I let them linger. Each one is a memory. A hug. A kiss. I imagine Matt there next to me wiping my tears away. I imagine him with his hand on my shoulder, comforting me. Sometimes I just close my eyes and try to feel his presence.
Obviously, I have been thinking a lot about God and life after death since all this began. I never gave it a TON of thought or devotion before Matt died. Not like he did. After reading the speech he wrote, and how he didn't have a strong relationship with God before his tragedy; that's like me. It's the tragedies that make us turn to Him in a way we never have before. I look at the world in a whole new way; knowing that I have an angel in Heaven looking after me and knowing that Jesus is right here with me every step of the way. The depth with which we look at events, think about life... all that is proof enough that we are different. There is something amazing waiting for us after this life. We are like no other species. We were created with a bigger purpose.
Kristen (my sister-in-law) and I were talking about Matt last night; about what he must look like, what he acts like in his heavenly body. We were talking about how perfect he must be. No more seizures. No more small inconveniences that he endured as a result of his brain injury he sustained 11 years ago. I mentioned that he has full feeling back in his right hand now and he probably plays guitar flawlessly. Then she said he will have the most beautiful song for me when I get there. Imagining that makes me so happy. His perfect voice and perfect music will be there to greet me. I can't wait.
I loved the life we had. I felt like we had it all. I often thought, "This is perfect. I have my husband. We are young and healthy. He is successful and ambitious. We are going to experience so much together. New homes, traveling, watching our kids grow. Our two healthy kids who he adores. We are set. We may have our slight downturns every now and then but it's perfect." In more or less words.
But I always felt that day was coming. Deep down in the pit of my soul, I imagined getting that news. I think I always felt it because of his seizures. I just thought one day, he is going to have one while driving. And he will either get lucky again, or die. Well, it wasn't a seizure but it was a car accident.
Sometimes I cling to his cross. I have been wearing it since the day we moved. I just grasp it when I want to feel close to him and/or need comfort.
I oftentimes look to the sky; stare at the clouds. I didn't realize how beautiful they were until I was able to look up there and know that somewhere out there, Matt is in a glorious place.
It has been two months today. Two months ago, in 30 minutes, I will be told Matt was in a fatal car accident; my entire life will come crashing down.
I have been struck with a horrific tragedy, a real nightmare come true. But I am still blessed. I have the most supportive family anyone could ever ask for (that includes Matt's family because they are my family, too). And the best guardian angel watching over me and our kids; the best angel who will be there to welcome me at the gates of Heaven. I am going down a new path I never imagined I would be traveling. It's not easy but I know everything will turn out for the good.
Despite my heartbreak, I still love my life.