Friday, August 19, 2011

"Matt returns"

This was the week Matt would have been gone at the National Sales Meeting. He would have been in Washington, D.C. and flying home tonight. I had it marked on my calendar at work. On Sunday, "Matt leaves"; today, "Matt returns". I wish.

Every day I get through is one less day I have to be without him. Every day I get through is one day closer to the day I die. I can appreciate that. One day at a time. I'm not asking to die right now. Every time I write things like that, it probably looks bad. All I'm asking is for God to take me when He feels it is time... whenever that may be. Tomorrow... December 21, 2012 (I have a feeling that will be a big disappointment)... 11 days shy of my 28th birthday... any given July 20... or 50+ years from now. When I die, while mourning and grieving are natural... and something I know a lot about (I wish I didn't), just know that I'm in Matt's arms again and that is the greatest gift I could ever be given.

Packing is such a process. But I'm also being super meticulous about it. I put together Matt's suits in the closet today. I paired the pants with the jackets and fastened them all. I was trying to figure out which suit he was wearing that day. There were two jackets in his car and he doesn't wear it while he's driving. I had the pants to one of them so the other one must belong to the pants he was wearing. It was a black suit from Macy's. I wonder which shirt and tie he was wearing. His wardrobe is way too huge for me to go by process of elimination... but I may figure it out once I get through everything.

I packed up some more photo albums, frames and our Willow figurines. We have three Willow figurines: "Together" from when we got married, "Our Gift" from when I was pregnant with Noah and "New Dad" from when we had Noah.

I picked up two more scrapbooks today for all the sympathy cards. I already have one completed. I love to look at them. I also put together a scrapbook of things pertaining to Matt's funeral - all of the letters to Noah and Chloe are in it, as well as condolences and obituary guestbook entries. I have so many sentiments about Matt and so many great things he left (mostly his songs) that I believe Noah and Chloe will grow up feeling like they know their daddy. And they will be around so many people who will share memories of Matt with them. Even though he's gone, they will still have strong father figures in their lives... two especially that come to mind: Uncle Tom and Matt S. You two will have a great impact on Noah and Chloe as they grow up. And Matt knows it... he's happy.

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