Thursday, August 18, 2011

I haven't listened to music since July 20.

The last song I heard in my car was Going Under by Evanescence. That was the song that was playing when I pulled into work after lunch. Fitting title. I have no desire to hear music anymore. And if I do, it just reminds me of Matt... sometimes that's nice but it can also be very saddening. I'd rather not take the risk if I can help it.

I should also stop going through my Facebook news feed for a while. There's too great a chance of coming across a lucky friend who gets the luxury of posting about upcoming trips with their husbands, anniversaries, sweet things their husbands do for them, funny stories involving their husbands. Matt and I had so many more memories to build. Why couldn't we be so lucky? Or I should say... why couldn't I be so lucky? Keeping in mind that he is the lucky one here. We only had 6-1/2 short years. That's not enough. And to live the rest of my life without him - now that is an awful thought. At least I can be thankful he never had to go through what I'm going through. Not that I would be concerned had he. Because I'd be in a wonderful place free of worry like he is now. I have my doubts that God will be taking me anytime soon considering I have two children who are now 100% dependent on me and only me. I constantly have to remind myself of things to be thankful for... the things Matt and I did get to experience together (and those he experienced himself):

The places we've traveled: Boston, Panama City, Washington D.C., Disney World, Aruba (the first time for both of us leaving the country), Charleston, Asheville.

The places he's traveled (without me): Colorado, Hawaii, Las Vegas~ I use to give him a hard time about the last two but now I'm glad he was able to experience them.

Our summer trips to the cottage on Crystal Lake.

The births of our two beautiful children.

The places we've lived: Grand Blanc, MI; Midland, MI; Greenville, NC

We shared a candy addiction. He was always bringing me home little treats that he would pick up after making pharmacy calls or stopping into a convenience store. He was so thoughtful.

We've owned two houses in less than four years.

Three years of a strong marriage through our share of challenges, including two lay-offs and moving away from our families four states away. Matt was always working on making our marriage perfect. He wanted us to be perfect and I did, too. We loved each other so much. At least I hope he knows how much I loved him and love him.

If we had a silly argument, it would almost always end in laughs.

Neither of us were afraid to admit when we were wrong.

Matt had a son he adored. He watched him come into the world, watched him smile for the first time, laugh... crawl... walk... talk... and Matt was so proud. He watched him turn one. We endured teething and sleeping woes together. An overnight ER visit. And toddler tantrums.

He had a daughter he also adored. He watched her come into the world, made her smile, and the first time she ever laughed was for him.

When I got fired for the first time ever (!) I thought he would be so mad. I came home in tears and he told me it was fine and comforted me all night. I've gotten two tickets in my life and they both resulted in me crying the rest of the way home! Matt was there for me. Matt's tickets resulted in him cussing the rest of the way home. I was there for him. :)

I always looked forward to our road trips back to Michigan twice a year. I loved taking road trips with him. I loved being in the car with him all that time, just talking, listening to music and recently, trying to entertain our son. Any road trip we've taken has been among my favorite memories because it was just us being stuck in a car together and it was wonderful. Just talking.

Matt was so goal-oriented and he worked hard to fulfill those goals. Sometimes I would get upset that he seemed to work all the time, even at home after 5:00 and weekends... but I know he was just trying to be successful for us. And he was. He always wanted to be better though. I hope he knows I'm proud of him. I loved him so much I wanted to spend time with him every chance we could. He loved me so much he wanted to work his butt off so he could spoil me (and our kids).

We were all we had down here in North Carolina... the only family. We counted on each other. We came to North Carolina together, built our family and now I'm taking my family back to Michigan without their daddy. I hate thinking about how long it's been since Matt was killed. That just reminds me how long I've been without him. The last time we were apart about this long was in 2005... but we talked every day. We don't even have that anymore.

I pray every night that he stays with me. I promise him that I am always his and I pray that he waits for me. He has my whole heart forever and I can't wait to see him again. I hope he remembers me... as silly as it sounds. I keep forgetting that time in Heaven isn't linear. Of course he won't forget me. When he sees me again, he will probably feel like he just saw me "yesterday".

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.  ~Author Unknown

    He will always be with you and your kids. He is always watching over you. He could and will never forget you!