Today I am feeling unusually strong. It almost scares me. I know it is going to come and go though.
Three days ago I was in our closet doing something I never imagined I would be doing so soon... or ever: Choosing a suit in which my husband will be buried. Nobody will see him. But I chose his light gray pinstripe suit because pinstripes are just his thing. And the gray is a nice, light color; fitting for summer. I chose his favorite white shirt. He wanted more for his birthday because he loved them so much. I chose a bright blue, gray and white striped tie. Blue was his favorite color. When I make decisions like this on his behalf, I don't worry about whether or not he will like it. At first I did worry a little. But now I feel like the reason I make the choices I do is because he is somehow guiding me.
We went to the funeral home this morning. Walking up to that door made me sick to my stomach but we kept each other strong. I walked inside and it was an inviting atmosphere. We sat down to discuss things and my eyes met an empty chair on the other side of the room. I wondered if Matt was there with me.
We walked downstairs to choose a casket and I got that feeling in my stomach again. But it was okay. Two caskets immediately caught my eye. Two that I knew would appeal to Matt had the material created something different, such as a table or dresser. So the decision was fairly easy to make.
My heart will be aching for a long long time to come. But I look to our beautiful children - into their eyes - and know that a piece of Matt is looking back.