Losing Matt has thrown me so far out of my comfort zone that I have to create a new one. There's no going back. I'm being forced to make major life changes. I'm simply trying to keep my head above water amongst all this chaos. One day at a time. I'm moving my family back to Michigan where I will be rebuilding from the ground up. I always thought we would move back to Michigan when Matt found a great job opportunity up there; I never thought I would be moving back because he was gone. Well, I've thought about it, but I never thought it would actually happen.
Matt did ask me once... "What would you do if I died?" And I answered him. I believe I said, "I would move back to Michigan, live with your parents and go back to school." I'm not sure where all that came from... but I am doing all of the above minus the school part for now.
I have thought about him dying before. I don't know if that's normal or if I'm just morbid or if my heart somehow knew something that my brain refused to accept as a real possibility. But I have thought about it. And when I thought about it, it wasn't 50 years from now; I thought about it in present-day. It was a terrible thing to think about; it brought tears to my eyes. Why would anyone think about that? I don't know but I did.
Now I'm starting over. Not because I want to. I had my perfect life and it was taken away. But if I'm going to look at this on the bright side, which is a typical trait of mine, the world is at my fingertips. If I have to do this... I might as well do it with a positive attitude. Because it's going to happen regardless. Matt would want me to embrace my new life. I know that. It is going to be very difficult but there's no going back to what I had.
I went up to the attic today to assess the situation. I brought down some suitcases, one of which was Matt's actual SUIT case. I packed up his suits, ties, socks and belts. I still can't figure out which tie he wore that day. There is one that I'm missing but it could have been one that was ruined or something and he threw it out... or maybe not. We called it his "Spiderman tie" because it was red and blue. I just hadn't seen him wear that one in a while so I'm not sure.
While I was up there, my eyes fell onto the fake Christmas tree and the bin of Christmas ornaments. I got sad. I opened it just to see what was on top. A Christmas ball from the church we married in. And a little snow globe ornament with his name on it. Those were two that I picked up, looked at, and put back. Then I set it aside.
I went further to some plastic storage bins, one is filled with Halloween stuff and the other was just a bunch of random stuff of Matt's. There was a little basket inside and I found a simple one-sided card. All it says is,
Help me to
Happen to me
Today that You
And I together
I also found an award he received on the swim team in 2000 for "most improved". And I found a little paper pamphlet that is "How to say the Rosary". Perfect. It has a diagram of the rosary, step-by-step instructions and all the prayers, Hail Marys and mysteries.
And I don't know who has a floppy disk drive anymore but I found two floppies; one is untitled and the other says "Matt's Pictures".
I oftentimes look at the sky now while I'm driving. Well, I try not to do it WHILE I'm driving, but if I'm stopped at a light, I just gaze at the clouds. I think about Matt; think about where he is, what he's thinking, what he's doing. I still have moments where my heart sinks at the realization that he will NEVER be back here. I will NEVER see him again. Not in this life anyway. But one day...
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down - when we die and leave these bodies - we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. 2 Corinthians 5:1-4