Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Incredibly Weird Dream

Separated by ellipses because dreams are such a jumble. This is obviously a figment of my imagination.

I was at the visitation and for some reason, I went to open the casket even though I didn't want to see Matt's body. I started to open it while looking and then I quickly looked away and said, "I can't believe I almost looked at him." All I saw was his shirt.


Matt appeared but I was the only one who could see him. I don't think he knew what was going on. I told him he was dead. He looked in the casket and saw himself. He started crying, saying, "What have I done?" But I said, "Aren't you in bliss now?" He said no. I said I know there was purgatory... and he said he was still waiting, that it took a while. I said, "Well, I'm living high-risk now... driving irresponsibly..." and I laughed. But then I thought, I better live like a really good person because Matt would probably be out of purgatory by the time I died, and then I would have to wait that much longer to see him.


He said he could get on Facebook but he hasn't because he didn't want to creep anyone out. I thought, "Couldn't you at least send me a message?"


He could move really fast like a vampire.


It was weird. Obviously.

I was having profound thoughts on my way downtown this afternoon. I think that God has bestowed this experience on me in such a way that I can handle. Well, I don't believe that He would ever want us to experience such heartache but that's the way it must be. And because it must be like this, He has helped to alleviate my pain in small ways that have allowed me to handle it as best as I can.

For example, I picture Matt after his death worrying about us. But him being told that this is the best way. Me not seeing him in the hospital. Never getting to say goodbye because that would have made it harder on me. Him not being left alive and brain dead only for me to have to make the decision to say goodbye. As sucky as it is, I think it could always be worse. So that's what I thought about today. God's plan. Everything happens how it was meant to happen.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Regina Spektor - On the Radio

1 comment:

  1. Start paying attention to the moon or maybe the phases. I always have very vivid dreams, or just remember them better, around the full moon...maybe a full moon can be you and Matt's special time together :) something to look forward to...thinking of you often