Saturday, April 14, 2012

I censored myself.

A wise person would take into consideration how others might interpret their words before publishing. I, however, am not a wise person. And so while I understand myself and my intentions, not everyone will. Therefore - I deleted my latest post. I intended to continue it with a "however" portion but I ran out of time. At this point, I'm just going to scratch the whole thing and from now on... I'll (try to) keep that kind of stuff between me and my therapist.

Speaking of which, I really enjoyed my counseling sesh on Thursday and I'm suddenly really looking forward to my next one.

If I have not once mentioned how thankful I am for the help I receive then shame on me. Expressing how much my life has changed and how frustrated I can get because of those changes is not meant to be a reflection AT ALL of what other people have done for me. My previous post was misinterpreted and it's my fault.

I would like to delve into all the things that I'm thankful for and blessed with but at this point, I don't feel like it would be coming from the heart. I think it would be coming from the fact that I'd like to simply amend the situation and that's not what I want.

I may take a break from this blog for a little while unless something profound happens. My birthday is tomorrow. Finals are coming up in two weeks. On April 21, it will have been six years since Matt asked for my hand in marriage. A new semester begins on May 1st. I've been set back on my running schedule because Chloe turned up sick on Thursday and I had to go pick her up from daycare.

I attended a parent participation/spring picnic at the daycare yesterday and it turned out well. But it was slightly painful watching the other parents together as couples so I just tried not to look. At one point, Noah ran up to another child's dad and said, "Daddy!" because he could have resembled Matt. But all this stuff is just stuff that I'm going to have to get used to. And I won't complain about it because that makes me look ungrateful.

I care about what people think of me. I know that using a public internet blog makes me susceptible to judgment. I knew that from "day three". But I want to be able to share this journey with others who might relate to my situation or who are just simply curious or who can gain some inspiration or say, "Ugh, I will never do what she does." Whatever it may be... I knew what I was getting into and that's okay. Sometimes what I write may be misinterpreted and again, it's my responsibility to understand that and write accordingly. Sometimes I fail.


  1. you have every right to feel the way you do at any given time! everyone does, I appreciate your honest and true feelings you express in your blog. It is so impossible for most anyone to understand all you have been through. I commend you for your strength and insight with each new post! Happy birthday tomorrow...celebrate you and the wonderful person you are...some people need to stop getting their panties so bunched up, life is too short!!

  2. Stephanie, I'm just a Bumpie who has followed your blog since you started it. I will never meet you, never really matter in the scheme of things. That being said, I want you to know, you have every right to express your true feelings through this medium--good or bad. Should you take others into consideration? Absolutely. Matt obviously had others who loved him who are hurting because of his death. But NOTHING in your last post should have been interpreted to mean you're not grateful for the help you have received. Listen, it's just different when others apart from your significant other are helping you with your kids. They're ultimately not responsible for them--YOU ARE. And all of that responsibility ultimately falls to you now. Being upset or tired or overwhelmed at that prospect and expressing such on YOUR BLOG that you started for YOUR THERAPY is nothing for which you should apologize. I am angry for you as I type this and really wish that those who questioned you about this would see it as such. Haven't you been through enough without being guilt-tripped? Even as a Christian who has put so much of her faith and hope with the Lord (where it should be), aren't you entitled to a few moments of sorrow for your situation?

    Like I said, you don't know me. But I pray for you consistently, my mother's group at my church prays for you, and I hope you won't leave your blog on account of others. Happy Birthday, dear Stephanie. May the Lord bring you peace and joy on your special day. :)

  3. Hi Stephanie,
    I've been a lurker on your blogs since the previous blog announced you were pregnant with Chloe. I followed you to Day Three, completely shocked at Matt's death. My heart and prayers have gone out to you over and over. I guess I felt I had nothing to offer but anonymous prayers. I'm sorry the blog is a source of vulnerablity to you now. For the record, I would miss you if you didn't post.

    About the gratitudes. Are you familiar with Ann Voskamp's writing? The wrote the book One Thousand Blessings which begins with the grief and tragic loss her family expiernced when she was just four years old. She keeps a blog too:

    Finally I thought of this quote: "It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”
    ― David Steindl-Rast

  4. I'm not too good with words myself but wanted to say I admire your courage and strength. I think you are doing an amazing job. And no matter how much others help you it will never be the same as having your husband alongside you. Be proud of yourself always as you continue to try to move forward. God Bless you and your two wonderful children. And I hope you got some great dreams for your birthday

  5. I went to comment on your last post and couldn't find it. Now I see why. I'm sorry for whatever happened to make you take it down. :(

    I just wanted to tell you that you inspire me every day. You are doing a great job under very difficult circumstances. I'm sure Matt is looking down on you with such gratitude and pride that you are the mother of his children that he had to leave behind.

    Happy birthday Stephanie.