Saturday, November 12, 2011

When I think about the holidays

I feel sick. I get a knot in my stomach. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say? I'm totally stressing over it even though I know in my heart that God will carry me through it. I'm not supposed to fret about the future but I can't help it at this point. I'm just trying to think of things I can do that will help me. What is supposed to be a joyful time of family gatherings and making good memories is going to be another day where I "zombie" my way to getting it over with. I'm a zombie. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act... I'm not myself anymore without Matt. Sometimes I just feel like an empty shell and I fear that is what it will be like through the holidays from now on. Or at least for a while. I'm trying to stay focused on today and not worry about the future but that is a very advanced skill I have not yet mastered.

However, I think I am improving on letting God take over... turning to Him for comfort and consolation. Yesterday was a very good day for me. One of the best. I like those days.

I can't help but wonder... not only what Matt is experiencing now... but especially what he experienced in that hour between life and death. And I also wonder if it would have made a difference had I made it to the hospital before he died. Might my presence have somehow pulled him back? What if I was there with him, holding his hand? Could that have helped him stay? It is clear to me that he certainly fought as hard as he could. He would have never wanted this... but, from what I have read and heard from those who have seen the other side, Heaven has a powerful effect that makes it tough to leave. That's why I wonder if my presence next to his body would have helped and maybe that's selfish of me to think that way but it's just something I think about.

I know things are the way they were meant to be. I have faith in God's plan.

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