Final arrangements.

For my life here in North Carolina. I set up cancellation for satellite and internet. Signed release forms for the kids' medical records at the ped's office.

I hate this.

There will be no more pretending that Matt could walk through the door. I'm leaving our home. Maybe a part of me feels like he won't find me. No matter where I am, a piece of me will always be left in Greenville. This is essentially where Matt and I began our life together. And it makes me sick that I'm leaving it all behind. Without him.

Absolutely sick.

I'm at a point where I make (probably inappropriate) jokes and make light of serious emotions to try to evade my grief. I think one of my posts below is an example of that... about how dying is cheaper than having a baby.

But seriously... this blows. I know I can't stay here but I just wish I could stay in the false hope that maybe I will wake up one morning and it will all have been a bad dream.

Leaving is going to make this too real. But, at the same time, I can look forward to my new future. I can look forward to taking all of this energy generated from my grief and devoting my life to helping others.