Friday, July 29, 2011

If I didn't have Noah and Chloe...

If I didn't have our two beautiful children, I would feel like I had nothing. There would be no purpose in my life. So in a way, Matt, you saved my will to live by giving us these precious little ones. Without you... they are all I have left.

At his visitation, I knew the initial sight of his casket would be a difficult moment. And it was. I just couldn't believe that my husband's body was in there. And his soul was not. I don't know exactly what went through my mind as I wept on my knees in front of it. He was gone. Our children's father was gone. Our future was gone. Taken. Stolen from us. I regained my composure for most everything else. Up until the funeral procession. His funeral was beautiful, by the way. Exactly how he would have wanted it.

At the burial, as I stated earlier, I did not have as hard of a time with it as I thought I would because I did not feel like he was in there. It was his body... that I will very much miss holding me, kissing me, cuddling me. But I know his soul is still very much alive and with us. He is watching over us now from another realm. I miss him. I planted a kiss on his casket before I walked away and my lipstick marks were left behind. There's the kiss I should have given him that morning before he died.

We are now in Petoskey... arrived late last night. I looked at the bed in "my" room and remembered the last time I was here. I was with Matt. It was Christmas time. And that was "our" room. The last time I was in that bed, I was with him. I was six months pregnant with Chloe and Noah was almost 16 months. I remember taking a family nap in that bed the last time we were here.

Chloe was born on March 31. Matt's birthday is July 31. She was almost two weeks "late" but, really, she was right on time. She wanted to share the 31st of the month with her daddy. Chloe, you will be four months old on Daddy's birthday.

Matt wanted Chloe to call him Daddy. He thought it sounded sweet and wanted Chloe to be Daddy's little girl. She will be. Always will be Daddy's little girl.

I have some sense of our new future. I will be coming back to Michigan this fall. Matt and I always thought we would want to come back to Michigan one day. Although we never would have guessed it would be like this. I'm a widow. A single mother of two. Matt would never have wanted it to be this way. He had very strong feelings about a two-parent household. I did, too. So now I feel that it is very important to be nearby family. Because their father is gone and they need a strong family structure. And I definitely believe they will get that. They have received so much love in the last week. There are so many people here for us and here for them that I have no doubt they will still grow up with a very strong sense of family and strong sense of community.

Exactly what Matt would have wanted.


  1. I am still (and will continue to) sending all my love, thoughts and prayers to you guys. You are an amazing family with strong values and I know that will help you through everything.

  2. You walk with such Grace. We love you.

  3. When you are ready and when your back in Michigan I'd love to get together and have our kids meet! Plus catch up its been forever since I've talked to you in person...last time probably in the ice cream shop! Let me know if theres anything I can do in the meantime and your beautiful family is always in my thoughts and prayers! Stay strong Steph!

  4. I have no words. I saw your post on TB and have been thinking of you, and praying for you. You are living every wife and mothers worst nightmare, and you are handling it with such grace. Reading your blog had me in tears, I can not imagine the pain you are feeling. The part about Chloe not being walked down the isle by her Daddy was heart wrenching. I am so sorry for your family. So incredibly sorry.

  5. My heart aches and my soul weeps for you and your sweet children. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all the Hales daily. I hope you keep posting in your journal. You are a strong woman and amazing mommy and praying for comfort, peace and serenity for you and your children as each day passes while trying to make sense of this senseless tragedy. You are very loved and let that love pour onto you. God is with you every step of the way, cry out to Him, lean on Him and know that He will walk with you, guide you and lead you. And Matt will too. XOXO