Friday, August 12, 2011

I know they say, "'Til death do you part", but I don't believe it.

Matt will always be my husband. And he'll always be with me even though I can't see him. There's nothing wrong with getting remarried but Matt is a tough act to follow. How could I ever replace my husband? I don't like that line... "'til death do you part" but I suppose it could be interpreted to mean in the physical sense. That's how I interpret it.

I went back to work yesterday. It was fine. I was really nervous to step back into the building where my entire life shattered to pieces in about one second. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I worked three hours.

I dreamed about Matt the last two nights. In the first one, the world was ending. I remember looking down at the ground and it was covered in fire. And then I was dead. But there was no fear or pain; and Matt was right there with me. He comforted me.

In the second one, I was at the funeral but Matt was with me. I was the only one who could see him.

My father in law and I are going to meet with the district attorney and first trooper on scene this morning. I'm not exactly sure what I expect to get out of this except for yet another affirmation of shitty North Carolina law. And I will probably ask what can I do to take steps (no matter how small) toward preventing this from happening again. And I will probably press the first trooper on scene for details, yet again.

The details are driving me crazy. I want to know everything despite the reality that "everything" isn't pretty. I can't even get images of what Matt looked like and what the car looked like out of my head. And I haven't seen either one. My mind is just making these images up from the descriptions I've been told. But even before asking for details, I would still imagine. So at least hearing what Matt looked like and what the car looked like... gives me a more accurate imagination. How that helps anything I don't know. I almost feel like something is wrong with me for wanting to know this stuff. But I want to know what happened to my husband.

1 comment:

  1. Love reading your posts. I don't think you are weird for wanting to know what happened to your husband that day. I would want to do the exact same thing. Praying for you every single day.