Friday, August 19, 2011

This Emotional Torture

This emotional torture is killing me inside. But unfortunately, you can't actually die from it. I'm chained to this feeling for the rest of my life. I will get to watch everyone else's love thrive while mine is gone forever. I don't know how it could get much worse than that.

I'm on the decline today. I'm feeling it now more than ever.

I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this. What does one have to do that is so horrible to deserve losing the love of her life at 26? He was my lifelong companion, my soulmate. Why couldn't I have at least been in the car with him? Did I take him for granted? Sometimes I feel like I did. This passion pouring out of my heart now - why didn't I show it like this when he was alive? Why couldn't I have just treated every morning like it might be the last time I saw him? Of all people... why couldn't I do that much for him?

"A time of calamity comes to all alike." - Ecclesiastes 9:11

The doorbell had rung right after I wrote the above. It's obvious I was at a point of hopelessness. I haven't felt that dark since the night of July 20. And it's been exactly one month since Matt was killed. I almost didn't answer the door because I was nursing Chloe but after the second ring, I decided to get up. Our neighbors had gotten our mail by mistake and their son was bringing it over. Among that mail was a letter from a complete stranger. She lives about an hour west of here. She provided me with several Bible passages, including the Ecclesiastes citation above. I think it was divine intervention because her letter addressed my current feelings and lifted my spirits when I most needed it.

I read Matt's obituary in the newspaper and I was moved to express my sincere condolences. While I cannot even imagine what you are going through, I have found the Bible to be a source of real comfort and hope to me personally.

When faced with tragedy, I found the Bible's explanation of why there is suffering and death to be very encouraging. It helped me appreciate that God is not responsible. For one thing, the Bible alerts us to the fact that "time and unforeseen occurrence" befall all humans (Eccl 9:11). For example, Jesus referred to a news item of his day - 18 people were killed when a tower fell on them. He made it clear that their death was not because of God's displeasure but because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (Luke 13:1-5).

The Bible also reveals the prime cause of suffering and death. Simply, these are the consequences of Adam and Eve's disastrous decision to disobey God. Once they sinned, all they could pass on to us was sin and death (Rom 5:12). But the Bible shows that God purposes to end death (Isa 25:8, Rev 21:3-4). What a wonderful time that will prove to be!

In the meantime, I pray that the "God of all comfort" will help to heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds (2 Cor 1:3-4, Psa 147:3).


  1. That is a beautiful letter. I am glad is was able to bring some comfort.

  2. There is no pain like emotional pain...I am thankful that you were blessed with the letter at that moment. Praying for those things to happen on a daily basis for you.

  3. Bad things happen to good people, Steph. As horrible as it is, it just does, and its not fair. I have found a little bit of comfort in thinking of all of this in this way: Matt was an amazing individual. He did some AMAZING things that even people who die of old age do not do. Such as giving food to homeless, changing thousands of lives for the better, and even allowing others to find God. As humans, on this earth, we measure time differently than in heaven. Like you said, it isn't linear. And maybe God measured Matt's time as in he fulfilled his life to the greatest and most meaningful way possible and he wanted Matt to join heaven again. And to give others the realization and opportunity to know how life is really supposed to be lived; Matt's way. I strive to be more like Matt every day. And that will truly bring us closer to Matt, and he would want that. You are doing an amazing job of that, and i am so proud to call you my sister. I love you so much, i think about you all the time. You are the strongest woman i know, and i know i can always count on you and look up to you. <3