Saturday, July 30, 2011

Dear Matt,

Yesterday Noah got his first bloody lip. Well, I'm sure you saw it. Poor little man tripped in your parents' entryway and did a face plant on the tile! I stayed calm... Got him all cleaned up. He also got his first sliver out on the deck. That took some time but I finally was able to get it out this morning while your mom held him for me. He was such a trooper... A tough little guy just like you. I miss you so much, Matt. I keep looking for you. I can't help it. I love you.
Always yours,

I will probably not post for a little while. We are heading down to the cottage for a few days. Tomorrow is Matt's 28th birthday.

I have been checking his voicemail every now and then. Several of his clients have called and wondered where he was when he was scheduled to bring in lunch for an office. I called them back to inform them. Matt would have wanted me to do that. He cared so much about his offices. There is still a ton of chocolate in our freezer that he bought to bring to doctors, nurses and staff.

I find that I just stare out the window a lot and think about him. I look at his pictures and can't believe such a spirited, generous, handsome, loving father and husband is gone forever. The rest of my life seems like too long to be without him. But maybe the rest of my life isn't going to be as long as I think it will. Because I always thought everyone lived until they were old and wrinkled. Well, in reality I knew better but how could something like this happen to US? You just never think it could happen to you. Especially after all we've been through already. Maybe I've only got five years left. Maybe 50. Whatever the case, I will live how Matt would have wanted me to live until I die.

He always told me he wanted me to pray more. I remember one night not long before his death, I had gone to bed before he did but I woke up later, turned over and saw him praying on his knees next to the bed. I did that last night for the first time in my life.

I had a dream last night that I saved him. I went back in time and saved his life.

I don't really know how to end this one. I have two crying children who both need my attention. It is times like these I miss him most. :) Love you, Matt.


  1. I read this post a week ago, and it has stuck with me. I have thought about it many times. Especially you waking up to see him praying on his knees. What a great man and husband Matt was. I am not the most religious person in the world either, but to see people so strong in thier faith (like Matt) is so inspiring.

  2. I am so touched by your story and writing. How traumatizing that must be. I think writing is a great way to get everything..out there. I can't even imagine what you're going through but I believe you will gain strength through this and overcome this deep tragedy. Keeping you and your children in my thoughts and prayers...