is a part of my plan and there must be a purpose to all this. One thing is clear: Living through something like this has enabled me to have a very special relationship with God I never thought I would have.

I bought a dress at Macy's today and the cashier asked me what the occasion was. I said I was just going to a wedding. She said something about a 72-day marriage and then, "I'm glad my marriage wasn't 72 days." And then something about her marriage and many years. I almost said, "You're lucky." But then decided I didn't need or want to go down that road with the cashier at Macy's. And that was that.

If I could talk to Matt just one last time, above all else, I would want to make sure he is okay and happy. I know he is but I just want confirmation from him that he is okay. I want him to say, "Don't worry about me, I am the happiest I have ever been." And I also want to know that he knows that we will be okay, too.


  1. Stephanie,
    I only know you from TB but I wanted to let you know that I admire your strength. You are an amazing inspiration. Please know that you have so many people praying for you.

  2. I also know you from TB. I have been following your story since you started blogging. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. There is a book I just finished reading, it is called "Heaven is for Real", by Todd Burpo. It has given me lots of comfort dealing with loved ones that I have lost. It is a really fast and easy read, and it is truly amazing. If you get a chance please check it out, and if you do, I hope it can give you some hope in this hard time that you are going through. I could never imagine what it is like to deal with losing your husband, you are such an strong, inspiring, and amazing woman.

  3. Actually, that is the first book I read following Matt's death. And it did give me a lot of comfort; that was a great book for me to read so soon after I lost him. I also read 90 Minutes In Heaven, which is another awesome book, probably my absolute favorite!

  4. I'm glad you like it, I too read 90 Minutes in Heaven. They are both such great books, I am glad they gave you comfort.