Monday, August 22, 2011

The Other Side of "What If"

I've often thought about the what-ifs in terms of things out of my control - the Starbucks cashier, the drive-thru line, Matt's stubbornness.

But there is a worse scenario I can think of. It's hard to believe it could get any worse but I made it happen. What if Matt overslept that day and I left the house without waking him up first? Yes, it has happened before. But he woke up at his normal time and took it slow; he didn't leave the house until just before 10:00 on his own accord since he wasn't feeling well. But if he had slept through his five alarms instead... and I didn't wake him up before I left then it would be my fault. Indirectly, of course... but still my fault. Thank God that's not the case.

It amazes how one could be so stuck on one day. It has been over a month and yet I'm still stuck back there on July 20. I probably will be for a while. It has slowly stopped consuming the entirety of my thoughts... but still very much present in my mind. I am shocked when I think that we are almost to SEPTEMBER. I am still in July. When my family was normal. When my husband came home every day and I would cook dinner. When he would play with Noah and Chloe and they would laugh and smile. July is the last time I was truly happy. Our son is about to turn two and I only just realized how close it was the other day. I am hardly in the present; if I think about the future, it's about how alone I will be and when I think about the past, it's about how happy I was.

I'm meeting with a counselor tomorrow. This will be interesting for I have never met with a counselor in my life. I searched for counselors here and her name came up. I cross-referenced my search results with the referrals I was given by EAP, and I was really happy when I found that she was on the list. She is a widow herself... she was widowed with two toddlers. I hope that this will be as helpful as I anticipate... to talk to someone who was where I am. And now she specializes in helping those like me.

Matt was such a special man. He was a great father and I looked forward to watching him grow with our two kids. As sad as I am and will be for a long time (forever), I can't help but to also feel blessed that I have a very strong connection to the other side - the closest connection I could ever have. The man who loved me. He's now watching over us and when my time comes, he will be there to greet me and welcome me with all the love he had for me here on Earth once again.


  1. We think about you every day Steph. ~Morgan

  2. steph....i can relate to probably 90% of all of your posts. you are moving along on the grief journey in as healthy of a way as possible. grief is a tunnel...a long, dark, tunnel...but there is a light at the end. i haven't seen my own light yet, but i am beginning to see glimmers...17 months later for me. you are blessed to find a good grief counselor and i pray that it is a good match. you are doing the right thing..tackling this messy thing. love to you the just the present tense of what today brings for you. feeling honored to walk beside you (one beautiful wife, mother, & daughter) in this unknown, scary journey. ♥ melissa