Friday, July 22, 2011

My Love

If you hadn't left this Earth before me then my only wish would be that we left together because I would never want this agony for you, honey. But I am here for our children and I know you live in them.

Our long journey to Michigan begins in about ten hours. I haven't packed a thing yet. Neither for myself nor for the kids. I don't even know how long we will be there. I know this trip I am about to take is going to lead me right back to the pain I felt upon hearing the news of Matt's death. It will be like living it over again in a new location. The new faces I will see will bring me right back to square one. And I know that's all part of the process. Because once my wounded heart heals just a little bit at my mom's house, it is just going to re-open again at the visitation. And then again at the funeral. And I can't even bear to think about the burial. I can't. No. And thinking about Noah... Chloe is much too young to grasp a sliver of what's happening but Noah...

My Dad is going to view Matt's body at the funeral home before I do. If I do. He will tell me whether or not he thinks it's a good idea. I trust his judgment.

I am the only one awake right now and this is when I imagined would be a good time to go open Matt's personal belongings envelope that I was given at the hospital. It contains his wedding band and a gold cross necklace that he always wore. I'm going to go open it and then get some sleep. I hope I meet him in my dreams tonight because I haven't yet.

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