Saturday, August 13, 2011

No one ever dies alone.

This is a dream I wrote down a little while ago.

Matt had been dead...
but then he came back.

He was normal, like nothing happened at all. But we were both aware of the fact that he had been dead.

I had this dream last night:

I was walking through the grocery store and there was a mirro
r. I saw Matt's reflection in the mirror and it was very clear.

The dreams I've been having are very simple. And I don't recall any specific conversation between me and Matt. It's mostly just seeing him.

I have pictures of the computer and the GPS that I'm willing to share. However, it might be prudent for me not to post the picture of his cell phone. I don't find it at all disturbing because it's my husband's blood so it doesn't bother me like it may bother someone else. This is really weird for me to say but his blood doesn't bother me because it is a part of him. It's like having him with me, in a sense. I put his wedding band on my finger while it still had blood on it. I didn't want to wash it off but, of course with washing my hands, it came clean anyway.

Today we held the Memorial Mass at our church here in Greenville. I did the first reading. I was nervous. Not so much about reading as I was about being able to make it through without crying. I got emotional but I was able to contain it. I wanted to do it for Matt. I think he is proud of me. I also sang. I used to never sing in church. Matt encouraged me to but I never did. Sometimes I would pretend to sing. I wore his necklace to Mass. We came home, I changed out of my dress. And then I went to take the necklace off. And again, for the third time, I had to use my opposite hand to take it off from what I used (and always use) to put it on. I always kiss his cross when that happens. And I kiss it before I go to bed. It still rattles my mind when it happens. Wouldn't I feel something? I would have to take the necklace off and flip it over in order to make it do that.

I want to go back to the closure I was describing before. I feel closure because I feel like I finally know what happened. And I've had so many theories since the day he died. I thought I'd have it figured out but then something else would come to mind and my theory would change. All of a sudden, after all the people we've talked to and all of the things I've seen and heard, I just have a feeling that I know what happened. And so with that came peace and closure. And I have Matt to credit for that because I think he was guiding me to the answer at which I finally came to rest. And it's okay. I love him. I may share what happened one day; I'm not ready for that yet.

I read the first few chapters of the book 90 Minutes In Heaven. I wanted to read it for the description of Heaven this man gave. I wanted to get another perspective because I want to understand where Matt is and what he feels. The following two passages stuck out to me:

I wasn't conscious of anything I'd left behind and felt no regrets about leaving family and possessions. It was as if God had removed anything negative or worrisome from my consciousness, and I could only rejoice at being together with these wonderful people.

Age expresses time passing, and there is no time there. All of the people I encountered were the same age they had been the last time I had seen them - except that all the ravages of living on earth had vanished. Even though some of their features may not have been considered attractive on earth, in heaven every feature was perfect, beautiful, and wonderful to gaze at.

I'm going to go back to the Memorial Mass because the homily that Father Edward gave contained a sentence that really struck me:

No one ever dies alone.

After everything, I realized I had never been concerned about him "dying alone". And Father Edward affirmed why that was. Because inside I knew that Matt was with Jesus the moment he struck that tractor. The only thing that concerned me was what he was feeling. I didn't want him to be in pain and I didn't want him to be scared. But I have been assured a number of times that Matt didn't feel anything. And my concern about him being scared is addressed above... from the first passage I included out of that book.

Sometimes I would wonder if he could have survived. But I finally came to the realization yesterday that it was impossible. Nothing could have been done to save his life; time had nothing to do with whether or not he survived. His injuries were fatal. It was just a matter of when his body would die. That realization also provided some closure. It wasn't a matter of "if"... only "when".

Matt loved politics... it was one of his passions... so I will conclude this with a transcript of one of his voice recordings that was on his phone:

The terrorists have won. We have become a nation of sissies looking over our shoulder constantly at our fellow man. Our countrymen are not the ones who attacked us on September 11th. The majority of the world population were not the ones were attacked us on September 11 but the ones who we condemn the most are those with which we live amongst. And because we do so, and have opted instead of offending those whom hurt us, we instead harm those whom we should love.


  1. Stephanie, have you ever read Heaven is for Real?

  2. Yes! That was the first book I read after Matt's death. I read it in a day.